What is love? I find I am constantly plagued by it, always wanting and needing it, and am destroyed by it. Why do we choose to love some people and not others? What is this craziness? If anyone has any answers, please, enlighten me!
Sincerely,
Lauren =>Love is not something you want or need. Love is something you do. If it’s destroying you it’s not Love. What you want is a relationship, and wanting that too much makes it hard for it to happen. Visualize the sort of relationship you want and then work to become the sort of person that has that sort of relationship. In the mean time, practice Love on your friend and family.
The Bible teaches that the purest form of love is the kind of love that sacrifices itself for someone else. (Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13) God showed us His selfless love when He sacrificed His only Son to redeem us. (But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8. See also John 3:16) True love sacrifices. It gives to others without thought for its own self, which is why God will save the most devious sinner even though that person may have spent years of his life spouting blasphemy against God and hurting Him. (For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. Romans 10:13)
BTW, God is the origin of love. (Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights…James 1:17)
Let me qualify this by saying I am a Christian, and I do believe (for the most part) what jenkinsfan said. However, to know what love is, read 1 Corinthians 13. Even removing the theological aspects of the chapter, it’s a pretty good summation of what love is.
Love does not destroy. Love empowers, love frees. Obsession and posession destroy. Are you sure it is love that you’re “always wanting and needing”?
We don’t “choose” to love per se, but we do choose who we let get that close. And that’s due to a million different circumstances, unique to each of us.
This craziness is not craziness at all, but rather a gift from the Creator (okay, atheists/agnostics, I’m donning the flak jacket now). A lot of time in this life is spent lusting after the transient things, the things that lose all meaning when you’re on your deathbed, reliving your life. Love is the guiding “force”, if you will, that compels you to regard your fellow humans as more than mere animals. It allows you to recognize the intrinsic value in each person. It allows you to forgive the transgressions of another, not because you want them to feel better, but because you recognize that we all make mistakes. It also allows you to hold the other person responsible for what they do, because it knows that being able to face mistakes and learn and grow from them is a necessary part of our journey on this planet.
And now I’ll go hurl, because that has got to be the most sickeningly sweet paragraph I’ve ever authored in my life. Ugh.
I agree in a large part with what as been posted by Amulet:cool: and Sassy 
… However I would add a seemingly unlikely source(s) Shel Silverstein
The Giving Tree and The Missing Piece…
(I am not sure of your age or circumstances but reading and explaining them to children could help you to discover and focus on the messages.)
Personally I have discovered that by examining and improving my inner self getting rid of a lot of internal baggage those other relationships are much easier to deal with.
Take all of this with the knowledge that it will still be up to you to do the real hard work of judging and apply the lessons / advice.
**Remember Free Advice is often worth Just what you paid for it … 
This is the most dangerously pervasive thought afloat in relationships in general–that love is not something we choose; rather it’s something that happens to us. We fall in love…
Mature love is a choice we make, specifically a choice to dedicate oneself to another’s emotional, spiritual and physical well-being, to do everything we can to help that person grow and become as complete in his/her happiness as is possible. Some people never understand this and may not have the maturity to achieve it. It is an enormous commitment.
Love is not the infatuation we feel when someone tremendously appealing makes you “glow.” This feeling can diminish, but real love becomes something even more rich and rewarding.
Remember this the next time you hear someone say “we just drifted apart,” or “we just fell out of love, it was nobody’s fault.” There are valid reasons for people to split up. The ones typically cited are not. Rather, they are indications that one or both of the parties never really chose to dedicate their love to the other (the Shirelles should be singing this post to a close)…
Yes, I agree with this. But I don’t think that one can choose the connection or the feeling that sparks this decision. It does not happen on its own. My failed marriage is a shining testimony to that.
You mentioned the Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. Actually, my friends and I got into a long, heated debate about that book.
One side was saying that it was a beautiful thing that the tree loved the boy so much it would give so selflessly, and the other side said the tree was just being walked all over. Yes, I do realize this is a bit out of place, but it still pertains to the topic.
A few other notes: I was speaking generally in my first post. Love, at the moment, is NOT destroying me etc, but I just wanted to know people’s thoughts. Also, I am not Christian so I can’t quite agree with the opinion that God is the origin of love, but it’s interesting anyway.
Oh, yeah, one last thing, Bob Cos, I can’t agree with you that we can choose to fall in love with someone. And I can’t agree that your definition of love is the strong lasting bond. Love is an important element of that bond but I think true love is something which is more mysterious, powerful and hard to pin down.
I agree that both The Giving Tree and The Missing Piece are horrible examples of (what I consider to be) love.
I tend to cite The Road Less Traveled’s approach to define love as a mix of two separate parts. I came upon that book’s approach to love at a time in my life when I was confused by my actions and feelings towards a certain young lady. In all my ‘relationships’ I always put out my standard disclaimer early on:
“I do not wish to hurt or offend you, but I want to let you know I do not use the word Love. Love is something that I do not understand and cannot define. It applies in so many different situations and is defined by people differently. I know what respect means, I know what kindness means, I know what caring means, I know what friendship means. These concepts are what I deal with. Please don’t take this personally, but I don’t use the word Love.”
Prior to meeting this young lady I got several responses, occasionally protests and arguments, but the typical was understanding and acceptance of my position. When I gave The Disclaimer to this particular young lady I got the simple honest question
“Do you want to find out?”
This (among many other things) is why I have come to love my wife so much. We did a research project together and found M. Scott Peck’s book to be the most satisfying answer.
Anyway, the book separates love into two parts Cathexis (the feeling - I love a great football game, I love gardening, I love Christy Brinkley) and Love (the commitment - I will lift up this poo covered screaming baby and clean it, nurture it, and protect it from harm). In a relationship Cathexis can wax and wane, but true Love (the commitment) remains.
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You mentioned the Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. Actually, my friends and I got into a long, heated debate about that book.
One side was saying that it was a beautiful thing that the tree loved the boy so much it would give so selflessly, and the other side said the tree was just being walked all over
Oh, yeah, one last thing, Bob Cos, I can’t agree with you that we can choose to fall in love with someone. And I can’t agree that your definition of love is the strong lasting bond. Love is an important element of that bond but I think true love is something which is more mysterious, powerful and hard to pin down.
… From OP …
What is love? I find I am constantly plagued by it, always wanting and needing it, and am destroyed by it.
In explaination not defense … I have the privilage of working with troubled children (the systems labels them at-risk) one of the things that I wanted them (especially the females) to see was that Love must have an elemet of mutual respect one party simply giving everthing not does not gaurantee happiness but often results in the opposite …
Also I mistakenly read the nature / intent of the OP… sorry…
---------- CheapBastid …
Anyway, the book separates love into two parts Cathexis (the feeling ) and Love (the commitment ). In a relationship Cathexis can wax and wane, but true Love (the commitment) remains.
…
I agree very much that LOVE has many aspects I hope to read the book … It really is a complicated juggling act … Emotiom / Hormones / Instinct / Logic / Peer - societal pressure / Self- esteeem … etc
LaurAnge, when it’s described as “falling in love,” I have generally found that this refers to the feelings of infatuation and physical attraction that start (and then intensify) when someone intriguing/appealing saunters by; high school sophomores tend to get this particularly bad, though we never really overcome this tendency completely. Yes, you can’t completely control it or spark it when it hasn’t occurred without prompting, and it is often the pre-cursor to real, mature love (as I defined it in my last post).
But there’s a reason this feeling by itself doesn’t prove to be a “strong lasting bond”–it isn’t. This type of infatuation, just like in high school and regardless of how intensely it is felt, tends to diminish. This phenomenom is what is often described as “the magic just left us” or “we just drifted apart” or “we fell out of love”–in other words, something that I have no control over happened to me, and it has suddenly stopped, again through no fault of mine. It’s really a pretty predictable process (one we have all gone through) when it is not accompanied by a mature and deliberate decision to remain committed. I have lots and lots of friends who seem pretty devoted to this endless cycle, and who likewise feel I’m a hopeless UNromantic who just can’t understand the depths of their feelings and the caprices of this mysterious thing that they go through.
Do you have a different spin on this? I’m interested if your experience suggests that this explanation just isn’t possible.
The answer to what is love is not an easy one to spew forth. I have been in love (well, what I think is love) twice.
Love for me is that both times I have been hurt on both occassions (and only with them) I tend to have gone back for me … does that show I love them? Does it show stupidity?
Who knows …
perhaps the question you might want to phrase is: What is it to have a relationship?
Love is very powerful, and too complex to explain in simple terms, but perhaps a bit of psychobabble might help. Keep in mind, that our relationships in life, whether with mom and dad, siblings, friends, or lovers are comrised of all the emotions, we expect things, we want things, we do things, and they define our relationship.
Just as your body is made up of cells and organs and the such, the physical that is, your other than physical, the “soul”, or what ever it is you wish to call it, is made up of the emotional. The two strongest human emotions mainly, Fear, and Love, and all the emotions that come from fear and love. Many people confuse the feeling
We experience both emotions, but the one that predominates in everyday people is fear. To understand the emotions, we can describe the characteristics about Love and Fear.
Love has no obligations, FEAR is full of obligations. with fear, we feel we MUST do things, we EXPECT other people to do things, we feel they HAVE to do it. we put upon ourselves the OBLIGATIONS, and then we resist, the more resistence, the more we suffer. LOVE has no obligations, we do it because we WANT to do it, it becomes pleasureful, like a game almost, and we have fun with it.
LOVE has no expectations, FEAR is full of expectations. with FEAR we do things becuase we expect we have to, we expect others are going to do the same… That is why fear hurts, and love doesn’t hurt. If we expect something, and it doesn’t happen, we are pained by it, then we want to get even, revenge, also a product of FEAR, and this hurts our SO, and they want to resist back… etc. With LOVE, there is no expectations, no way to get hurt, we do what we want to, they do what they want to, we don’t expect anything of them, and when they do something we like, we are happy, we never expected anything. If they don’t do something, it’s not personal, becuase we don’t expect it.
LOVE is based on RESPECT. FEAR doesn’t respect anything, including itself. Pity, feeling sorry for someone, is not respect, it is lack of respect. “You cannot make your own choices, i don’t respect you”. so if you don’t respect someone, you try to control them in a relationship, we feel sorry for our SO in a relationship lacking respect, becuase we feel they can not do what we expect, and we push ourselves to do it for them. This is FEAR acting. Self pity comes from disrespect as well. LOVE is rutheless that way, it doesn’t feel sorry for anyone, but it has COMPASSION. FEAR is full of pity, feels sorry for everyone. If you feel sorry fro me when you don’t respect me, when you don’t think i am strong enough to make it. Love respects, I know you can make it, i know you are strong enough, good enough to make your own choices… If you fall, i’ll lend you my hand. See, you are not controlling, you are letting your SO be her/him-self, and are there to support SO. that is LOVE. That is COMPASSION, which comes from respect and love.
LOVE is responsible, FEAR avoids responsibility. Trying to avoid responsibility causes consequences that end up hurting, this comes from FEAR. You must take responsibility for your own actions, if you try to put that responsibility on others for your consequences, you hurt them, and yourself more. LOVE take that responsibility, and accepts it. If the consequence hurts, it hurts only you, not others.
LOVE is kind, FEAR is unkind. with all the things that come from FEAR, we feel victimized… angry… sad… jealous… or betrayed. Anger is FEAR with a mask. So is sadness, jealousy… these all come from the feeling of obligations. you expect, you resist, you hurt. with LOVE, no obligations, no expectations, you don’t feel sorry for yourself or your SO becuase you expect nothing, and things are going well for you, no obstacles are put in the path of the relationship because you don’t put them there. With FEAR, we put them there. The kindness of LOVE, letting you feel good because of the freedom of all the obligations, creates generosity, while FEAR, creates selfishness.
LOVE is unconditional, FEAR is full of conditions. FEAR says: i love you if you let me control you, or if you are good to me, or if you fit the image i make for you, or if you say you love me… You judge based on these expectations and conditions, and that type of obligations cause more friction. LOVE has no if in it’s sentences. It is unconditional, you are with that person simply because you want to be. We don’t have the right to change someone else.
with love, we pay once for the penalties and learn from them, so we may be hurt once, but we know it was our fault, and will not do the same mistake. with fear, we push it on others, and that turns back on both of us.
Remember also then, that love is responsible only for YOUR half of the relationship, you are responsible for only your half, you can not control the other half. That takes some weight off of you doesn’t it? You only need to worry about yourself. Do the things that you know are right, that make you feel good about being with your SO. When good things happen between you two, this is a bonus feeling, and the happiness comes from not having the obligations in the way.
Sometimes it won’t work out, that’s normal, not everyone can have a perfect relationship, but it doesn’t have to hurt so much if you love yourself. When you realize that love is not something you can push on someone, that you must have it for yourself, you must be aware of what it is, and the difference between that and fear, then you will feel what love is. it brings happiness, it is FEAR that brings sadness. Don’t confuse the two. No one else can make you happy, you feeling happy comes from you. Your feeling for someone else is coming from you, you are the cause, and it makes you happy, not them. If you burden your SO with the weight of “It is YOU that makes me so happy!”, without realizing it, they feel pressure to keep this up, obligated. You may not even realize you are doing this, but be aware, that it is really you that make yourself happy. They make themselves happy, and together, you can both be happy.