perhaps the question you might want to phrase is: What is it to have a relationship?
Love is very powerful, and too complex to explain in simple terms, but perhaps a bit of psychobabble might help. Keep in mind, that our relationships in life, whether with mom and dad, siblings, friends, or lovers are comrised of all the emotions, we expect things, we want things, we do things, and they define our relationship.
Just as your body is made up of cells and organs and the such, the physical that is, your other than physical, the “soul”, or what ever it is you wish to call it, is made up of the emotional. The two strongest human emotions mainly, Fear, and Love, and all the emotions that come from fear and love. Many people confuse the feeling
We experience both emotions, but the one that predominates in everyday people is fear. To understand the emotions, we can describe the characteristics about Love and Fear.
Love has no obligations, FEAR is full of obligations. with fear, we feel we MUST do things, we EXPECT other people to do things, we feel they HAVE to do it. we put upon ourselves the OBLIGATIONS, and then we resist, the more resistence, the more we suffer. LOVE has no obligations, we do it because we WANT to do it, it becomes pleasureful, like a game almost, and we have fun with it.
LOVE has no expectations, FEAR is full of expectations. with FEAR we do things becuase we expect we have to, we expect others are going to do the same… That is why fear hurts, and love doesn’t hurt. If we expect something, and it doesn’t happen, we are pained by it, then we want to get even, revenge, also a product of FEAR, and this hurts our SO, and they want to resist back… etc. With LOVE, there is no expectations, no way to get hurt, we do what we want to, they do what they want to, we don’t expect anything of them, and when they do something we like, we are happy, we never expected anything.
If they don’t do something, it’s not personal, becuase we don’t expect it.
LOVE is based on RESPECT. FEAR doesn’t respect anything, including itself. Pity, feeling sorry for someone, is not respect, it is lack of respect. “You cannot make your own choices, i don’t respect you”. so if you don’t respect someone, you try to control them in a relationship, we feel sorry for our SO in a relationship lacking respect, becuase we feel they can not do what we expect, and we push ourselves to do it for them. This is FEAR acting. Self pity comes from disrespect as well. LOVE is rutheless that way, it doesn’t feel sorry for anyone, but it has COMPASSION. FEAR is full of pity, feels sorry for everyone. If you feel sorry fro me when you don’t respect me, when you don’t think i am strong enough to make it. Love respects, I know you can make it, i know you are strong enough, good enough to make your own choices… If you fall, i’ll lend you my hand. See, you are not controlling, you are letting your SO be her/him-self, and are there to support SO. that is LOVE. That is COMPASSION, which comes from respect and love.
LOVE is responsible, FEAR avoids responsibility. Trying to avoid responsibility causes consequences that end up hurting, this comes from FEAR. You must take responsibility for your own actions, if you try to put that responsibility on others for your consequences, you hurt them, and yourself more. LOVE take that responsibility, and accepts it. If the consequence hurts, it hurts only you, not others.
LOVE is kind, FEAR is unkind. with all the things that come from FEAR, we feel victimized… angry… sad… jealous… or betrayed. Anger is FEAR with a mask. So is sadness, jealousy… these all come from the feeling of obligations. you expect, you resist, you hurt. with LOVE, no obligations, no expectations, you don’t feel sorry for yourself or your SO becuase you expect nothing, and things are going well for you, no obstacles are put in the path of the relationship because you don’t put them there. With FEAR, we put them there. The kindness of LOVE, letting you feel good because of the freedom of all the obligations, creates generosity, while FEAR, creates selfishness.
LOVE is unconditional, FEAR is full of conditions. FEAR says: i love you if you let me control you, or if you are good to me, or if you fit the image i make for you, or if you say you love me… You judge based on these expectations and conditions, and that type of obligations cause more friction. LOVE has no if in it’s sentences. It is unconditional, you are with that person simply because you want to be. We don’t have the right to change someone else.
with love, we pay once for the penalties and learn from them, so we may be hurt once, but we know it was our fault, and will not do the same mistake. with fear, we push it on others, and that turns back on both of us.
Remember also then, that love is responsible only for YOUR half of the relationship, you are responsible for only your half, you can not control the other half. That takes some weight off of you doesn’t it? You only need to worry about yourself. Do the things that you know are right, that make you feel good about being with your SO. When good things happen between you two, this is a bonus feeling, and the happiness comes from not having the obligations in the way.
Sometimes it won’t work out, that’s normal, not everyone can have a perfect relationship, but it doesn’t have to hurt so much if you love yourself. When you realize that love is not something you can push on someone, that you must have it for yourself, you must be aware of what it is, and the difference between that and fear, then you will feel what love is. it brings happiness, it is FEAR that brings sadness. Don’t confuse the two. No one else can make you happy, you feeling happy comes from you. Your feeling for someone else is coming from you, you are the cause, and it makes you happy, not them. If you burden your SO with the weight of “It is YOU that makes me so happy!”, without realizing it, they feel pressure to keep this up, obligated. You may not even realize you are doing this, but be aware, that it is really you that make yourself happy. They make themselves happy, and together, you can both be happy.