My first pit thread was about waiters. Then I did Oliver Stone. Now I’m doing God. I’m working my way up, and maybe next time I’ll do doctors.
God, could you step into the pit for a minute?
Thank You.
I’ve got to say I’m upset with the lazy way you’ve been running things. If I goofed off on the job as much as you, I’d be shitcanned in a minute. There are people starving. People dying of horrible diseases. People tormented for who they are, where they are, and for no discernible reason at all.
And what are you doing? Well, last I heard you had sent us a talking fish. A worker in a New York deli was “about to kill a carp to be made into gefilte fish in the city’s New Square Fish Market in January when it began shouting in Hebrew” with a message of repentance.
Great, God, just great. What the hell were you thinking? You have a strange fish showing up in New York City, and it doesn’t speak English. Don’t you know the effect this kind of stuff has on John Rocker? Plus, they still went ahead and carved up the carp for gefilte fish. “Take of this and eat it,” indeed. You had me waiting on pins and needles for the fish to resurface three days later. I thought maybe this was going to turn into a real-life sequel to “Dagon.”
And while drought, famine, disease and war are tormenting humanity, what are You doing? Well, you’re giving us pictures of the Virgin Mary on skyscrapers and refrigerators and pictures of Jesus on tacos. Or big giant crosses in the snow. Or faces in clouds.
What part of “cure disease” don’t you understand, hmm?
Now that I think about it, I think I finally understand You. You’re like graphic artist. You know how you go to a graphic artist and say, “We need a pie chart showing the current deficit.” And the graphic artist says, “Does it have to be a chart? We could lift an image from “Giovanni Arnolfini and his Wife” and turn them into kayakers going over a waterfall made out of thousand-dollar bills.” Or you say, “we just need a simple chart diagramming how a bill goes through a committee.” The graphic artist wants to create a cartoon character, called “Billy” or some shit like that, give him sunglasses and attitude and have him wheel through the capital on rollerblades.
In other words, God, we’re asking you for substance, and you keep drawing us Virgin Mary made out of cream cheese.
In brief: God, You can kiss my Left Behind.
Jesus, I hope you don’t have any children.
Oops, too late. But if it’s any consolation, he didn’t treat his child any better-in the end he just left the poor kid hanging.
So Satisfying Andy Licious, your post assumes that God, if you actually believe in him, is involved in this world. On what basis do you make that assumption?
Czarcasm, you just made my day.
I don’t recall God ever saying he was goign to take care of the problems. maybe you had Him sign a contract or something, but I never got the memo.
Czar, you make a telling point. Except that we have eyewitness testimony (admittedly by hearsay) that it didn’t end there. And in the fact that what you say is true, but not the whole story, can be found the answer to the OP’s question.
Andy, from what I read, He didn’t just pull up stakes with no forwarding address – He made arrangements to handle the problems you identify – and they are big ones, no doubt about that.
Essentially, He commissioned the folks who would listen to Him to do the job. He left detailed instructions about what to do and how to do it. And He promised all the help we need, if we bother tapping into it.
The problem is, a lot of people want to set up the instruction manual as some sort of leatherbound God in itself. Others want to preserve it in the antique books collection. Still others are too busy analyzing the minutiae of who wrote what when to pay attention to the message that was written.
In reaction to the first group, a lot of people say that it is obviously not what they try to make of it, so it must be absolutely no value at all.
And far, far too many of the people who do pay attention to it seem to find license somewhere in it to tell others how they need to live their lives, rather than taking it as a guide to how to live one’s own, and in contradiction to the explicit instructions on how to deal with others that it contains.
That leaves a pretty small group to function as caretakers.
There’s an old adage: “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.”
Those of us who are trying to deal with the issues raised in your OP in His behalf could use a little help. What say you? 
Me, too, Czarcasm. You really nailed that one.
Is God now in the running for the Pit thread race? I pitted God a while ago, also. Shouldn’t someone tell him? Oh wait, he knows everything - of course he knows!
Oh, and Polycarp - excellent post. Erudite as always.
If God is not involved in this world, then where do the voices in my head come from?
How come I have to hear about this 3 weeks later and from a British news site? Are NYC reporters that off their game?
He’ll solve the problem when you don’t expect it.
Therefore, if you expect it, he won’t.
And that is a problem because heaven would be pretty shitty.
You think those voices come from God? You are so conceited. 
[Homer Simpson]Lousy God! I hate him so much! Soooo muuuuch![/Homer Simpson]
Well, at least he answers prayers…
God does vanity searches?
YES. But very few ever summon me by my board name, so I stopped doing them on a daily basis.
Not only that, but God knew you were gonna post it before you did. Oh, wait, then you don’t have free will if he knew ahead of time. :dubious:
How can God do a vanity search since his name only has three letters? Or is it because he’s God he can do things like that?
Well, he could search Yahweh or Allah.