This is gonna be a pretty long rant/story about the things i do in my life and how pointless it may be.
So yeah, i’m sure many people know how it feels to be fully aware of what you need to do and what the consequences are for not doing it. Still in university, should’ve graduated a long time ago but i haven’t yet because i flunked classes here and there because i just neglected them. live in the moment do whatever and then not even deal with the consequences. drugs, booze, pointless sitting down doing nothing. i could’ve done all the studying i needed to do if i just did it, i know many people say this but i would’ve been so easy if i just “put my mind to it”.
Anyways, a year before i’m graduating i meet this girl. now this girl, my age 23’ish gives me what i’ve been wanting for so long, (attention, time, looks, touches and eventually love). now i don’t know if you would call it love without sex. i didn’t / don’t care, felt so alive loving this girl and receiving her love back. after a while, things get kinda wonky. see i knew she had a boyfriend before she came here, (she is a Filipina that left the Philippines 9 months ago and now works where i live). she brought it up sometimes, that she did the breaking up with him but there wasn’t any closure or whatever.
after all the things that happened she basically told me that they didn’t really breakup and he was waiting for her to finish her work here so they could start a new life. he found out about us and was going to leave her. he was pretty independent and was ready to settle down. she needed that kind of security , so i spoke to him and told him nothing happened. he was pissed and all but i guess he didn’t wanna give her up. now she tells me, she has to give him the time and attention so they can carry on when she moves back, but she cant let go of me, matters of the heart i guess. so we had a relationship where we both madly love each other but the circumstances just don’t allow it. i’m currently on 3rd semester out of 4 to graduate, and i’m on my last chance to raise my GPA or i get kicked out. what needs to be done is obvious, i need to get my shit together and eat those books up so i can start making money.
in a perfect world where i wouldn’t have messed up so much, i could’ve gave her the life she needed. we’re both are aware of the situation and get into the topic of ending it before it gets too painful (which is already too late). its only been about 2 and a half months of this mostly on the phone, video calls and whatnot. i meet her sometimes when the opportunity is there, see… her situation is a bit complicated here, she works as a house keeper, and the country we are in, is strictly Islamic. so none of that stuff is tolerated, the lady of the house is a bit of a scary lady (she doesn’t give her days off to go out and buy stuff. just says anything you need to buy, you can buy online) ps.( she’s not mistreated or anything like that. its just common for house maids to only go out with the family and not on their own). so the only way i get to meet her is when i wait right around the corner while she “throws out garbage” we secretly hangout for 10-15 minutes at a time usually, 1 time i got her for a full hour( that was nice). i know it may seem messed up to you, but believe me when i tell you. i love this girl.
Anyways, now reality is starting to settle in and you can feel the bubble slowly starting to burst. i’m uncertain of the future, but lets be real here i can kinda see where its going. i still have hope though Corny alert that Love will pull through for us. realistically speaking, when i graduate (if i graduate… no no i** will graduate** with a decent GPA). we can both work here together after i graduate and she finishes her contract at the house. but then there’s the other guy who is set and ready. this is where the story stands right now. and i’m on video call with her while she sleeps 
If you have read this far, then thank you, if you scrolled down to see how long this ish is, then just find something better to read. no excellent story telling here :D. feel free to comment whatever you want. Positive things are appreciated.
negative things well… whatever. Apathy"