Can’t you get your ex-husband and children together and explain to them why it is a bad idea to respond to Granny every time she says “jump”? If you were all in agreement, she couldn’t manipulate you as easily.
Agreed.
It sounds like she bugs the crap out of you but do you think maybe she invents these emergencies because she wants to see you? Maybe not as a control issue but as a way to stay connected?
We used to be close. Well let me rephrase that. She used to control me so much I thought we were close. I thought we always had more of a friendship, than a mother daughter relationship. In reality she was controlling my life.
If it was up to her we would speak everyday for hours on end. If not everyday then several times a week. Not only does she want to know all of my business she wants to give me advice on all of my business and expects me to follow all of her advice. If and when I don’t agree then I get attitude as though her opinion on the matter is the only one and the advice is so true there is no other to follow.
I would also be expected to listen to her drum on for hours about her web site, her friends, her problems, her TV shows, her dog, her cat, her blah blah blah and I am not to give any advice or comment. I am only a sounding board.
It is not like I would not like to have a mom I could share my life and go to her with problems and seek advice but she snowballs them into her issue. I could have solved the problem already but she will continue to discuss it and bring it up over and over again. Before I know it she is so much intertwined into my life you can not see the cut of point.
I am 39 years old with my own life and family. I refuse to get sucked into that again. For that reason I keep my distance. I have to for my own sanity. If I give her one inch she takes it as a way back in to my life. Even though we have had many discussions, arguments and she knows how much I resent her she still wants to be “friends”, I do not.
So yes I am stuck with the shitty chores associated with her.
At this point I don’t think a rewarding relationship could form for anyone other than her. I love my mom and in many ways she is an amazing person. The problem is the line between friend and daughter. She is great at both but she can not see that line when it comes to our relationship. She gives of herself as a friend but then uses her control as a mother.
I do what I do for her because she is my mother and that reason only.
I have not looked into home health care because of the condition of her place. I actually got some information not long ago from a lady at work. Her mother gets a lady to come in twice a week to help her clean and take her on errands. I have been starting to research what sort of help I can get her that would be covered since she is on disability. I can not afford to pay for a service.
At this point I don’t even know if she would let someone in her home. She does not like strangers in her apartment. She is leery of everyone other than family.
Yes she smokes that much. I bought her four packs and yesterday I bought her a carton. She may be hoarding them and getting down to a single carton from her internet order may cause so much stress she has to make sure she has more. That seems to be her MO when it comes to a lot of things. She could have a 24 pack of TP but she will have another 24 pack on her list. Same with food. She could have 10 cans of soup but there is 6 cans on her list. So I can only assume she does the same with cigarettes.
I know not buying her smokes won’t kill her nor will cooking during the day.
Again I don’t normally buy her cigs. I went through that several years ago. I told her then it was becoming a burden to get her smokes every other day. That is when she starting ordering them online. They are late this week which is of course not my fault but I have gotten now two emails and both included “HELP I NEED SMOKES!!!” She claims she is working on some project that caused her to smoke more (read: burn up in the ashtray while on the computer) so she ran out before she normally does.
The light bulb problem is that she does not have a normal schedule or any schedule at all. She can be awake at 2am and sleeping at noon. There are times she does not know what day it is because her schedule is so screwed.
You are right of course that I should not be protecting others from her request or demands. That is not my responsibility. They have the right to help or to refuse. To be honest the help they do give I think is more because of me than her so I guess that is why I feel responsible.
My ex does it because he still loves me. He did not want the divorce, I did, so helping my mother in anyway is his way to stay connected. My son and daughter do it because not only is that their grandmother but because I am their mother. I think that them telling her no would be like telling me no. My daughter is still a minor and my son has not been out of the nest long enough for either to feel they have that right.
It just dawned on me that I have set a bad example for them. I have not done them any favors by jumping to my mothers “emergencies”. Not that I request much from my kids but I guess they would feel the guilt, as I do, if I did ask and they did not help.
As I already stated I plan on doing this. I just have to come up with a way to propose it with out anger. When I deal with her in anyway other than in short bursts I have a hard time not just going off on her. Of course she does not seem to understand in any way why I am so pissed off even though I expressed my feelings in the past.
As mischievous pointed out to me it is really not my responsibility to protect them. My daughter yes. She is a minor and still lives with me so I do have the responsibility to not have my mother be a burden to her in anyway.
If I can come up with a once a week plan then that situation should take care of itself.
You are right. She bugs the crap out of me.
I don’t think she invents emergencies. I think she just procrastinates until it is a problem that needs handled now.
There is no doubt in my mind that she want to be connected to me but as I stated above that is not possible at least for me. Her idea of “connection” masks itself as control.
The one thing she has failed to learn is people are going to what they want and what they feel is right for them. They may be wrong and make the wrong choices but that is a part of life.
This is a lesson I have learned. We can all listen and give advice but if a family member or friend does not follow it that is not a bad reflection on me or them.
People are going to what they are going to do. There is not anything I can do as a person to change that and I should not attempt to do so. That is not my right or anyone’s right.
My mother does not share that. She thinks that she should give advice and you should follow it. Even if you make a different choice and it works to be the best decision she will still remind you of how she would have done it. If she gives advice and you ignore it you get an eye roll and a “whatever”. You are obviously not listening to her great knowledge.
Not only does she try to control my life but that of my children. If my son is not doing something he is “suppose” to in her mind then she will call and go into an hour long discussion on what he should be doing. I may even agree but he is nineteen. It is not for me to say any longer. If he comes to me for help that is one thing and if I give him help and advice, fine, but if he does not follow it, he does not follow it, discussion over. Not for her. It must be rehashed over and over again wanting me or him to bend to what she feels is right.
That is why I keep my distance. A phone call from her makes me cringe. An email gets scanned for what she really wants. My answers to both are always brief and I am always in the middle of something when she calls.
Well I rambled on quite a bit there.
Again I have gotten some great advice. It has made me see things clearer. I felt I was on the verge of another blow up with her and I need to breathe and come up with a plan to get things back on track. A way to get her what she needs without me feeling the pressing burden of helping her.
I’m not suggesting you have a responsibility to protect your ex. But it clearly bothers you if she calls him instead and you have indicated that this is one way she manipulates you, that you do things for her so she won’t call him (or your daughter). It benefits you to eliminate the means of manipulation.
Although I will say that your many statements indicate that you do seem to feel some responsibility to make sure that she doesn’t pass the problem on to your ex. Which I have actually felt was a little silly, given that he is an independent adult.
I wasn’t suggesting that you, at this late date, should suddenly form an intimate and loving relationship with your mother. Some people are toxic. What I was suggesting is that you should EITHER have a mutually loving and respectful relationship with her and run her errands as one would do any other favor for a loved one, OR maintain your distance and let the running of errands part be taken care of by professionals. Seriously, if she’s home-bound and on disability, there are probably services that can take care of her. Also, they probably deal with hoarders routinely (it’s pretty common) - ask them how they arrange to enter other houses.
Wow. So normally your mother guilt-trips you into being at her beck and call, but if you resist, she guilt-trips you by imposing herself on someone else (your ex) and making it your fault, because obviously he wouldn’t be involved if he hadn’t been connected to you. In the meantime, your ex guilt-trips you by running errands for your mother to demonstrate how much he still loves you. That is six kinds of fucked up.
Breakthrough! One of the places people learn to set boundaries and not be manipulated is by watching their parents. Your parents clearly gave you poor examples, so it’s hardly surprising you’re having a bit of trouble demonstrating for your kids. It’s okay, it’s never too late for them (or you) to learn - and you’re already light years ahead of your mother.
Okay maybe I was not really clear about how it works or has in the past.
My mother would call me to put in a light bulb which of course has been burnt out for two days. I ask her why she did not call me two days ago. She goes on to talk about some project so she really did not need it for two days but it is the weekend now and she wanted to “clean” her kitchen. I tell her I can’t right now but I am going out tomorrow so I will stop by.
Later in the day I get a call from my ex. He makes small talk and then mentions he stopped at Mommas. She called him to see if he was out and about and he was so she asked him if he could stop on his way home and replace a light bulb. Of course he is so proud of himself for doing it and stayed awhile after to visit with her. He does not seem to care about the condition/smell of her place. He can be quite the slob himself. He then reminds me that he is always there for her and for me.
I then get a call from my mother stating that Jim changed the lightbulb. She states she called and he happened to be out so he changed it. I can tell by her tone of voice that she is so happy that he was at least available to help her. She is so happy she now has light you would think that god himself turned them on for her.
At this point I have had to talk with my ex, which I try to avoid doing. I have had my mother point out that at least HE could help but I think well at least I can avoid a trip over there tomorrow. Oh wait since you are going out anyway can you pick up blah blah blah.
So I am left feeling pissed at my mom for not calling me when the fucking bulb burnt out, I am pissed at her for calling my ex, I am pissed my ex called to tell me that he helped my mom and reminding me how he is always there for us. The pride he expresses in himself would be in the ranks of saving a small child from a sure death.
And to top it all off now she wants something from the store.
I drop off the groceries the next day and as I glance around I am wondering what got cleaned as it looks the same as it did the last time. She notices my glances and makes a comment that she never got to clean yesterday because my ex stayed so long chatting with her that by the time he left she was tired and had to take a nap.
I think you can see my frustration now.
And you know I rarely ask anything of my kids. When they were younger they had chores and such but that was for their benefit as much as it was to help me maintain a household.
My father was from the woman waits on a man generation. But when my mother could not it was left for the kids (mostly me) to do it rather than her telling him to get off his ass and get his own coffee.
My mothers famous last words are “since you are going there anyway can you get me something” instead of getting up and getting it herself.
So I was raised with the “get your parents what they ask for when they ask for it” attitude.
I did not raise my kids that way. My mother is the last example of that type of thinking. It is hard sometimes to see the line between helping an elderly parent or grandparent, which I feel we should, and being taken advantage of by that person.