How do you know when it’s “Love”?

In My Humble Opinion
1

How do you know when you love someone, and it isn’t just infatuation or a crush? There are those who are of the “you just know” variety. There are the physical signs some will reference, such as the overpowering welling up you feel in your chest or whatever. How do you describe love in more concrete terms?

Here are my thoughts:

  1. When that person is the first one you think of as you wake, as well as the last one on your mind as you fall asleep.
  2. When you see something that moves you – whether it is something like the car you have always wanted, or a beautiful sunset, the moment feels empty if that person isn’t there to share it with you.
  3. You can’t imagine making any major decisions without getting that person’s thoughts – not that you will necessarily follow them, just that you feel the need to share it with them.
  4. You feel an over-powering concern for the other person – you care what happens to them and it hurts you when they are hurt.
  5. When you know the worst of their faults and failings and those things don’t turn you away.
  6. You trust them completely – beyond not betraying you, but also with your deepest thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
  7. When who the other person is matters more to you than any surface level feature. For example, if the other person were to be paralyzed in an accident tomorrow, you know you would stay with them despite the difficulty.
  8. When you feel gratitude for the other person’s company – when they know you inside and out and not only accept you as you are, but appreciate you.
  9. This is the biggest one – when the other’s happiness means more to you than your own, when you would be willing to sacrifice nearly anything if it would truly make the other person happy.

Please share your own thoughts on love.

P.S. This must have been done before, but since these are all very common words, I had no luck locating a previous thread.

2

…when you are willing eat tuna and pea croquettes with cream corn and beets.

3

Well… (deep breath, I’m going to ramble! Brace yourselves…)

I’ve thought I was in love many, many times in the past. Standing outside of those situations, now, of course, gives me a new perspective - not always a pretty one.

After much giving and taking and heartbreak and depression… I met my now-husband. He was my best friend before he was ever my lover. I didn’t even realise I could be in love with him until he gave me a ring…

It sounds unexciting, but it is the truth. My truth, anyway. I stepped back and looked at him, and told him I needed time to think. And the more I thought about him, the more I loved him. And the more I fell in love with him. This man:

Respects me
Trusts me
Doesn’t make fun of anything I love
Gives me any space I request
I can tell him anything and not worry if it sounded offensive or stupid

These feelings are all reciprocated by him, and then some. I would die for this man, but I have never had to lose my identity for this man. I can go out for one of my walks and stare across the water, knowing it is one of my husband’s favourite scenes - and instead of feeling empty without him there, I feel more like he is always there, in some way - his love for the beauty I’m seeing only makes me feel good about what I’m seeing - does that make any sense? It’s always nicer with him there, of course, but I don’t feel empty when he’s not - just the opposite - I feel filled up and content that I can enjoy it on my own, and that the scene makes me think of him in a happy way. If I had gone to look at the water when I was feeling morose, and having never met my husband, I might not have appreciated the scene as much, whereas because I know and love my husband, even when I’m alone, the scene makes me feel happy.

He’s the first man I’ve ever loved for who he is, because he loves me for who I am, warts and all. We’ve known each other long enough to know each other’s closet skeletons, each other’s deepest feelings - true feelings, too, not the stuff lustful lovers “confess” to each other to make the other smile. I’ve been there. I thought I knew my ex-fiance, only to find out all of his “deep thoughts” and “confessions” were created only to make me want him more, to love him more, to not leave him. He had me entrapped, entangled, and entranced - and then he left me for another woman. His new “soulmate du jour”, who he suddenly began calling her by all the sweet names he’d called me, and telling her all of his “secrets”. My husband tells me everything, frankly and honestly - let me tell you, none of it has any design or hidden agendas! LOL! It’s not all bad, but it is certainly all human.

I fell in love with my husband, deeply, when I realised he was human. Not a fantasy, not a pipedream, not a sex toy, not a knight in shining armour upon a white horse, not a demigod - I fell in love with my husband when I realised he was just him, and that he loved me in the same way. We are both individuals, who love each other for who we are. My husband is my top priority, my best friend, my deepest love - but he does not consume me to the point that I can do nothing without him. My life is enriched by him, not colourless without him by my side at all times.

Whenever he steps out of the house, or speaks with another woman, or goes out to play ball with the boys, I don’t feel anxious, nervous, jealous, angry… I genuinly trust and respect him. I never, ever hear myself asking (as I did with men in the past) “Do you think she’s pretty?” “Why don’t you want to spend time with me?” or “Where were you last night?” Why? Because he makes me feel like I am beautiful, he makes me feel respected, he spends time with me and gives me space when I need it (and doesn’t sulk or get pissy about it later), and I always know where he is - and not because I asked him to tell me. He often leaves a note and/or a number where I can reach him in case of an emergency, and then gives me a call to make sure I got it - all without any prompting by me. I never had to.

Loving him is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. That’s how I knew it was love*.

*Your experiences may vary.

4

I’d modify this to read “When another person’s happiness *is essential * to your own.”

…when thinking of Life without the other person hurts!

5

I never used to buy into the whole ‘love’ experience: I can do lustful affection, or affectionate lust with aplomb, but the idea of ‘just knowing’ esaped me, until recently. I agree with this:

.
I still broke up with him, though.

6

The more I think about this question, the more it bugs me. My above post was more of an ode to my relationship with my husband. I have to stop and think harder about this…

Love is everything - every relationship you’ve ever been in, the best and the worst, is all love. I mean, you wouldn’t have even bothered getting into if you didn’t at least think it was love or could lead to it, right? Even though I hate, loathe, despise, detest, etc my ex’s who burned me badly now, I can’t say that I was never in love with them, because I was (that’s part of why I hate them so much today - it’s that selfish, whining part that says “Why couldn’t you have loved me back in the same way I loved you? Why did you have to make me feel unlovable, even for a short time?”). There were varying degrees of lust/love levels in each and every one, each was unique, but each was love. When we end a relationship, we (and others) tell ourselves “That wasn’t love.” Why wasn’t it? Just because you don’t feel the same anymore doesn’t mean you didn’t love that person at some point. It makes us feel better to say it, though, and we look forward to the day we find someone who loves us for who we are forever and ever and ever.

I love my husband, and I hope we grow old together, happily. But we hope that for every serious relationship, don’t we? We just have many people trying out for the part. My husband got the lead role, that’s all, and after seeing all the other actors trying out for the part, I got more and more selective, and he meets more of my criteria than anyone else has, and then some. And I love him with all of my heart and soul and fibre of my being and whatever else I can love him with.

When I read it over, it sounds a little cold… it was meant to sound a lot warmer. Hrm.

7

Thanks - I agree with your rewrite - I didn’t like the way I phrased it, but couldn’t think of a better way to put it.

8

Anastasaeon - I don’t think either of your posts sound cold. However, I feel like you are answering the question, how do you know when you have found “the One” rather than the one that I posed. I was more interested in the actual realization of the feeling. Tell me about the first time you told him that you loved him, and what thoughts made you realize that you did love him. I feel like you are describing aspects of the relationship, not the feelings behind the relationship. I am not sure if I put that at all clearly. It is very possible to love someone and not have them return the feeling. It is possible to love someone at some point and not have that love last forever, as in the case of exes. I don’t think all relationships involve love, though. It is possible to be infatuated with someone without actually loving them.

9

Ohhhhhhh! That is so much easier! :smiley: (I tend to overcomplicate things, kinya tell?)

Wow, the first time I told him I loved him… he had already told me by then, and I’d had to spend some time thinking about it. When I did say it, though, wow. It was like the Universe clicked into place, there were fireworks, a big parade, people died and babies were born, but I was oblivious to it all - my world was complete. My only thought at the time that I said it was “I really mean it, I really do, I really love this person, how did I miss it all this time?”

The thoughts that made me realise I loved him… well, I think the first post I made summed it up - the respect, the trust, then there’s feeling safe, and warm and happy whenever I see him, and the one thing that clinched it for me: he was so easy to love. I didn’t feel desperate or scared, wondering if it would all be gone tomorrow.

I’m still not sure if I understood the post 100% (not your fault if i don’t, it sometimes takes me a couple… few… dozen times to catch on), but I think I got it this time… and even if I didn’t, at least it has made me think. :smiley: And hubby’s going to walk in the door tonight and get a great big bear hug!

10

Oh, man. You nailed it right here, IMHO. I’ve been in love a couple of times. And I’m going to be a bit ballsy and say I might be on the verge of it right this very second with someone new. But I’m kind of in the rationalization stage right now. Do I really love this guy? Or am I just hot for him and it’s wishful thinking.

You list above is essentially to me what I am looking for in a mate. Most particularly the “not making fun” and “not sounding offensive or stupid”. Basically someone I can be myself around and know that I will not be judged. And it’s things like this that I’m pondering about right now, to see if The Guy fits the bill.

I’m leaning towards the fact that he does, but I am at this moment in time too chicken shit to verbalize it. I haven’t gotten my rational side to allow my emotional side to take over yet. :stuck_out_tongue:

In short[sub]ha[/sub]I’m grappling with the question “how do you know?” myself, but those are the things that I think are essential - when I decide he fits the bill, that’s when I’ll feel comfortable saying “Hey! I <3 You!”

[sub]God help me if he finds this before I gather up the courage…[/sub]

11

The nine items listed are all classic signs of infatuation. Many of them will fade in time, even if you love each other deeply. If you don’t, they will all fade – that’s how you tell the difference. Time is the only difference; in the beginning, love and infatuation are indistinguishable.

12

When nothing big is official unless you’ve told that person. Nothing big is … it doesn’t hit until that person knows. It’s almost unimportant - the important thing is to say “Hey! Guess what!”

13

I’ll agree with nametag - at least the first and the last.

Brainiac4 and I have been married nine and a half years. I love him very much, he loves me very much (or so he says), but he isn’t the first thing I think of in the morning (which is usually “God, is it a weekday?!”) or the last thing I think of a night (which is usually “If all the donkey’s were purple, we’d solve all the world’s energy problems!” or some other sleep addled relevation).

And, as much as I love him, I wouldn’t sacrifice my own happiness for his. If he said tomorrow…“Honey, I met a lovely girl, you’ll really like her, how do you feel about a group marriage?,” his happiness would NOT be my motivator. (Don’t laugh, that’s a Cliff Note’s version of how my first marriage broke up).

I’ve always said love is when you realize that when you are 70 years old, this is the person you want to call from the garden for a lunch of tuna fish sandwiches.

14

For me, love is all of the above plus being able to say “I don’t know” and not feel embarrassed.

I’ve always had a hard time letting on to people that I don’t know or understand something. With Ardred, I’m able to say “I don’t know” and “what does that mean” without fear.

15

I can’t tell you, but it lasts forever.

Sorry. Thanks though, now I’m going to have that song in my head for the rest of the day. :smiley:

16

I knew it was love when I threw out all my “How To Meet A Man” manuals.

17

Yeah, right. Loke you’re going to find the answer to that question here. :wink:
Like Nametag said, though, it takes time. A lot of time. When you see a very old couple together, you can tell. They’re like one.
Peace,
mangeorge

18

I’m glad someone else did it. I’ve been fighting the temptation to post that since this thread was first posted and have been checking back in sporadically to see if I was the only one who thought it.

19

To me, an essential quality is that you are prepared to accept without reservation that the other person is acting with good will toward you at all times.

This can be broken – often it should be broken – and I would argue when that happens, you aren’t in love anymore (which again, can sometimes be preferable).

20

I dunno, it could just be temporary insanity.
I was sure my former husband was The One. I knew before we even spoke.
I had all of that list except 6 and 8.

Nowadays, I have no clue what love would feel like if I ever felt it.
I don’t ever expect to.
I know its not a goopy romantic feeling, I think romance is a total scam.