Ok, I have a burning question. I am looking for honest, open answers to ponder on the subject of love.
How do you know when you love someone? What differentiates it from infatuation, obsession, or crushing?(I am talking romantic love here.)
How do you know that it is true love and not some self deception controlled by illogical emotions?
I know this may seem lame and probably has already been answered, but I am curious what all of you think about the subject.
Sorry about the triple thread. I have no clue how that happened.
Moderator’s Notes:
[ol]
[li]Duplicate threads deleted.[/li]
[li]Edited thread title.[/li]
[li]Moving from GQ to IMHO.[/li][/ol]
General Questions is for questions with factual answers. IMHO is for opinions and polls. I’ll move this to IMHO for you. I closed the duplicate threads.
Off to IMHO.
DrMatrix - GQ Moderator
As long as this is in GQ… and not IMHO…
There seems to be no reason to think that being IN LOVE is really any different from infatuation. It’s the serum that runs through many great novels and poetry, but it fades over time.
What’s left when that goes away - if you’re very lucky - is really much more like the love you have for a trusted friend or for a family member. Which, IMHO, has much more to do with trust, respect, forgiveness of frailties, and a sense of belonging with this person than with romance.
Or I could just let MEBuckner handle it. . .
Thank you for being cool to a newbie, Doc. I appreciate your patience.
Well, this is a bit lame (my answer, that is, not the question) but in very general terms, infatuation is unrequited and often unrealistic (i.e. being in love with a celebrity). Obsession doesn’t require you to love someone, it’s a fixation. Crushing is, I suppose, more transitory and less deep. This is pretty murky territory, really, and it’s up to you to sort out your own feelings, I’m afraid. I might also recommend that you don’t need to categorize these things. If you care for someone, don’t worry about the appropriate word for it. Follow it (unless there’s some reason NOT to do so) and figure it out that way. Don’t let preconceived notions - especially someone else’s - dictate what you do.
Why does love have to be logical? I don’t think it necessarily is, and I don’t see why that’s so bad. But then, perhaps you’re a Vulcan and I’m not. (Well, I’m definitely not.) Live long and prosper, anyway.
Logic does occasionally enter the picture - for example, if you’re in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same, it’s logical to move on in time.
If it’s self-deception, you DON’T know that it’s not. That’s why it’s self-deception. I guess.
Nah, but really: the only thing I can say is that you have to sound out your feelings. When the doubt as to what’s what dies down, you tend to have a clearer picture of what you’re really feeling.
I don’t disagree with what Engywook says, though I’d say a certain kind of passion should survive - then again, I guess I’m not in a position to know for sure.
For years, I confused infatuation with ‘being in love’.
I believe there is a huge difference. Yes, often infatuation can lead to love, but they are not one & the same!
Infatuation can manifest itself in many different, unhealthy ways (e.g. obsession), whereas TRUE love is a positive, motivating force that enhances your life.
Personally, I believe that you know you’re ‘in love’ with someone when you become a better person because of his/her presence in your life.
Phew
Big question.
“You’ll know it when you are in it.” I’m kidding. I won’t say that, even though that’s the answer I used to get a lot when I’d ask this.
Infatuation = crushing, as far as I can tell. But then again, I’m old and not up on the cool lingo of the day. Obsession is all about you, not the person you supposedly care about. It’s this consuming unrealistic owership thing. Infatuation from love is harder…
Easiest way I differentiated infatuation from love is this: with infatuation, there was this great rush of emotions and if pressed, I’d have to say that there wasn’t a lot of security involved. Everything had to be done right now. Infatuation tends to be short-lived (personal experience, 6 months to a year). With love, there’s a sense of “things can wait because I’ll still be here”. The focus is no longer completely on how I feel, but genuinely (not in any self-sacrificial/martyr way) about the other person and the relationship itself. Ideally you still get the emotional rushes, but after that dies down (and it will) you find that you still like the person underneath.
Of course, this says nothing about how to tell if someone else loves you or if a relationship is good for the long haul or not.
Your mileage will definitely vary.
Hard question, SCHLERMIE.
I think Peg did a nice job - allow me to build on that and add my own $.02:
Infatuation - a sprint; can’t think about anything else, and therefore can’t experience the relationship as an integrated part of your life - it is all-consuming; potentially untested, or only limited challenges; you aren’t safe, really - you are still at risk, but experiencing an ever-increasing rush as you allow yourself to be more vulnerable.
Really in Love - a marathon; something you can come back to when you have been off thinking about other things; an integrated part of your life; has withstood, if not the test of time, at least several hard knocks, both to the relationship and to each participant via external factors. You find yourself willing to be part of it and work on it, even on days you don’t want to (kind of like dedicated athletes - if they are willing to get over their moods and be up at 5am for practice, they are dedicated); you feel safe - you know how vulnerable you want/can be with this person and there are few surprises (or, at least, few that you aren’t working on together).
My initial thinking - hope it helps.
Nice, WordMan. I like this. Another point about infatuation I didn’t mention (trying to be pithy) is that you tend to sweep conflicts and blemishes under the rug. You don’t want to ruin the illusion. With love, you look hard at your faults, the other person’s faults, potential weaknesses of your relationship, but more than accept them, you work with them.
So that’s my 2-cents on top of WordMan’s 2-cents. We’re up to what, 6-cents now? 
How do you know when you love someone?
When you have a crush and are very young, you’d do ANYTHING for your love - like Romeo and Juliet. (You are in love with love)
When you’re IN love, you are addicted to how your lover makes you feel.
When you love someone, you will do everything possible to protect your lover, both physically and emotionally. The last thing you want is for your lover to hurt in any way. You know you love someone, by how you want to make THEM feel. When you can’t sleep because you’ve yelled and were mean; when you don’t hide in embarrassment at something that they do; when you no longer think of “you” first… That’s when you know it’s love.
IMHO - Infatuaion is the begining of love. The spark that happens that feels like a raging wild fire. When you feel like you can’t breathe until you see that person again. It’s passion and excitement and a thrill and feeling exhilerated.
Love is what happens to that inaftuation over time with trust and respect. It mellows and deepens. The passion is still there but instead of a wildfire out of control, it’s more like a churning river, continual, strong, but not nearly as destructive and much more predictable. It’s looking at that person at their worst and loving everything about them. IT’s visualizing them when they are old and infirm and knowing you will love them even more. It’s wanting the best for them even when it isn’t necessarily what is best for you (but NOT being a martyr mind you) It’s being able to sit in silence and be okay with that. It’s being best friends and a whole lot more.
Love is when you wake up one day and say “I hope, when I am 78 years old and gardening in the back yard, this person calls me in for lunch having made me a tuna fish sandwich.”
::sniff::
That is so true…
[sub]gosh… why am I so emotional today? That post had me tearing up…[/sub]
We’re both vegetarians, but I don’t eat fish. Still, I’d gladly make her a tunafish sandwich (long as I could hold my nose) at 78. 
[Now I just need to get her to read this. ;)]
Another vegetarian here - trying to give up fish.
SCHLERMIE – welcome! You’ve clearly chosen a thought-provoking question, and a user name which is quite difficult to type.
It’s all about that “knife in the chest” feeling. If, when you lean in for a kiss, it feels like your heart is being shredded, you’re in love.
Or, that could be lust…maybe heartburn…
OK, when you guys are 78 years old, they can make you portabello on toast
my rule of thumb for helping people decide whether it’s love or infatuation:
a) your lover is Perfect. they do no wrong, say no wrong, think no wrong… you get the picture. you’ll happily worship them, from afar for the moment if necessary. if you’re with them, you might well be all tongue-tied and gooshy inside. you don’t know what their plans may be for their future – what kind of career interests them, what their views on philosophy, religion, politics and such may be, whether they want children (and how many if they do) – but you’re positive that living with them will be absolutely wonderful.
this is infatuation/crush/obsession.
b) your lover as flaws like other human beings. but that’s part of what makes them a whole person, and you’re okay with that. you can have discussions for hours on all kinds of topics, even disagreeing on some of them. you are fascinated by learning about their hopes, dreams, fears and plans… and discuss how they mirror your own (when they do) or how some compromise position might be reached (when they don’t). it’s possible there could be some bumps on the road if you travel together, but you’re willing to find ways to work with/around them, because being with them is worth facing the hassles.
this is love.