I had a picnic on Labor Day. One of the guests was one of my countless cousins. “Clark” was laid off some time ago and has had a lot of trouble finding an adequate job. I’ve tried to help him out in a few small ways during this time–buying groceries on a couple of occasions, filling his car with gas, being a personal reference, that sort of thing.
Anyway … after the picnic, my wife asked me how Clark’s job search was going. I replied that I didn’t know for certain, as he didn’t say, but I thought it was going poorly. The second he finds work I’m sure he’ll trumpet it to the heavens; but till then, it seems to me, asking how his job search is going is sort of rubbing his nose in his joblessness. I’d make an exception if I was about to aim him toward a specific job I knew about, but other than that I’m not going to bring it up. My wife disagrees with this; she thinks that part of being a good friend is expressing interest in his life and problems, and that I should ask him how things are going in case he needs to talk and vent.
Only speak of it if he brings it up. Having been in that situation myself within the last decade, I know “how’s the job search” was about the last thing I wanted to hear from anybody, even well meaning friends.
Agreed - I’m having fun at a family picnic, then someone reminds me that I’m an unemployed loser.
I see what your wife is saying, but that hasn’t how it’s been for me in the past - like you say, if there was any good news, you sure would have heard about it by now.
I chose “only if I had specific help to offer,” but with an emphasis on specific: I’d have to be familiar enough with my friend’s job search, background, and goals to know whether something might be helpful. Otherwise, I’d only talk about it if the friend brought it up.
IME, the only thing worse than “how’s the job search going” is a stream of well-meaning but off-the-mark suggestions from friends/family.
God yes. I didn’t even tell anyone outside of my husband when I was laid off because I just did not want to deal with anyone else on the subject. Fortunately I had a lot of severance pay and got a new job quickly.
Absolutely. It’s the same with everything. - stop bugging me about it! The best thing you can do, is just say, “I’m thinking of you” now and then but don’t keep asking.
A general “Hey, how’s things going?” gives the person plenty of opportunity to talk about their job hunt if they want to. It also lets them at least pretend like they’re not right at this moment thinking about their current lack of a paycheck.
Bringing up not-useful job talk is at best pointless and at worst incredibly frustrating for the unemployed person. If you at least know the generals of what someone’s qualifications/skills are and what they’re looking for, and you hear of an opportunity that’s relevant, go ahead and share - but only if you’re sure of the above.
Also, do not do what my father did when I was unemployed. If someone says they don’t want to discuss their job-hunting progress, don’t bring it up.
I went with “I would discuss the job search with Clark only if I had specific help to offer.”. I’ve been known to tidy up a few resumes for people, or if I had a job lead.
Often enough to show I cared how things are going, not so often as to be depressing. Same for when a friend has a parent with chronic or terminal illness.
I would ask him generally how his life is going, and let him decide whether he wants to tell you about his job search or about his ballroom dance lessons.
