In my best Heinz Doofensmirzt accent.
“At last I’ve taken over the American area.”
“Ummm… I’m not quite sure how the happened and I apologize for any inconvenience to anyone that my election may have caused. My first days in office will be devoted to finding a suitable replacement, and I will do my best to hold things together until he or she can be sworn in. Please bear with me in the days ahead, I’ll get out of your hair and get things back to normal as soon as I can.”
Pardon me while I step out of this human suit.
Mua haha haha haha HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAMUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
And now for something completely different.
(as the band strikes up “The Liberty Bell”)
“As I promised on the campaign trail, I will now release the hostages.”
I was at Bill Clinton’s first inauguration in 1993, and the Marine Band actually played it!
"My Fellow Americans.
The hour of a new future is upon us. History will remember the day that we left the old, stagnant stalemates of yesteryear and embrace a new era of progress, of reinvestment, and a new competitiveness to make our economy, our society and our children the very best they can be.
Some politicians wish to spend billions of dollars to build a wall. We’re going to be building–and repairing–our roads, our trains, and our airports.
Some politicians believe that healthcare is a great way to force Americans into bankruptcy and poverty. We’re going to create single payer healthcare for all Americans.
Some politicians seek to destroy families and deport over ten million undocumented immigrants to this country. I am issuing, by executive order, an amnesty and a path to citizenship, for all those who have complied with the law.
Some politicians believe that we should sell firearms to terror suspects, to the mentally ill, and to hardened criminals. We will ban the myriad ways that our laws allow these purchases, and we will hold accountable those who would make those transactions.
Some politicians believe that the war on drugs is a war worth waging. For forty years, we’ve sought to punish those who use controlled substances but have basically made them unable to live normal lives and created a gigantic underworld economy. It is long overdue to end stiff punishments against non-violent drug users and address drug use for what it is–a symptom of mental health. Our Administration will seek to offer rehabilitation as a national priority.
Finally, my fellow Americans, too many politicians have simply voted for their donor friends. Too many have and implemented policies reflecting the names on their checks and too few have listened to what you have to say. We have the right to regulate our elections, to get dark money out of politics, and to defend our own freedom from lobbyists. I will require my nominees to the Supreme Court to overturn the misguided mantra of money as speech, and if it is otherwise impossible, I will call for a constitutional amendment to explicitly claim this freedom for all Americans.
Thank you all.
God Bless You
God Bless the United States of America!"
In a triumph of the middling, a nod to mediocrity, and with gorge rising, it gives me great nausea to announce that yes,I am your new President;
As a winner I dedicate a sincere and heartfelt **“fuck you!” **to all losers.
I offer a government dedicated to self promotion;
This is a reversion to the mean, the nasty, the bigoted and the blinkered;
A demonstration of the power of the American Dream, reality TV and a solid advertising budget;
And will give hope to millions unfavoured by the exceptional, and a windfall to popcorn retailers.
The Vice Presidency, was once famously described as not being worth a warm bucket of spit; let’s now bring the Presidency to the same unexhaulted level. Not the worst. Not the best. Just what you’re stuck with.
Thank God I’m an American by birth. Amen.
[with all due apologies and acknowledgements to the scriptwriters from “The West Wing”]
You both saw the 100-word limit, right?
Of course, if nothing else the TRUMP 2016 paradigm is that unrepentant disregard for the rules of the establishment is now as de rigueur as apple pie.
My fellow Americans, I am very glad to see this little gathering. We must overthrow the monarchy and make our country safe for hypocrisy! cues 'CHEERS" card There shall be less work and more play. Every Thursday you shall receive hamburger and egg! cues 'CHEERS" card We shall extend our neighbors a helping hand. We shall give them two helping hands, and help ourselves to our neighbors. Beblach!
You know, when I started this campaign I made a bet. “NOBODY is stupid enough to vote for me”, I said.
Well, I was wrong. We have the stupidest citizenry in the history of the world.
Goodbye. I’m heading to a place with smarter people … North Korea. All Hail President Kim!
Mis Queridos Americanos,
Hoy ha llegado el dia que hemos esperado por mucho tiempo, la reunion de el norte y el sur. Es mas, ahora no va ver separacion de los dos paises que mas bien saben son uno e igual. Ahora todos somos hermanos reunidos!
Le doy gracias a todos que fueron antes de nosotros, que trabajaron a llegar a cabo este triunfo maravilloso y con orgullo les digo que fue dichoso el sacrificio que tomamos todo en asegurar este milagro, y les juro que no van a despreciar este nuevo oportunidad
My fellow Americans,
I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass - and I’m all outta bubblegum.
Duolingo says I’m currently 10% fluid in Spanish. This tells me it is much closer to 1%. 
Don’t worry, that looks like something written in English or another not-spanish language and then google-translated.
“While most presidents try to show you how much they are like you, I won’t. I’m different from all of you. Very, very, very different. And I’m not at all interested in doing anything to placate you. I will rule in a way I feel is best and not because you like it. In the end, you’ll be better off, but you might not feel like it. Objectively, I will be the best president you’ve ever had, but subjectively, some of you will shit yourself as your traditions are brushed aside. Get over it.”
Obama?
With a speech like that, lucky you’re already at the inauguration stage, because I have no idea how you were elected! 
ETA: Then again, you are an inscrutable Old One, so…