Goddamn it, how do I know you're not dead if you don't call?

The BBQ Pit
141

Heh. I’ve been called worse. :wink:

And you’d be getting the door. Simple as that. Life’s too short to spend my time worrying about some shmuck who’s too inconsiderate to understand that if (a) he tells me at 1 in the morning that he’ll be home soon and (b) he doesn’t come home for 3 hours, he owes me both an explanation and an apology. And then instead of copping to at best thoughtless drunk behavior, he goes on the offensive and accuses me of putting him on a leash? Fuck that.

But of course the entire scenario would never happen because I’m certain a guy who was that inconsiderate and/or passive aggressive would not be a good fit for me in the first place. Lord knows I’m not perfect, but I try to be respectful and considerate in my relationships and I expect the other party to try to be the same. And I prefer direct aggression to passive aggression, which I find weaselly and exasperating.

142

I have a fiance who is very bad about answering his phone, regardless of who is calling, and doesn’t know nor is interested in learning how to check his voicemail. He is also chronically late in every aspect of his life. He used to do what the OP’s BF does, which is say, “Oh, I’ll be there soon,” and then not show up for hours and not answer his phone.

We don’t have this problem anymore. How did we manage it?

I want him to be honest about when he’s arriving. Truly, I just want to know when to expect him so I can plan accordingly. I won’t freak out if he says not to wait up, or that he needs 5 more hours. That was his baggage from his ex, who was very demanding of his time and would brook no 5 hour delays or skipping a night over. It does become a passive-aggressive avoidance thing, saying “soon” to put off an argument about when. Easier to ask forgiveness than permission is a true thing. Now, he knows that he can and SHOULD assess the situation and give as accurate ETA as possible so I won’t worry or wait for him. I, in turn, don’t give him shit about his schedule as long as he keeps whatever pre-set appointments we made in advance.

I’m not making any assumptions about the nature of the OP’s relationship with her BF. I do think this is a very common man/woman issue, though. The man saying “I’ll be home soon” thing when he has no real intention of being there soon is often a passive-aggressive way to avoid an argument about when he’s going to get there. Hell, maybe not even an argument, maybe just whining or a guilt trip is what he wants to avoid. This might seem relatively innocuous to the woman doing it, “Oh, but I was looking forward to falling asleep with you!” or "What? You’re not coming over tonight… Oh. Fine. No, that’s FINE. Really. :dubious: " I wonder how many of these kinds of things could be avoided if there were a reward for being honest, ie., if people were truly satisfied with the real answer when they got it and left it at that.

NOTE: This is NOT a justification for the man who is being a weasel by not being honest. I don’t think there is a “right” party in this, just two people at cross purposes. From my experience, now that I’m with someone I trust, I don’t mind or get upset when he arrives a little later than expected if we don’t have any plans, or if he doesn’t answer his phone (he also doesn’t mind if I call a few times if he misses a call, since I can’t leave a message). Consequently, he actually WANTS to answer the phone when it’s me, come over on time, and hang out with me as much as I do him. There is no power struggle over his time allocation. In previous relationships, it did bother me and was sometimes a point of contention. Maybe that’s why I’m marrying this one, eh?

143

[nitpick]What is it with the added 'l’s these days? Now I see ‘jealousLy’ and ‘clingLy’ all the time. Why?[/nitpick]

144

Uh, it was a typo. Sorry.

145

No dog in this fight, just fuck, Muffin, that rowing story cracked me the hell up. A shiner and a limp…hehehehehehe…snerk…

146

You didn’t say worried. You said it was reasonable to be “ticked,” which means angry.

Effectively, you are saying it is understandable to be angry at someone who fails to meet a commitment once, but not at someone who does it regularly.

Nice rolleye bookends, by the way.

147

Timing couldn’t have been more perfect for what happened to me last night. My fiancee went to an all day wine tasting with some friends. I didn’t go because I’ve had a stomach bug and wine would’ve made me really sick and ruin the fun for everyone. He called me around 3, told me how much fun he was having and what bottles he bought me.

Anyhoo, the tasting was from 12-5. 6 o’clock rolls around, 7, 8, 9. I figured he probably just went out to dinner with his buddies in the city, since he was going to the tasting with them. At about 9:30 though, I gave him a ring, just to see what the deal was, if he was heading home soon or was going to stay out and party. It’s unlike him not to call at some point in the evening, especially if it’s going to be an all-nighter. He didn’t answer. I left one message (even though I know he never checks his messages) and sat on my hands for the rest of the night (didn’t want to seem clingy!)

I went to bed around 10:30 telling myself “it’s okay, I’m sure he’s just with friends…sure the event ended 6 1/2 hours ago but I’m sure he’s still with friends…” Around 11:30 he calls, drunk as a skunk. As I figured, he hadn’t even known I’d called, he’d left his phone in his car. He obviously can’t drive and is staying over with his friends.

No problem! I was just thrilled he actually called (see, the whole yelling thing paid off.) I was able to go to sleep (before that, I wasn’t able to) and all was well. Now, if he hadn’t called, I’d be pissed as hell and yes, he’d have gotten shit for it this morning because I wouldn’t have been able to sleep not knowing where he was and if he was okay. I’m a little annoyed that he waited until 11:30 to call when he knew I knew the event ended at FIVE, but knowing he’s probably got a hell of a hangover today is enough to satisfy me for that one.

So, was I being a harpy by being annoyed? Was I being clingy for daring to call him at some point in the evening to check in? Inquiring minds want to know…

148

And he just called me, yes, he was a terrible hangover. :smiley:

149

I had a similar situation happen to me once, sort of. My husband had gone out with some friends from church-a group of guys getting together after some event (I can’t remember the event). They went to a local bar. This was before cell phones. I was at home with 2 very small kids.

I had to call the bar (never done that before or since) and get him home. When I placed the call to the bartender, she took it in stride and she asked me to describe what he was wearing and who he was with. I could hear her yelling, “Is there a G*** here?”

I wanted to die from embarassment, because I knew that the other guys in the bar were most likely thinking “pussy whipped”.

He came to the phone and I spoke to him, He said he would be right home. He went back to the table and this young guy (from church, mind you) said to my husband, “Those apron strings are pretty tight, eh?”

My husband replied, “My wife’s sister has just died, asshole.”

Most here are weighing in on the degree of worry that is acceptable. But flip the situation–what if something had happened at home and this guy needed to be contacted, NOW? Afterall, he doesn’t know WHY she is calling. Food for thought.

Did the OP over-worry? Maybe. But clear communication is the key. I don’t see her as clingy, nor do I see him as inconsiderate. Perhaps they’re working, like so many of us, toward middle ground.

150

I’m with the OP (well, in theory) on this one. The worry and repeated calling was a little over the top, but excusable based on the whole “over two hours late, awakened in the wee hours” situation. She was a little over the top about it all, but waking suddenly in the night to find the person you expected to be with you not in the house at all is a little jarring and most people aren’t at their best in those circumstances. (I’m also chalking up a lot of the over-the-topness like hospital calls, dead in a ditch, etc to Pit Language: Poetic License For Ranting)

The SO here was at best inconsiderate. If someone is expecting you and you fail to appear for several hours, worry is an appropriate response (not the only appropriate response, but it’s definitely a valid one). If my husband’s out on the town and expected to be home at 2am and I wake at 5 with no sign of him, I’m going to be worried. If I call the cell he’s got with him and get no answer, I’m not going to worry less. This is true even though my particular husband is heinously bad about carrying his phone (or if he has it, answering it).

The being out all night with his buddies doing whatever is perfectly fine with me (and, by the way, it’s not controlling of me to get a vote - he gets a vote about my recreational excursions too - marriage (or committed relationships) are like that). However, if he’s gonna be out all night, letting me know that is important. And if plans change, filling me in on major scheduling changes is also important.

If I ask him about it the next time we speak and get the “I don’t wear a leash” attitude bullshit I’ve heard some posters here espouse, I’m going to be well beyond pissed off. If I weren’t married and an SO did that, he’d get a kind invitation to find himself another girl.

Calling if you’re going to be later than expected is good manners. I have every right to expect to be treated courteously by my SO. A reaction to my insistence on good manners by giving me a bullshit attitude about leashes or pulling passive-aggressive mindreading expectation games makes you the sort of person I don’t want as a friend, let alone a lover. Granted, I rarely call anyone’s cell phone (unless I’m doing the meeting-coordination thing). I’m just not the sort who makes a thousand calls. On that token, I’m not going to assume my boyfriend didn’t pick up the goddamn phone because he wants me to stop being so clingy and controlling, for the love of little green apples. The poster suggesting that interpretation for failure to answer a cell is saying a hell of a lot more about himself than the OP or her SO, but that’s just my own personal opinion and YMMV. I’m going to assume he didn’t pick up because either a) something is wrong with his phone (connection issues, battery death, etc), b) he didn’t hear the phone, or c) something is wrong with him. In the first two cases, I’ll probably call back a time or two if I’m calling for a reason (like “Hey, I expected you here an hour or two ago - what’s up?” for example) to see if one of the two first options have rectified themselves (maybe he’s moved to a spot where he’s got reception now - or this time he’ll hear the silly thing). In the third (which probably won’t occur to me until after I’ve called a time or two and gotten nowhere and he’s now really freaking late), I’ll probably have some low-grade concern until he either shows up or it’s getting really worryingly late (like noon the next day).

According to Long Time Lurker and a few other posters (not counting Carol Stream, because, frankly, I don’t ever count anything she has to say), that makes me some combination of shrewish, controlling and clingy. Eh, if they want to think so, so be it. I don’t need the kind of aggravation their attitude causes :slight_smile:

151

Good point. For all he knew. I could have been in the hospital. My car could have broken down in the middle of nowhere (although I do have AAA.) My dad could have died. But he honestly wasn’t ignoring my phone calls.

Although, totally not related to the night in question, after reading this thread he did say, “Well, you do call a lot. You should call less.” “Why didn’t you say anything?” “I just did!”

So, men aren’t so good at communication. I’ll call less. Unless it’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m worried about him, and then I’ll call as much as I feel necessary.

152

I’ve been lurking around this thread for a while. I’m glad you sorted everything out. For what it’s worth, I would’ve been worried, too. Probably wouldn’t have called as much (especially knowing my husband, who frequently loses track of time), but I definitely would have called. Especially that late at night.

As an aside, when my husband and I were still dating (basically living together, but I still hadn’t given up my apartment), we made plans to go out together in the evening. We talked about 1 p.m. and he said he’d call around 6 and we’d get together around 8. Well, I waited and waited and waited. And waited. When he called the next day, I was absolutely livid. He had fallen asleep and was too embarrassed to call after he woke up at 9 p.m. This was almost a deal breaker for me, not because I thought he had died in a ditch or because I thought he was having fun without me, but because he didn’t do what he said he would when he said he would do it.

Based on some of the responses in this thread, I’m sure I may appear overly clingy and smothering, but, dammit, when you say you’re going to do something, you should do it. I wouldn’t have cared if he slept all day and night or had gone to a strip club, as long as I wasn’t expecting him to call or show up. However, since we had made plans, I was sitting around waiting for him when I could’ve been doing something else like going out with my friends or just not feeling like an ass. It’s the principle of the thing that got me so mad.

Of course, since we’ve been together for almost 9 years, I’ve gotten used to that particular part of his personality. So when he says he’ll be home by X time, I automatically adjust it an hour later in my head, and I don’t call until it’s two hours after he said he’d be home.

Still, it’s annoying and frustrating sometimes that I have to do that. I’m usually on time getting home or calling plus or minus 15 minutes - it’d be nice if he could do the same.

153

I wonder how he managed to get himself home before he met you? Men aren’t good at communication, you say. He read the thread, he took another approach. A direct one: “You should call less.” And the above is what you came out with? Don’t be surprised when some of those “as much as I feel necessary” calls go unanswered.

154

He meant in general, not when I have actual reason to be concerned.

155

You didn’t have an… nevermind… I quit.

156

“Blessed are the Insecure; for they shall have hours and hours of make-up sex! And they shall have lubricant and blister-creme in goodly supply…”

-from “Christ: The Lost Beattitudes”

157

Oh, for fuck’s sake. No one is claiming that if you make plans with your boyfriend and he doesn’t show up, you’re a clingy shrew if you get mad. Christ.

Clingy and/or controlling behavior primarily manifests itself in how one reacts to their SO having friends or interests that don’t involve them. Frequent calls, attempts to set artificial boundaries on outside time, or making the SO feel guilty for spending too much time away can be controlling and/or clingy behavior. And people with clingy SOs who are bad at communication and/or confrontation will often be evasive, making up excuses to get time for themselves instead of trying to explain why they love their friends more than their SO. This is of course the wrong way to handle the situation, but a lot of people don’t have the confidence and self-awareness to overcome relationship guilt-trips.

So in a situation like the OP, a key factor is whether or not one has an actual reason to worry about their SO’s safety, or if the fear for safety is emotional manipulation used to legitimize the person’s desire to remove the SO from a situation that is out of the person’s control. As initially presented, the OP didn’t want to make plans with the boyfriend per se, knew where he was, and didn’t have any real reason to fear for his safety, but still was trying to be heavily involved with determining when he was coming home, to the point of trying to force him to answer his phone by calling over and over.

That’s what set off my clingy radar. Calling your boyfriend when he’s out with his friends is of course not inherently clingy.

And for what it’s worth, I don’t think the OP is a clingy shrew. I do think the boyfriend needs to learn how to communicate what he wants, especially since I still strongly suspect that he did in fact turn off his phone after she kept calling – phones don’t just magically start going to voicemail. It probably wouldn’t hurt for the OP to give the boyfriend extra space when he’s with his friends so he can see that she’s cool with him doing his own thing, but that’s up to them to negotiate.

158

And I wonder how you manage to have a sex life.

159

So, you’ll try to honor his wishes, unless you just arbitrarily decide not to? And he’s the one with communications issues? It’s no wonder really. Would you want to try to communicate openly and honestly with someone who isn’t going to listen? Sheesh.

160

Always nice to get that first childish ad hominem out of the way.