Godammit, get off my fuckin' bumper!!

The BBQ Pit
1

So I moved out to the farm a couple of weeks ago and my previous 5-minute commute has morphed into a 30 minute commute. No big deal; I used to live in DC and on Oahu, both of which were 1 1/2 to 2 hour commutes - 30 minutes is a breeze.

Those DC and HI commutes were on freeways. Four or six or eight lane highways, where you had to pay attention to what you were doing. Despite that, it was still possible for me to cruise along in the middle lane at a fairly steady 40 MPH (depending on time of day), zone out to NPR and pretty much mind my own business. So you’d think that moving out to the sticks would make my commute a little easier, right?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Golden Spike Road funnels all traffic from north central Benton County into St. Cloud. It’s a well-maintained, heavily (in rural terms) travelled two-lane highway, with a few curves and hills but with good long stretches of straightaways. Its speed limit is 55 m.p.h., and I keep my speedometer around 60ish, +/- 2 or 3 m.p.h.

Today is Thursday. For the past four mornings, some nimrod has decided that, despite the county using the road’s occasional hills and curves as a speed trap, that 60 m.p.h. is WAY too slow. And said nimrods have chosen to commincate their opinions to me by riding my ass so close I can’t see their license plate. EACH AND EVERY MORNING, these thoughts go through my mind:

[ul]1) You are riding my ass. If I brake for a deer, pheasant, dog, or racoon, the front end of your F-150 is going to plow through the rear of my crappy 1987 Death-Mobile and kill me.
[list]A. Woo! I have great insurance!!!
B. Bummer. I’ll be dead.[/ul]2) Why the FUCK did you not leave 5 minutes earlier??
3) What makes you think that your brakes work better than mine?
4) What can I do to really piss you off?[/list]So.

I let off the gas and coast til that cute little needle is hovering around 45.

I’ve been putting up with this rather stoically, but tonight something happened that really pissed me off. You see, the house I have moved to is on a hill. This means you cannot see what is on the other side - remember the ‘hill’ thing? Despite travelling at about 60 m.p.h. and the 3/4 mile long straightaway approaching the hill a nimrod decided to ride my ass for a mile. S/he then got CLOSER as I put on my blinker 1/4 mile away. Edged up a bit more as I slowed down - cars do that going uphill, ya know. By the time I was rolling to a stop to make my left s/he must have been thoroughly pissed off, because the nimrod decided that passing me on a hill was a HECK of a plan. Not the first time this has happened, but the first time this has happened to me. Coulda killed someone. :mad:

Does slowing down to piss off the nimrods make my life happier? YES.

Does it piss off the nimrod? YES.

Does this little rant accomplish anything? NO.

Does this little rant make me feel a fuck of a lot better? Omigawd, YES!

Thanks for humoring me.

2

Ahhh, yes. Slowing down to piss off the people. Good times, good times.

I used to frequently travel one of the crappiest, hilliest, curviest rural highways ever. Highway 52 North of Dubuque, IA, for the knowing. There are hicks like you wouldn’t believe in giant, loud pickups who reeeeeeeeeaally like to ride my ass (which is already going 60, even though the whole highway is 50). So, of course, I sloooooow down to about 45 and after they realize intimidation will not work, they speed around me and honk and flip me off and various other things. Iowa’s main problem is the hicks.

3

I HATE people who tailgate! My parents live near the bottom of a hill that ends in an S-curve then a stop sign. (I still recall the sounds of cars screeching around the bend, late at nite!) When I go to visit, I always abide the speed limit of 20 mph around the curve, BUT there is always a jackass that is in a hurry and tailgates me.

Yanno what I do? I make left hand turn s-l-o-w-l-y. Sometimes they honk and rant n’ rave, but I just smile and wave. They screech past me even before I finish my turn. Ya think after 20+ years of all that speeding, the city would put up speed bumps instead of just a speed limit sign!

Many a car has sped way too fast around the curve and slammed into my parent’s neighbor’s fence at on the last bend of the s-curve. They live 2 blocks away from a high school. Need I say more???

(Yes, I do… 16 is too young to be driving! I didn’t apply for a license until 18!)

4

GAWD I hate tailgaters… and assholes… but I repeat myself.

As a younger man, I was a salesman. Being a salesman, I was forced to associate with salesmen. The only good thing that came of this was my association with a man I will call “Bob” (real name: Dan) with whom I stayed out late after a sales meeting one night.

Driving back to his house (I was too drunk to drive OR go back to the wife,) we were being tailgated. In a rural area, “Bob” (real name: Dan) slowed his car and finally pulled it across both lanes of traffic so that the tailgater could not pass. We both got out of the car and approached the tailgater. Turns out, said tailgater spoke no English. To make his point, “Bob” (real name concealed for liability purposes) reached into the offender’s car, removed the keys from the ignition, and hurled then into the adjacent field.

I swear I am not making this up.

We then proceeded to “Bob’s” house, where he instructed his wife to call the police about the “Messicans” parked in the middle of the road.

It was rude, it was crude, but it was the right thing to do.

5

Does this little rant illustrate that YOU ARE NOT ALONE? Yes!

That is EXACTLY what I do to tailgaters. “Oh, my, look, I’m breaking the speed limit. I’ll just slow right down here and be a nice law-abiding citizen.”

Particularly important when you live in a comparative negligence state (such as Minnesota)…

6

I’ll tell you my favorite trick. We all know that tapping the brakes is dangerous and not the way to deal with these assholes. But what about the brake lights? If a tailgater really pisses me off, sometimes I will turn on my hazards for a second. Brake lights come on. Instantly they are 50 feet back. Evil, but oh so satisfying.

7

The reason MNDOT is ignoring your road is because they’re too busy ignoring the eastbound 494 clusterfuck.

I’m so glad I live in Texas. Wait. I have no room to talk. ALL of downtown Houston is torn up because they’re installing a light-rail system.

Carry on.

Robin

8

A bunch of Minnesotans on a thread about poor road manners, why am I suprised. :wink:

Anyway, just wanted to add my two cents. Though I am occasionally guilty of using my F-150 (I swear I don’t drive near St. Cloud) as a persuader. Usually only in dire emergencies (the person ahead obviously failed to notice the increase in the speed limit). I try to be as conscientious as possible. I do get a kick out of it when some micro mobile tailgates me (is that supposed to be intimidating?).

Main reason I butted in was to urge you not to further irritate these drivers. I understand the good feeling it gives you to slow down on them, but please don’t help encourage them to make risky maneuvers on the highway. More than once I have been nearly run off the road while on my motorcycle by a driver exasperatedly changing lanes.

Also absolutely under no circumstances stomp on the brakes, don’t even do as Beeblebrox suggests if it may cause the following car to slow suddenly. While that may pose no danger to you, I was very nearly the victim of this routine while on my motorcycle when the car coming up behind me failed to notice that we were slowing.

9

Yeah, you’re right, Hibbins (just not much fun). In my defense I DID say it was evil.

(//insert stick in mud//)We shouldn’t play around on the roads. There are too many bad drivers on the roads as it is. No need to answer a bad deed with another.(//remove stick from mud//)

The tailgaters will get their comeuppance anyway. Just yesterday on I-75/I-85 in Atlanta 4 drivers right in front of me all hit each other in a rush hour that was moving at 10 miles an hour. Idiots. It wouldn’t have happened if they weren’t tailgating. There is just no need to add to that.

10

Well driving myself and being in a vehicle with others, we had our share of those stupid assholes trying to pass us even when we were going over the limit on a double-yellow line highway on a hill, etc.

The speed limit was 40mph, we were doing 45-50 - had a bumper rider and they wanted to go faster so passed us in no passing zone (no we didn’t slow down) going 65+ nearly hitting car in other lane, etc. just to get one car length ahead. I also hate the stupid peds (Death Race 2000), stupid city speeders and tailgaters, and stupid assholes who want to fuck with you even if you are going over the speed limit and pass in unsafe no passing zones.

11

Tailgaters. I hate 'em. I force them to pass. Then I pass them. Then I force them to pass. Then I pass them. And I force them to pass again. And I pass them again. After a while, if you do it right, they’ll be passing you JUST when there HAPPENS to be a cop. Sweet justice when they get pulled over.

The road is not a playground, m’kay?

12

Hey chique, don’t expect any help from Benton County’s finest, they are too busy staking out strip clubs to pay any attention to tailgaters.

13

FarmerOak, this story is completely incredible, in the literal sense of the word “incredible.” It simply did not happen.

14

“Nobody wins when you play games with traffic safety.”

That said,

should be the sign they put up along the highway when you enter the state.

-Myron

15

Maybe it has something to do with where you are in Iowa.

I lived on the Southeast side of Iowa near Burlington for a short while (month and a half).

I LOVED IT! My drive to work was totally stress-free.

All Iowa drivers I came across did the speed limit or faster. You can’t imagine how happy this made me! :smiley: The Missouri drivers were the ones who would slow everything down! :wink:

One part of my drive included a hill on a curve. Every morning, I’d get behind the school bus. It amazes me still, but the bus would pull over at the top of the hill and LET EVERYONE BY!!!

The only thing that happened that would totally unnerve me was the habit of the locals to drive in the left lane for a bit when before making left hand turns.

16

Ah, tailgaters. My brother is one, and it used to annoy me to no end when I rode with him.

I can understand getting a little close for a few seconds when you intend to pass, and in some cities there’s little choice, but beyond that… grrr…

For example, the truck who insisted on sticking right behind me Thursday night through a construction zone. (“Look, moron, there’s nowhere to go! You can’t pass! Even if I do go faster, there’s a car an eighth of a mile ahead of me going about the same speed…”)

Seeing as how it was a pretty long stretch of construction, I tried to give him a hint. I slowed to five under long enough to make him let off the gas. The I accelerated to five over, creating a small cushion of distance. He closed the distance anyway. I tried again. No luck.

“Fine. Be that way.”

So I constantly varied my speed between the limit and 5 under for the roughly 10 miles of mostly 40 mph construction. At least I kept the sucker awake…

Worse yet was the moron who was attempting to pass a string of vehicles (including myself) following two large trucks hauling heavy machinery. After tailgating me out of town, he passed half of the cars and then forced some poor guy to slow down so he wouldn’t run into oncoming traffic. And after that cleared, he passed the remaining vehicles, undoubtedly forcing the oncoming motorcyclist to slow down.

Twenty seconds later, both trucks turned off the main road.

On the other hand, a pox on the lady crawling down the main drag of my city under construction during lunch hour at literally 3 miles per hour. No emergency flashers, car looked like it was running fine as she went by a number of places where she could pull off. I mean if you’re that lost, then stop and ask for directions already!

17

So I just recently got a '98 Huundai… manual transmition. I’ve not had a ton of experience with stick-shifts before, but I’m doing all right. I cannot stand being stopped on a hill and a person pulls up so close to me that I can no longer see their front bumper in my mirror. Then, if the wait is long enough, I can see them ever… so… slowly… inch their way even closer. All this accomplishes is that now I am panicking and oh so nervous that I will roll back and bump their car, thus pissing them off through no real fault of my own. The light turns green, and in one brief moment of terror I try to rocket forward… and stall. Argh!!! Now they have to wait the added 5 seconds for me to stall, restart the car, and get into gear all over again. Why do people have to leave a maximum of 5 inches between vehicles at a stop light??? Five inches closer to work, that’s all it gets 'em.

18

What’s wrong with tailgaiting? I love to get a bit sloppy and have a few meat products before the big game. GO UTES!!! And if on my way home I have to nearly KILL you in an act of vehicular homicide to get home even a millisecond faster, so be it. You can complain all you want, and engage in any “I’ll show YOU!!” ploys you want, but pissing off an already edgy driver is no bueno. You could get seriously shot or worse. Obey the traffic laws as you see fit, but fucking relax! If you are going to get killed in your car, there isn’t anything you can do about it, it’s your destiny!!! And for Godsakes, never make eye contact!!