The average woman has a larger social support circle than the average man. Whether we’re talking single people, married people, gay, straight, old, young, whatever. On average women have larger and more supportive social circles. We could bicker about why, and whether that’s nature, nurture, the larger society, or whatever. Not important here. And yes, averages conceal extremes; there are outlyers of both sexes at both ends of the curve. But I think most of us can accept that this is true.
Now let’s bring that info into single parenting in general. To the degree a single parent needs to have needs, (and some measure of wants) met for adult company and commiseration and emotional support, the average woman is going to be better set up for that than the average man.
Which suggests to me that women eyeballing this thread’s hypothetical will underestimate the degree of support a generic single parent man might need / want to seek. And conversely a man eyeballing this thread’s hypothetical will over-underestimate the degree of support a generic single parent woman might need / want to seek.
I haven’t endorsed that attitude at all. I said staying single doesn’t have to mean you’re obsessed with your kid or putting the emotional burden on them.
I’ve never said it’s wrong to be in a new relationship if you have a young kid; I said I don’t think I’d have the time or emotional energy to go looking for one.
And you know what? Parents’ happiness matters too. I don’t advocate sacrificing your whole life for your children, and I’ve consistently been against helicopter parenting. But I think it’s bullshit to justify dating by saying it’s better for the children, when my experience has been that it often isn’t, and the parents do it anyway.
Strong disagree. Luxuries are not needs for either of us but my indulging myself with, say a new bike, has nothing to do with my buying or not buying my child the newest best PlayStation. They are separate decisions. The idea that I should go without my new bike so my child should have a luxury? Not in my house.
In the hierarchy, I place adult companionship on a pretty high level. Up there with healthy tasty food and my getting a chance to exercise. Things that I will survive without but that I enjoy and that keep me functioning better now and for the long term. None of them need take away from anything hypothetical me as a single dad with a preschooler has to give to my child.
I haven’t read any of the comments. But as a father of three (now adult) children, I’m going to my child’s pre K graduation. Yea, he/she may not remember it. But I will.
Yes. And kid “luxuries” - for a preschooler maybe a the top end Disney theme crap? - not in the same scale. Buying or not buying the kid luxury was not enough to allow or not allow the spoiling yourself.
I keep restrained from buying many luxuries for myself because they are a lot of money. Even if I can comfortably afford it I have a hard time justifying it. And my kids didn’t get expensive crap they didn’t need just because they wanted some luxury. That’s not how I raised them.
By definition luxuries are way down on the hierarchy list.
This gets afield. Of course we are all willing to sacrifice for the sake of our children. Putting money in the higher education funds and paying for college and beyond was done instead of the bigger vacation or a more expensive car. I would be willing to sacrifice loads to maintain family sit down dinner time, reading to my kids as part of bedtime, being there for meaningful events (which I do not consider pre K “graduation” to be a highly placed one ), and would drop everything (have) if my child was in crisis. And some sacrifices are big asks that are worth it if they are needed but not for say, a 16 year old having plans cancelled and not wanting to be home by herself.
In terms of dating - accept the fact that available emotional bandwidth is/was not overwhelmed by the demands of preschooler parenting for many of us, and that the desire for meaningful adult relationship, including romantic ones, is/was quite significant for some of us.
Your call for you is that a preschooler demands all the bandwidth you have available and that the desire for adult contact is not high in your hierarchy. Of course you are entitled to make that call for yourself.
But maybe grant that others can justifiably make other calls for themselves.
In addition, a lot of child development is modeling behavior. So demonstrating healthy adult interpersonal relationships (as opposed to eschewing that type of the thing as a mere luxury) can also have a direct tangible benefit on the child’s wellbeing.
Probably due to your responding to the subject with jumps to how horrible you think most step parents are? Sort of a quick step of “first comes love but then comes marriage and then step parent setting fire to the baby carriage”.
And your emphasis on how you
Of course no one has argued it is necessary. Some of us have argued that it is not necessarily selfish, not just
very convenient to conclude that what makes us happier will also make our children happier
but for some of us, maybe many of us, would definitely be true if it was or had been our circumstance. The absolutist position is @Babale’s characterizing dating as a single parent of a preschooler is neglecting your child’s needs and depriving them of your emotional bandwidth. Just to have a side piece and to get laid. Or as another poster put it, being “a cad”.
For purposes of the question, I think we need to assume that the woman would like for him to attend. Otherwise, there’s no question to be asked if the girlfriend doesn’t care or thinks he should do the pre-K thing.
My thought was he hadn’t told his GF about his kid yet, and probably isn’t planning to anytime soon. He pays child support and has limited custody arrangement?
Any SO worth pursuing would graciously insist that their partners family obligations come first in this instance, maybe every instance while the kids are young. Chances are they’ll hve plenty of time to hang out as a couple without fear of missing out on family time.
Funny or not, if it was a mom who was dating a BF she would not be in this dilemma of having to choose between attending her young child’s graduation or her BF’s graduation. We all know Mom would choose her kid first.
), and would drop everything (have) if my child was in crisis. And some sacrifices are big asks that are worth it if they are needed but not for say, a 16 year old having plans cancelled and not wanting to be home by herself.