…my HOUSE.
You know the old saw, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me?” Well, the collection of sticks and stones I live in is out to kill me.
The toilet downstairs was leaking; water is another enemy. Had to replace the faucet on the wall to stop the water completely. Exchanged faucet after coming up with different explanation for salesgirl than “My nipple’s too big.” Put on faucet. Replaced leaky thing. Leak develops by faucet outlet. Replaced crappy plastic hose with stainless braided hose (less than twice as expensive and worth every penny–no leaks, no breaks, no nothin’). Faucet starts leaking at nipple. Can’t (won’t) replace nipple because the other end is inside the wall and I don’t want to go fishing, so I crank the faucet down another quarter turn. Leak stops.
Try to lower lights over plant table. Lean forward and table collapses, putting me off balance. I land on table, lights land on me. Stomach has the blade guard of table saw stored under table poking into it, leaving me thankful that guard was in place, saw was not plugged in, and Wife did not choose to eviscerate me by switching on the saw when she came down to lift the lights off me. Damage: mouse on forehead, ripped up shin (“Daddy! You’re really bleeding!”), and assorted gashes and contusions.
Back in the bathroom, there is fresh water all over the floor. Turn off water to toilet and mop floor. A few minutes later, water is back. Mopped and watched. Water was coming from water heater. Storm at the gods because I can’t afford a new water heater, especially one installed by a pro, and you can guess how good I am at plumbing repairs.
Bend down to get closer look and bash eye-first into a pipe. Show kids the inch-long gash in my around-the-house glasses* as part of lesson to always wear safety glasses when you are working around the house. (“What’s the biggest difference between eyeglasses and eyes? You can buy new eyeglasses.”)
Localize leak. First lucky break! (I hope, I pray, knock on wood, etc.) Leak is in threaded drain spout. All I have to do is buy a cap of some sort on my way home from work. Maybe. Judging by my past few days, that might be optimistic.
Do your damnedest. Flame me. You are just people; I have an inanimate object out to kill me. I sneer at mere words.
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- Advantage of age: I wreck frames decades before my prescription changes.
