Don’t blame me I voted for Nyarlathotep!
Why choose the lesser evil?
"Hey guys. I know I should say something like ‘My fellow Americans’, but that sounds too formal, and I’m not a formal kind of guy. So from now on, enough with that.
Well, I don’t know what to say about all this. Well, I’m your president. I don’t know which one of us should be more surprised. No really. I have no idea what I’m doing. But I promise I’ll try to figure it out. And I’ve been told that they are going to give me advisors to help me and teach me… so… yeah.
Way back when I… well I had no idea that I was even in the order of succession. And then that series of freak accidents… who knew that cats could be so vicious? And that toilet that fell from that Delta flight right… Whoo boy, talk about bad luck happening in 3s. That was 3 times 3.
Anyway, umm… Let me just say that I know I’m not the guy you chose for this job, but I’m the guy you got. So suck it."
Obama spent 2 years trying to placate the GOP and his opponents. He was one of the most moderate presidents we’ve had in decades. You must have just woken up from cryostasis and think the mess in Congress is his fault :rolleyes:
“I’m in the driver’s seat! I’m runnin’ the show! I’M THE FUCKIN’ PRESIDENT!”
I’m PRESIDENTING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER
No, I’m referring to the current Obama who has obviously run out of fucks to give.
These two speeches should get awards:
In defiance of all constitutional, practical, and theological precedent, you, America, have chosen me as President. With great humility, I declare the quadrilingual Esperantic Hegemony of North America! Bonvenon! Bienvenue! ¡Bienvenido! Welcome!
I a
My former fellow Americans, I have renounced my citizenship and have as of this afternoon become a San Marinoan. I refuse to remain a citizen of any country whose voters would have me as a president. Long live cousin Marinus. Arrivederci!
(a nod to Groucho)
No- Spanish is my native language. 
¿Te sientes bien?
I still can’t believe I’m here. Now what am I supposed to do with this château behind me?
My fellow Americans - what the Hell were you thinking? Have you ever read any of my posts on the SDMB? Did you ever talk to anyone who knew me? My own mother wants me dead and you elect me President? Pass some of that stuff around - we’re going to need it the next 4 years. Myself included!
Loved Blue Max’s speech!
Well! My teleprompter is broken, the White House printer was out of ink, the family dog chewed the backup papers (we’re revising our policy on having pets on the White House anyways), and to top things off, our speechwriter just had a heart attack. And if that isn’t bad enough, the WiFi is down, the internal network is disabled, our telephone service is offline, our telegraph service hasn’t been used in decades (and it didn’t work), our attempt at flying an eagle to give us the speech has failed (and actually, I don’t think we tried that yet), and on top of all this, I can’t come up with a speech now because I just smoked something. Oh wait- did I already give a speech out? snickers
To hell with this, is this ceremony over? Let’s have lunch, who’s with me?
My fellow Americans, Franklin Delano Roosevelt famously stated that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. How wrong he was.
Ladies and gentlemen…
…of the Strategic Air Command:
Charlie
Alpha
Papa
Eight
One
One
“I am not Constitutionally eligible to be President. But apparently you decided otherwise. However, the pay is good. So I’ll spend the next four years doing the best I can to make your lives better. Then you can decide if I’ve done a good job. I’m going to go to the afterparty now. Thanks, see ya later.”