Great rant!
I don’t think I got your point (and I’m not even sure you had one) but I was laughing too hard to care about a serious point anyway.
Where’d you go? Are you working now? Are you in any danger of getting fired? Would you care? Just curious.
Well, of course you’re not an axe-murderer. You can’t stab with an axe!
I back everyone! Sorry I so slow. It not happen again!
Well, where should I begin. You know it’s not easy being me. I’ve had sushi to make, a boss to placate, an Ice Queen to avoid (the plot thickens), honestly I’m swamped. And, if you dont have your health…
My last post was indeed brought to you by the letter A for alcohol, but I was not blasted. More than tipsy but less than shitfaced, but more like that idyllic middleground where everything feels good. I think my boss could have jumped out of my monitor and hit me with a giant trout, and I would have been like “sweet, you like Monty Python too?”. You know, instead of being puzzled and angry…
I probably sound drunk in this post too… Well, I’m a perfectly strange fellow so that’s par for the course. Dont like it, then tough nuggies.
I digress though. Oh, I was not fired, so that’s important to mention. Other than that, allow me to elaborate, elucidate, and otherwise entertain you. I surreptitiously sell sushi by the seashore on Sundays with Sally… Ok, that’s not true, but god if that’s not a good tongue-twister. I’m the assistant sushi chef at Thai Kata Sushi in Orlando, FL. It is held in high regard in my area for having good food, but little do they know that it’s also held in high regard by the staff as having some real asshat managers.
The part of me that tells me not to kick puppies is reminding me right now that my manager is perhaps a good person, but that I am over-reacting and misjudging him. My conscience, the eternal buzzkill… Little does it know the power of the Darkside, mwahahaha! Oh man… what I would give to throw a little force lightning at Bangkok Billy at work. Although, now that I mention it, the dishwasher bears a small resemblance to Samuel L. Jackson…
More fun stories about my dingleberry boss. Oh, well a good one is two weeks ago when I was starting my shift, his feces-laden bunghole he calls a mouth bestows this verbal turd onto me. “When you leave work, what is you are have been doing” … no wait, …, ok, I can think again. First of all, something is dangerously wrong with this situation. My boss always leaves the copula verb out of his sentences, for example the infamous “why you so slow” But, now he has gone into Hyper Mode and included at least four… WHAT THE FUCK? Did the little retarded Oompa Loompas operating the speech portion of his brain take a hit of acid or something? When I heard that phrase, you could not see it, but the gates of Hell opened and Satan waved his dick around in my face. It was so painful that I almost committed seppuku with my ginzu knife.
Two days ago, he asked me another genious question: “You need somebody wipe your butt?” Excuse me I said. “When you poo, you need person to wipe butt?” I do what any sane person did and immediately died laughing. I might have actually died, but the cute waitress walked by and my penis cancelled the self-destruct process that took over my entire being. In any case, my boss’s point was that I am a baby and cant do the simplest job correctly. When I cut the seaweed wrong, he told me “Do this fucking shit again, and you’re fired. It so easy. How you be so stupid, fucking shit” Such flowery language.
Of course, no evil dynasty is complete without supporting characters. There is Shiva, his sister and head waitress. She is so cool, she makes Harrison Ford seem like Mr. Rogers. Hmmm… She always finds something to criticize me about it. Somehow she likes our troglodite dishwasher, so I’m always getting complaints about how I placed a dish wrong or wasted too much fucking rice. Listen up, cunty mc fuck-face, you sourpuss crusty-vagina soulless husk of a woman, the rice gets stuck to the cloth, and it wont come out, not for all the tea in China. I tried asking the rice nicely to go off the cloth and into the pot, but naturally it said no, because even the rice at this restaurant is a fucking asshole.
The pay is of course, whale-shit. I do the jobs of a chef, a dishwasher, and a waiter all for the low low price of 7/hr. Oh, it was 7.50 when I accepted the job, but that 50 cents magically disappeared. I’m guessing it went to the same place your socks go after vanishing in the drier.
I really should quit, but you see… I’m a stubborn idiot. It’s true though, that I’m looking for new work. Once I find anything halfway decent, I’m out of here like a squirrel on Meth.
Anyway, I could go on forever, but I’ll save some more stories for another time. I have followed up on my rant, as you wish.
Actually, I suspect whale shit is quite large. What do I know though? I’m no marine biologist.
Fabulous rant! Glad to hear you weren’t fired. Especially if it means we get to hear more about your boss later!
The op and it’s follow up is one of the best rants I have ever read. Well done.
Glad you made it back.
Nooooo, you can’t quit your job now. How are you going to continue these wonderful stories without your job?
And perhaps you’re just misunderstanding your poor boss.
Here’s an example:
So here he’s giving you three extra verbs to place in all the sentences you posted earlier where they were missing. And he’s allowing you to decide where they go for maximum effect. Thoughtful, no?
Here’s another potential misunderstanding:
Are you sure you interpreted this correctly? Maybe he was offering. Have you ever seen “The Last Emperor”? The servants followed the little king around and wiped the little kid’s butt.
So perhaps the correct response was “yes, that would be nice, thank you” and then bend over a little to show that you understood.
And you laughed and blew the whole thing and insulted him and everything. Perhaps what is needed is a little more understanding. Try it next time and see what happens.* At least you won’t be worrying about being slow.
Ok yeah, $7/hr doesn’t seem like much to take that kind of abuse, but think of it this way, where else could you go to get great material like this?
*Please don’t read this while you’re drunk. You might think I’m serious and try it and that would NOT be good.
Anybody else hear the boss’s words in the voice of Hank’s Asian neighbor from King of the Hill?
I was am are were hearing it that way.
I was thinking about the temple slave drivers from the animated Clerks.
Pure poetry.
I look forward to the ‘squirrel on meth’ posting that says you quit!
Great OP, Automan.
I don’t want to sound racist here, really I don’t. But what is it about some Asian bosses? I guess it’s a combination of some cultural forthrightness combined with a really annoying accent.
Wanda, if you’re reading this, yes, I’m talking about you.
“Why you not make number round? You make number round! You very bad programmer! You not belong in front of computer! You find job as monkey boy, you go way! You fire! You fire!”
Every fucking day. And every day, I would ask her how make number round. Does 1.4 plus 1.4 equal 2? Or 3? “That good question, monkey boy. I find out. Get back to you.”
Lather, rinse, etcetera.
I did get back at her, though. I put an Easter egg into the app. It was a pseudo screen saver, Flying Wandas. 
You know, I’ve never seen that. If you had said a ferret on crystal meth, I would have said I’ve seen that. But, never a squirrel.
(If it wasn’t supposed to be a “Domino” reference, never mind…)
Actually, I’m hearing his boss as Kim Jong Il from “Team America: World Police.” “Why you so fuckin’ stupid? Why can’t you be interrigent like me?”
tdn, my husband worked with a Vietnamese guy who sounds very much like what the OP is posting and what you’ve posted. He had a bunch of his younger brothers working for him, and he ruled them with an iron fist of fear. He wasn’t quite as hard on my husband - mostly because my husband didn’t report to him. I guess we should be grateful that we’re not younger siblings of these tinpot dictators?
You, sir, are no more a Straight Dope virgin.
That may not be a good thing, considering what we do to some newbies. :eek:
I’ll do anything once. Should I get the lube?
And a band-aid. A Really. Huge. Band-aid.
I actually have to go to work, but when I come home and my soul is crushed once again into a fine powder resembling the ashes of my dreams, then let the org…initiation begin!
I SO SLOW!
Oh, sweetheart, go get a job at Panera Bread. The pay is the same, but you won’t have idiot managers yelling at you…and if you close at night, you get to take home leftover pastries and breads and bagels.