I think I’ll borrow the standard Argentinian inauguration speech:
My (fellow?) Americans, I have good news and bad news:
The good news is that we have paid the country’s debts.
The bad news is that we have 24 hours to move out of the country.
“As the first winner of ‘We Might as Well Pick a President by Lottery’…”
That was funny.
"My fellow Americans… well, that’s not strictly accurate, is it?.. All you Americans, pin your ears back and listen up. I don’t know and frankly don’t care just what particular combination of desperation, poor judgement and cocaine-fuelled illegality got us here. No doubt a panicky investigation is taking place as we speak: let me assure you that my first act as President will be to shut that investigation down. The point is that we are here, on a glorious new day: a day on which America died, and Stanistan was born. Strap in, citizens, it’s going to be quite a ride…
“While I have sometimes been accused of impiety, rest assured that I intend to model my Administration on the Papacy of Alexander Borgia.”
“See this, Emily Stewart from 10th grade? I’ll bet you’re sorry you didn’t go out with me now!”
“My fellow Canadians…”
My fellow Americans: What the hell were you thinking? Seriously. Anyway, we’re all screwed now.
(Bonus: Can double as Trump’s inauguration speech should it prove necessary)
I thank you for choosing me to become President of the United States.
We Americans are a hard-working, good and generous people. We can, in freedom, accomplish amazing things: confronting tyranny and extremism, caring for the less fortunate, and exploring the universe. This great republic has met and overcome every challenge for centuries. I am certain that it always will, blessed by God and faithfully guided by the Constitution given us by the genius of the Framers.
And now, with determination, deep humility and an abiding hope for the future, I will swear the same oath sworn by George Washington.
my fellow americans it grieves me to announce change is not coming any legslation i try to enact may likely stall in congress.by midterms my party will be minroty in house and senate it be luck if one member of my party is holding office two years from now.by the timeof my relection i will already be a lame duck president.
“My fellow Americans, it was a fun experiment but the colonies are returning to their rightful place as British subjects. God save the Queen.”
“H.L. Mencken once defined democracy as ‘the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.’ Grab your ankles, America!”
“Ohhh, boy.”
I want a Like button. 
“…and, my comrades, I vow that the following individuals will be deported to corrective labour camps in Alaska:
Rush Limbaugh
Bill Maher
Arthur Chu
Charles and David Koch
Martin Shkreli
Irving Kristol
Joel Osteen
Melissa McEwan
Scott Walker
Roosh V
Sheldon Adelson”
“I know what you’re thinking, 'cause right now I’m thinking the same thing. Actually, I’ve been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn’t I take the BLUE pill?”
Anny, surprised no one has posted this already
My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!
Wait, wait - I thought Ted Cruz dropped out of the race?!
My fellow Americans, the inauguration party begins tonight at 7:00PM, sponsored by Playboy, Jack Daniels, Trojan condoms, Brown’s Catering and Vienna Beef. You must be 21 years or older to enter the party, no kids allowed. Alcohol will be provided at the party, along with music, food, and hot babes. Invite only, you must have an invite slip approved by me (and only me) to access the party. Transportation will be provided at the party.
Also, I’m legalizing marijuana. That is all.
“You, you, you, you, you and your wife, him and you ; get out. Now. The rest of y’all can stay. FOR NOW.”
“This isn’t where I parked my car.”