Sweet fuck, it’s not brain surgery! You assholes allegedly know how to develop software or configure and test complex phone systems, yet the workings of the friggin’ Mr Coffee are beyond your grasp?
And there’s TWO carafes for regular coffee for a reason, so that when one is getting low, you start brewing a pot in the OTHER one so there’s coffee DURING THE BREWING PROCESS and you don’t have a bunch of lifeless geeks doing the “John Nash” shuffle around the tiny break room waiting for their caffeine fix and making pathetic attempts to draw conversation topics from their LINUX-based lives!! If one carafe is less than half full, START A POT BREWING IN THE OTHER, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!
And why is it that the few who actually are aware that they can place one carafe on the back burner and start brewing on the main burner ALMOST ALWAYS forget to TURN THAT BACK BURNER ON!! The rare occasions that I’m actually able to get some brew while a pot is brewing, I don’t realize it’s cold until I pour some creamer powder into it, and instead of properly dissolving it floats there in my mug as tiny disgusting Cremora-burgs even if I stir it until I get carpal tunnel.
YOUR STUPIDITY IS DENYING ME CAFFEINE, YOU TURD LICKING FUCKING SONS OF BASTARD LEPEROUS AL QAEDA CAMEL-WHORES!!! The next time I notice somebody pouring themselves a cup and leaving an empty carafe, I am going to perform painful exploratory surgery on them with a glass shard from the useless orange decaf pot. Unless you are in a hurry because of an emergency on the level of your children being on fire, there is no excuse.
I think that for every professional degree, license or certification given in this country, whether it’s for an MBA, CPA, MCSE, bar membership, professional engineer, barber’s certificate, or truck driver’s license, you should have to pass a basic exam on basic office skills and courtesy.
Topics tested would include:
[ul]
[li]Making the fucking coffee when the pot’s empty[/li][li]Sending a goddamn fax [/li][li]Holding the damn elevator door, but not for all fucking day[/li][li]Clearing the stupid paper jams from the copier, or at least calling the incompetent service guy, but not just slinking away like an asshole[/li][li]Not using the speakerphone to disgusting digestive problems or freakish sexual practices unless you have your own office and close the fucking door[/li][li]Just about any other office rant you can find in the Pit![/li][/ul]
Yeah, and I forgot to mention in the original rant that this precious stuff that I need is indeed that vile Folger’s shit. Thank god there’s a Starbucks nearby.
Actually, now that you mention it, I have a nice insulated Thermos I got as a gift that I haven’t used yet. Perfect!
::sneaks in, takes the last cup of coffee, leaving a tiny bit in the pot and sneaks back off, not turning the burner off so someone else must scrub the pot::
Problem is, Revtim, if you become the office authority on making coffee, everyone will look to you to manage the process. Happened to me at one of my previous jobs, and had I stayed there, I would have been the only guy in the office who actually made the coffee.
People are frickin’ lazy. At my last gig, I’d see partners and other folks from executive management go into the kitchen, see that there wasn’t a fresh pot of coffee already brewed for them, and leave the room (presumably to head to Starbucks across the street). Like it would have been so much trouble for them to get a coffee filter from the cabinet, open up a fresh package of Chock Full of Nuts, and brew a pot themselves…
Why yes, yes you are.
Glad we got that cleared up.
(I hate that as well - I make minimally 2 pots per day, drink 1 large cup - I also am the only one who apparently has a clue how to replace the toner in the copier)
Terminus, he made me laugh. Full points for his post.
Revtim, this whole matter is the perfect way for you to show how valuable you are to the organization. Make the coffee, pour out the old stuff, make friends and influence people.
When you are one with the coffee-making process, you’ll come to realize that going through the motions alone brings no spiritual benefit – unless the coffee be Peet’s. Starbucks and other degenerate immitations of pure coffee are but illusions that come and go, passing like the shadow of falling leaves on recycle bins.
That is prevalent everywhere I’m afraid… for some reason, people whose sole job is to make precise calculations, somehow delude themselves into thinking that yes, the 4 drops of coffee left in the carafe is more than enough to fill one more cup, thereby absolving them of their duty to brew more.
It could be worse – you could be the only (and I mean only) woman in an office full of men. Even though I was then a director, when I worked in-house, I was the only one who made coffee, and it was just presumed that I would. If I was in a meeting, or on a conference call, the fully capable, adult men in the office would sit and wait for me to come out, realize that the carafe was empty, and make more.
I realized it and got pissed. I stopped making coffee unless I wanted some. If that meant that they waited until 11 a.m. and didn’t have any more all day, so be it. I wasn’t the cook, the maid or their mommy, I wasn’t responsible. Some of the more serious tools in the office would actually go down 30 stories, across the street and down the block to Starbucks if I hadn’t made more brew in the office.
The kicker was that the machine that we had was hooked directly into the water supply. All that had to be done was putting in the new filter and premeasured coffee pack and pressing a button. No need to measure anything, no reason to pour water, just dump, drop, pour and push. It took 45 seconds.
Now I work from home, and I have my own coffee supply for when I want it, and someone (I don’t know who) is making it in the office. I’m also a VP now. But I have little doubt that if I were back in the office full time, there would be plenty of people who’d expect that the coffee duty would fall right back into my lap.
Btw, Homebrew - snickerdoodle coffee??? Where do you get that?! I want, I want!
