Goofus & Gallant do the SDMB

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So we’re waiting at the pediatrician’s office to weigh beagle jr. (fyi, she’s weighing what she should). Amidst the screaming chilluns and scary looking parents I spy a Highlights™ magazine. Ahhh flashback to my own waiting room experiences as a young lad with strep throat.

And YES, the magazine still has Goofus & Gallant!!

It’s the 21st century though, and the little morality plays need some desperate updating. I’ll start us off.

Goofus has a prehensile rectum and creates a biohazardous condition all over the stall.

Gallant thoughtfully uses an ass gasket (paper toilet seat cover) to shield any follow up visitors from offensive materials.

Your turn.

2

Goofus drives a Cadillac Escalade in the left lane at 45 MPH.

Gallant always drives his Porsche at least 70 MPH in the fast lane, and he always gets the fuck out of the way when people flash their brights at him.
Goofus wears white socks with his Birkenstocks.

Gallant eschews socks altogether when wearing sandals, and he wears Tevas instead of silly hippy footwear.
Goofus bogarts the joint and gets drool all over the end.

Gallant always brings the choicest weed, and makes sure all of his friends get a hit from the bong before he partakes.
Goofus grabs the stripper’s boobies and gets kicked out of the strip club within 10 minutes of his arrival.

Gallant keeps his hands to himself, and always gets invited into the VIP room for champagne and a hoover.

3

Goofus eats baked beans with hot sauce and fails to mule his balloons over the border, rupturing them in his intestines.

Gallant refrains from eating, taking in only water, and is well on his way to his San Diego bungalow with his coke.

Goofus gets mouthy with a rough prison gang, and ends up getting his arse traded for cigarettes during gang meetings.

Gallant always greets the prison warden with a smile and is assigned a cushy job in the laundry room.

4

Goofus drives an SUV while under the effects of Mexican fat-burner pills

Gallant rides a bicycle everywhere he goes until the day that crazed Goofus takes him out with his out-of-control, ecosystem-ruining SUV.

5

Goofus calls the police with a false molestment charge on his parents, entices the rest of the town to do it, and ends up causing Children of the Corn-esque havoc.
[sub]So I stole the plot from “South Park,” it’s still funny.[/sub]

Gallant only uses the “m” word on his mom’s abusive boyfriends.
While babysitting, Goofus leaves his charges unattended with only a metal spork and a toaster to play with, while he picks up drugs from his dealer behind the Burger King.

Gallant picks up his drugs before the job starts.

6

Goofus makes the baby Jesus cry.

Gallant uses lube.

7

I used to like to smell the “newness” of Highlights and Weekly Reader. Anyone else?
Okay, I’ll get out of the thread, then. Bye! :slight_smile:

Q

8

Goofus obsesses about being circumsized.

Gallant is a hot monkey lover.

9

Goofus gut-shoots his victims multiple times, leaving them to a slow agonizing death.

Gallant quickly and neatly puts one in the back of their head, execution-style.

Goofus crosses the wires on his car bomb and blows himself up in the garage.

Gallant takes the time to duble check his schematics, and makes sure the only people who are blown up are filthy rotten protestants.

Goofus shoots up in the crook of his elbow, leaving unsightly needle tracks where cops can easily see them.

Gallant shoots up in the inside of his thigh, so his employers at the daycare center don’t know he’s a horse addict.

10

You people are sick and vile doing such a thing to a childrens learning magazine! You should all be ashamed of yourselves!

Now behave yourselves while I go and get something to wipe up the Milkyway I had to spit out cause I was choking from laughter.

(some peoples children)

11

During the “All Your Base” fad I came up with:

GOOFUS takes all your base. GALLANT moves zig.

No, it wasn’t very funny then either.

12

Goofus waits at the end of the bar watching for a single woman to get herself drunk before he picks her up.

Gallant picks up his one-night stand when they’re both half loaded, and so buys her a couple of drinks.

Goofus has his computer facing the hallway, so everyone can see when he’s accessing porn.

Gallant keeps his computer facing the wall, so no one else can see his porn.

Goofus stands in Barnes and Noble to read the entire issue of Playboy, and then puts it back in the wrong place.

Gallant takes the copy of Playboy into the cafe, reads it while he drinks a latte, and then puts it back correctly in the rack.

13

I love this thread.

Goofus “goes” on girls’ backpacks in the library when they’re not looking.

Gallant goes on their faces when they ask nicely.

14

Goofus makes faces behind the mean teacher’s back during class.

Gallant provides a link on the front page of the school’s website to the mean teacher’s online dominatrix business.
Goofus hits up strangers for change on the subway so he can buy beer.

Gallant carefully and precisely knocks over liquor stores to fund his drinking habit.

By the way, I went through the little game linked to in the OP. If you do it just right, you get hookers!

15

Goofus is seen by neighbors sodomizing gophers in his back yard.

Gallant sodomizes gophers in the privacy of his own garage to avoid embarrassment.

On Friday night, Goofus watches porn and eats cold pizza.

On Friday night, Gallant dates a porn starlet and takes her to the city’s best fetish club.

Goofus is mugged while cruising downtown in search of crack.

Gallant makes crack in the safety of his own basement laboratory.

Goofus pinches a female coworker and gets fired for sexual harassment.

Gallant talks Goofus into pinching a coworker, and asks her out after his firing.

16

Goofus uses trite political insults like Commie and Nazi when flaming somebody in the pit.

Gallant uses more trendy sexually themed slams like “cock-socket” and “tit-wrench”

17

Goofus does the SDMB and walks away.

Gallant does the SDMB and at least has the goddamned common courtesy to give it a reach-around.

Goofus has to have a second gunman on the grassy knoll.

Gallant puts three shots within eight seconds into a two-inch circle.

Goofus finds a security hole in the IRS database and messes up everyone’s tax rebate.

Gallant finds a security hole, patches it, and leaves a nice note for the admins detailing what it was, how he found it, and how he fixed it, but adds a few zeroes to his rebate check for his troubles.

18

Goofus gets his brother to help him rig the election.

Gallant makes a concession spee . . . Oh, wait a minute . . .

19

Goofus bombards you with banner ads, popups, popunders, and Ford-style crows(!) in an attempt to sell you low-quality gadgets.

Gallant has telemarketers call you.

Goofus runs a scumbag Manhattan car service that offers $1 off coupons for airport trips in coupon mailers.

Gallant has a bus service for 1/3 the price that leaves practically from your front door and doesn’t charge for tolls.

Monk

20

Goofus draws a moustache on his girlfriend’s lip after anal.

Gallant sends flowers and a nice thank you note the next day.