How do you know [you're really in love]?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Ultimitly, there isn’t any way to know for sure: you can’t take a test or use a checklist or ask yourself just the right probbing questions and prove that what you feel is “the real thing” or that it will last. That’s why relationships are a blind leap of faith. In making the decision whether or not to commit to someone, I think it is less important to compare that relationship with this external yardstick and more important to make decisions not based on the nature of the relationship but on the nature of the other person involved.

Our brains work by classifying things, but for meI don’t think there is much point in trying to catagorize my various relationships as “infatuations” or “crushes” or “real loves”. For one thing, doing that seems to suggest that the time(s) I was “really in love” are more important or more signifigant than the other sorts of relationships, and I am not sure that that is true. I’ve had some really intense, brief infatuations that had–and continue to have–profound effects on my development as a person long after I dropped out of contact with the person.

22

Mando Jo, are you a psychologist or counselor of some type? Your posts are always stunning in their insight.

23

You know, this may be slightly off-topic, but I really loved the line “Crushes don’t last for 13 years” in “there’s something about Mary”.

A little spoiler about “there’s something about Mary” (and if you haven’t seen that film yet… Go see it!)

Ted clearly was in love with Mary, even though everyone around him regarded him as a creepy stalker or wanted to suggest that it was a mere “crush”. Even if there hadn’t been the happy end and the movie had ended with him walking away in tears, it would have been real love. And I guess that’s what matters - what it feels like to you, no matter what the other people think about you or your feelings.

24

U like someone ‘because of’

U love someone ‘in spite of’

This don’t mean that I love you in spite of the fact you didn’t search for ‘love’ first on zee board :slight_smile:

25

Agreed. That’s obsession. :wink:

26

That’s beautiful.

27

Wow!

You guys are GOOD! Brilliant even. Thank you all for responding with such eloquent posts.

I have taken a bit of wisdom from each of you, combined it with my own thoughts and feelings and come to the conclusion that I am very much in love.

28

Hmmm :frowning: Am I the only one that thought Ted was genuinely in love with Mary? Oh well…

Hey, that’s great, hopefully it works out for you :slight_smile:

29

You know you love someone when you realise that you cannot really be happy anymore if your SO is not happy.

An alternative I have heard before: when all thoses love songs on the radio suddenly make sense. :slight_smile:

30

That’s great - I wish you and your partner happiness over a long time.

31

I’m messing around a bit. It’s a classic case of the movies. In a movie, if a guy carries a torch for a girl that long, it’s sweet. Likewise, if he goes out of his way to hatch elaborate plots to observe her, that’s also sweet. In real life, that’d be obsessing or stalking and would lead to a restraining order.

32

Wow. I need to think back 13 years now. Hmmm, I sure wouldn’t mind if any of the people I was close to back then would run into me now, but maybe I am just exceptionally weird.

33

I’m not old enough to do this myself, but I’m not just talking about thinking about people you used to know. From what I remember of the movie, he was incapable of formulating two sentences without talking about her. That’s different.

34

This is a wonderful post Manda Jo and I happen to agree with you. I have learned from every relationship, infatuation, one night stand, etc. Now in my thirties I can clearly see the benefit of my experience and I feel I am now more qualified to make better choices. In no way do I think I’ve learned everything I need to know, but I am certain that I’m at the top of my game thus far.

I think people generally think and discuss romantic love in terms of absolutes, like “you’ll know when it’s the one”, “you’ll find someone”, “it’ll happen when you’re ready”, “there’s someone for eveybody” etc. Couple that with the fairy-tale that we’re sold, especially for females, and you’ve got a potential recipe for disaster, or at the very least, it sets us up for issues that many of us have to work through, which wouldn’t be the case if we had a more realistic presentation of romance in our culture.

There isn’t somone for eveyone, a lot of people die alone, there are people for whom it never happens. A person’s prince or princess may come, but after the gown is off and the flowers from the wedding bouquet fade, there is a lot of work involved in maintaining a marriage–there is rarely a “happily ever after” story. I think it’s prudent for young people to be aware of these things, and to entertain the notion that they might not find someone, and to learn early to be perfectly ok with that.

Of course, YMMV, and if you’re still living in your castle with your royal spouse after all these years, well good on ya. But it’s pretty rare.

35

I unfortunately have been thinking stuff like “you’ll know when” lately. [Why? Because I found her. ;)]
“There’s someone for everybody” sucks in a giant way, and I agree with presidebt about what a load of crap we’ve sold each other about it. But I will say there’s one value to “you’ll know when it’s the one:” taken the right way, it also means “nobody can tell you, you have to figure it out for yourself and it’s a bad idea to rely on everybody else’s preconceived notions - or even your own.” I do think that’s true.

36

Read my old rant, I just posted it on this thread. I think it should answer most of your questions.

37

I remember my textbook in Health class freshman year had a chapter devoted to “Relationships.” One brief but memorable passage described the “symptoms” of love, such as increased heart rate, sweating palms, etc.

It’s both sad and hilarious that the editors believe they can express the complexity of love in a few sentences. I wish I still had a copy of it. They almost made it sound like a disease.

38

“You’ll know when it’s love” is trite; everybody who asks the How Do You Know question hates to hear it – I know I did. But trite or not, it’s true, at least in my case.

Some years ago, when my wife and I were in the process got getting married, another woman in my department was doing the same thing. Ours was a relatively small wedding and it was a nine month process, scheduled for August. Doan’s was more like a twelve month process (she was Catholic and Vietnamese to boot) scheduled for October. During the spring and into the summer we were comparing notes and trading discoveries (like the perfect printer who actually does the job on time) as we progressed.

Then 'round about June, Doan asked, out of the blue, “Are you having any doubts?” Without hesitation I answered, “No; not a bit. This is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
" . . . Oh," was all she said, and we went on to other things. In my mind, though, I said, “Uh, oh.” Sure enough, about a month later, she cancelled the wedding.

It turned out happily enough; she and her beau did get married a year later and I thought she was wise to postpone things until she was sure. But the point is, at that time, when she asked me, I was sure. And I was right; not once did I regret my marriage, not even when my wife died nor over the years since.

Perhaps it was because of the length of time I had known her. We were friends for five years before we became lovers, then lovers for about four months before we came to the realization that the flames of infatuation had died to the coals of true love – fewer sparks but more heat. Whatever the reason, I spoke the truth to Doan when she asked her question. “This is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

If that’s not love, what is?

DD