Good night, Auto. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely fire you in the morning

The BBQ Pit
1

God, I really dont know if I have the pure vitriol to create a proper Pit thread. I am still a Straight Dope virgin for crying out loud. Ok, Ok, Here goes.

I hate my boss. I really do. The level of hate I have for my boss is inconceivable. My rage burns with the fire of one thousand dwarf suns. I am the real-life Spock to his Shatner. It’s a little tough for me to express because I dont believe in holding on to negative feelings of hate, but gosh darnit I’m gonna try my best.

He is a jerk, an asshole, a complete and utter maroon. I hope he chokes on the rottting bones of the aborted fetus of the anti-christ. I want to stab every organ on his body in such a way to inflict maximum pain and suffering, and then have him beg for death.

Wow, that was violent. I dont really have any intentions of murdering my boss. I am not an axe-murderer.

Gosh I’m sucking at this. I should probably explain my situation a little, huh!

I just started a job at a Thai Sushi restaurant. That alone blows the mind. If my mind was a bottle of bubble solution, it would have been blown many many times, that’s how mind-blowing it is. My point is that Thai and Sushi go together like Italians and Escargot. Close but no gorilla. Well, in my restaurant, the food is good, the people that are not my boss are good, but my boss is an anal wart on the asscheeks of the world.

Did I mention I’m drunk? Well, whatever. Hey, you know what the good thing about the Pit is? If you dont like my thread, then you can go fuck yourself! Hahahaha.

Ok, back to regularly scheduled programming. How should I summarize my boss? I know. Do you know the Asian man on South Park? That is my boss. I shit you not. (He shits me… he shits me not… he shits me…)

I really have only two complaints. He is mean, and he cant speak English, and he’s a poo-poo head dickface. More bullshit comes out of his mouth than shit comes out a bul’s mouth. Wait… More bullshit comes out of his mouth than bull comes out of a shit’s mouth. God damnit. Nevermind.

My manager says two things every minute: “if you’re not sure, ask” and “i already told you, why you not remember?” This means that if I forget and ask, I’m yelled at. If I remember and then make a mistake, I’m yelled at. If I dont achieve utter perfection, then I am in trouble. God, fuck him with a rusty spoon. Fuck him so hard that his shitty-ass prostitute grandmother in Bangkok gets a headache. Did I mention he is from Thailand and speaks English with an accent so thick that he makes Sylvester Stallone sound like Winston Churchill?

Speaking of his accent, he cant use the copula verb. He are incapable of using it. What I typing? You think this bad English? Notice the verb “to be” missing? It grates on my nerves like my soul is being squeezed on a rusty accordion. If that wasn’t bad enough, his accent… his accent… words fail. Literally, words fail. I dont think there is a word in the English language to describe how terrible it is. I have friends from all over the world, so I am no stranger to strange English, but my boss’s really takes the cake. I cant even make a bad pun on it, because it’s so bad. It’s random too. I have a mental image of a giant pachinko machine with words magically printed on the holes and everytime he wants to form a sentence, he inserts his balls into his mouth.

This rant sounded so much better in my head. I think I’ll end it now before I embarrass myself even further.

Do I feel any better after posting this? Maybe. I’m too drunk to really tell the difference…
Edited portion

Sweet Jehosophat, I just remembered that I didnt even explain why I used my quote. Well, today I was working and my boss said “you too slow, if you slow again tomorrow then I fire you” The Princess Bride is my favorite movie, so it came to me naturally.

Anyway, FUCKO OFF you sorry excuse for a chef. Nobody cares if your sushi rolls are fusion. This isn’t the five star Hilton and nobody gives two shits if you live or die. You smile and give them rice and raw fish in a delicious roll form, of course people will smile and nod, but how in hell did you let that turn you into the ogre you are now? You two-faced, needle-dicked, JERK

2

This rant is some kind of mini-classic. I think the drunkenness helped. :slight_smile:

3

Oh, and my favorite aprt was this: “I really have only two complaints. He is mean, and he cant speak English, and he’s a poo-poo head dickface.”

4

Wait and quit in the middle of your shift, that will fuck him up. I did that once when I was a dishwasher and the chef was being an asshole.

5

Be careful, Autolycus. Some people around here take a dim view of posters who talk about stabbing their bosses.

6

I feel for you. You did say you are a indentured servant, but didn’t state how long a term you are required to work for him to satisfy your indenturship and can leave that place.

7

:rolleyes: What? A guy can’t bitch about his job? You’d rather see this spot filled with a story about a man stepping on freshly hatched chicks with golf cleats followed by 52 frownie smilies?

Nice rant. Tighten it up a bit and I think we have an Onion article.

8

To the OP: Yeah! I’m with you! Bosses suck!*

Lizard: that was my favorite part too.

*so do employees!

9

Wow. If you were actually swimming in it when you posted, that one has got to win the prize for Most Coherent Inebri-Post ever. Seriously. I know people who can’t write that well sober.

Anyway, when the sauce wears off could you add a supporting detail or two? Certainly you can’t hate the guy because he speaks with an accent and he said you were too slow.

Or was this just the booze posting?

10

This sentence is a thing of beauty. Now I begin to understand why all the greatest writers were drunks.

Although I’m still unsure about the “Spock/Shatner” analogy. Is this a hypothetical comparison of how Spock would feel about William Shatner if the two inhabited the same continuity? I seem to recall a story along those lines in Star Trek: The New Voyages… Pretty sure it was Book 2… Definitely not canonical…

11

I was thinking Kif/Zapp Brannigan would be a better analogy.

Anyway, great rant. If only everyone posted that coherently while drunk.

Is this the same guy who threatened to fire you in a week if you didn’t learn to cut sushi rolls, but wouldn’t teach you how?

12

I laughed. I cried. I laughed some more.
Drunk posting can certainly be bad for the drunk poster, but it sure is entertaining to the rest of us.

I admit that I’ve posted drunk many, many (countless even) times back when I had permission to drink. I doubt anyone could tell the difference unless I actually said I was drunk.

Cue server breakdown as diligent Dopers search the database for my drunken posts among my gazillion.

13

Funny you should mention these guys. I had a mental image of Amy Wong’s rather mean dad as Autolycus’s boss.

14

Inquiring minds want to know if Auto was fired today. He too slow.

15

Why you no post follow-up?

You too slow!

Bosses of unusual size? I don’t believe in them.

16

This was my favourite part:
“Did I mention I’m drunk? Well, whatever. Hey, you know what the good thing about the Pit is? If you dont like my thread, then you can go fuck yourself! Hahahaha.”
Not even an exclamation mark after the “Hahahaha.” Beautiful.

So, restaurant jobs are a dime a dozen, no?

17

Don’t you mean “restaurant jobs dime a dozen?”

18

Yep, I liked that bit too.

19

Maybe you should start telling him a really great story and then just as you’re getting to the good part, look up and say, “Oh look, it’s time to go home. Well, I guess I can finish my story tomorrow if I still work here.” And then each day start a new story.

The plus side is you won’t get fired. The negative side is your boss might end up falling in love with you.

20

Wahahahaha! I loved the OP! :stuck_out_tongue: My favorite part: “I have a mental image of a giant pachinko machine with words magically printed on the holes and everytime he wants to form a sentence, he inserts his balls into his mouth.”

Post more drunk please. :slight_smile: