Right. Let’s start with my ex-boss, disaffectionately known as “Pigman” or “Fat Bastard.”
No, really, the man was morbidly obese. He was obsessed with food. It’s one thing to dip your french fries in mayonnaise - very European. But to put globs of it all over the fries - along with ketchup - is just wrong. And then he’d complain they were too cold, so he’d go heat them up in the microwave. You cannot, I repeat, cannot reheat french fries in the microwave.
Oh, and he’d send so many email complaints to the cafeteria management that they finally started including him in their meetings. He skipped out on an important work-related meeting to attend the caf meeting.
And did I mention he did nothing but would get on my case for doing same? At least I wasn’t surfing for porn and MP3s and burning it all on CD to take them home.
And when you give a rush job, make sure (a) it’s near the end of the day, and (b) interrupt the employee every 5 minutes to ask how it’s going.
Be sure and keep a rigid 30-hour work week while riding your employees to do their 37.5 hours.
Entertain us by telling us the same mundane (and often vulgar) stories over and over at lunch. Tell us about your cream corn casserole again, Pigger.
Never, ever let us know your FrameMaker secrets. That makes you valuable and us dependent on you.
Give us nothing to do, then get on our case for not doing anything and surfing instead to alleviate the incredible boredom.
Emerge from managers’ meeting looking all secretive and self-important, but never, ever let your employees know what’s going on with the company.
Be the hugest closet-case, secure in the knowledge no one had figured you out. Listen, buddy, it was the worst-kept “secret” at the company.
(He got canned. :D)
Current boss (female, much better, but still a case):
Must you always push the food in your Lean Cuisine around endlessly with your fork before taking a forkful and actually eating it? And when someone brings in a frozen dinner you’ve never seen before, must you insist on looking at the nutrition stats and offering your opinion? Look, I can handle the fat & sodium honey. My body can take it.
It would be nice if you washed your stringy, oily hair more often.
When you come into my cube with questions, make them totally incomprehensible so that I’m reduced to going “um, uh, I think…” and ruffling through papers on my desk, before finally phrasing it in a manner I understand and can respond intelligently to. I really like feeling stupid for a few minutes every day.
Draw out our weekly tech writers’ meetings by asking everyone questions in the above-mentioned way. We love sitting in that frigid conference room.
Make sure the conversation at break and lunch is as banal as possible. The weather. Nutrition (see above). Asking stupid questions whenever someone brings up anything remotely interesting. Talk about your snow removal service. Real interesting. See, this will drive your group to avoid break and eat lunch at their desks.
Don’t delegate. Do it all yourself, then complain that “they” are working you to the bone.
Be bow-legged. Have no fashion sense. Wear cruddy cheap-ass sneakers one day, then those hideous red heeled boots the next. (At least when she wears heels I can hear her coming and resume pretending to work.)
But nothing, I mean nothing, beats the reign of terror that was Pigman. At least not in my employment history. Consider this a challenge.