Bitch about your boss thread

Right. Let’s start with my ex-boss, disaffectionately known as “Pigman” or “Fat Bastard.”

No, really, the man was morbidly obese. He was obsessed with food. It’s one thing to dip your french fries in mayonnaise - very European. But to put globs of it all over the fries - along with ketchup - is just wrong. And then he’d complain they were too cold, so he’d go heat them up in the microwave. You cannot, I repeat, cannot reheat french fries in the microwave.

Oh, and he’d send so many email complaints to the cafeteria management that they finally started including him in their meetings. He skipped out on an important work-related meeting to attend the caf meeting.

And did I mention he did nothing but would get on my case for doing same? At least I wasn’t surfing for porn and MP3s and burning it all on CD to take them home.

And when you give a rush job, make sure (a) it’s near the end of the day, and (b) interrupt the employee every 5 minutes to ask how it’s going.

Be sure and keep a rigid 30-hour work week while riding your employees to do their 37.5 hours.

Entertain us by telling us the same mundane (and often vulgar) stories over and over at lunch. Tell us about your cream corn casserole again, Pigger.

Never, ever let us know your FrameMaker secrets. That makes you valuable and us dependent on you.

Give us nothing to do, then get on our case for not doing anything and surfing instead to alleviate the incredible boredom.

Emerge from managers’ meeting looking all secretive and self-important, but never, ever let your employees know what’s going on with the company.

Be the hugest closet-case, secure in the knowledge no one had figured you out. Listen, buddy, it was the worst-kept “secret” at the company.

(He got canned. :D)

Current boss (female, much better, but still a case):

Must you always push the food in your Lean Cuisine around endlessly with your fork before taking a forkful and actually eating it? And when someone brings in a frozen dinner you’ve never seen before, must you insist on looking at the nutrition stats and offering your opinion? Look, I can handle the fat & sodium honey. My body can take it.

It would be nice if you washed your stringy, oily hair more often.

When you come into my cube with questions, make them totally incomprehensible so that I’m reduced to going “um, uh, I think…” and ruffling through papers on my desk, before finally phrasing it in a manner I understand and can respond intelligently to. I really like feeling stupid for a few minutes every day.

Draw out our weekly tech writers’ meetings by asking everyone questions in the above-mentioned way. We love sitting in that frigid conference room.

Make sure the conversation at break and lunch is as banal as possible. The weather. Nutrition (see above). Asking stupid questions whenever someone brings up anything remotely interesting. Talk about your snow removal service. Real interesting. See, this will drive your group to avoid break and eat lunch at their desks.

Don’t delegate. Do it all yourself, then complain that “they” are working you to the bone.

Be bow-legged. Have no fashion sense. Wear cruddy cheap-ass sneakers one day, then those hideous red heeled boots the next. (At least when she wears heels I can hear her coming and resume pretending to work.)

But nothing, I mean nothing, beats the reign of terror that was Pigman. At least not in my employment history. Consider this a challenge.

  • s.e.

Walk up behind your employees at least 3 times a week and say “You know anyone who has a job should feel very grateful. There are at least a thousand people would take your job today”.

Really and how damn many of them have my training and experience?
Go home and drink your lunch. Return as the Bitch from Hell.
We all enjoy it so much.

If one of your employees is offered another job, be sure to call her prospective boss and tell them she has a mental condition and won’t take her medicine. Deny it to the board when caught.

Don’t let your employees attend any meetings on the new network. When you attend pay no attention to what is said. When you return tell employees to call another Library to find out what to do.

Order only videos, books, and audios that you would like because they are best for the Patrons. Even if they ask for something else.

Be rude to anyone who is poor or not white. After all we know they don’t pay taxes anyway.

(my former COO)

Each week, come up with a completely different and utterly incomprehensible explanation of what the CEO’s new software idea is supposed to do, until it becomes obvious to everyone that you have no clue.

On a regular basis, announce a complete restructuring of the company’s business plan, until it becomes obvious to everyone that you’re just cribbing from the most recent cover article of Businessweek, and that you don’t actually have a business plan.

When asked a direct question about either of the above issues, either (a) ask the same question right back, then say “how can I answer your question if you don’t know these things?” or (b) stare back with an incredulous look on your face, then say “I can’t believe you could ask such an ignorant question. How did you get to your position without knowing that?”

Finally, we staged a coup; about three-fouths of the employees threatened to walk out if the CEO didn’t fire him.

Think you’re hottest thing in microbiology since inoculating loop first touched Petri dish, just because you got a cushy job with a not-too-impressive-sounding title (Hannah Professor? what the hell is that?) at my university. Insist that whenever I make a comment about you in German to someone and I just refer to you as “Doktor X.”, correct me: "It’s ‘Herr Doktor Professor’ ", in a really snotty tone.

Dude, you don’t even speak German. I could call you “Nazi rat bastard” and you wouldn’t know the difference. In fact, I think I will from now on…

Go around behind your employees backs telling them that another employee is bitching about them. Tell them your are our only friend and not to trust anyone else. So they will all be backbiting each other.

Yeah! It only tooks us a couple days to realize you are full of SHIT!

Force employees to take breaks with you, and then regulate what they talk about on THEIR breaks.

Make your employees drive your lazy ass home, even though you only live 2 1/2 blocks from here. When they are driving you home force them to check out so they don’t get payed for that work time. Then make them take you grocery shopping, to the bank and the Post Office. All on work time they are not getting payed for.

Pass all your work to your already overworked employees, and then sit by the front door reading a book.

Demand that your employees take you on a day trip they are planning on their DAY OFF. Then tell them where to go, what time to be there, where they can eat, and what time to leave.


I think your boss has Fat Bastard (aka Pigger, Pigman) beat…

  • s.e.