Gossip from my past...

My mom still lives in the valley where I went to high school and college. An out-of-town family came to the Christmas service at the church where my mom directs the choir. Afterwards the woman approached my mom with “Arent you Kara’s mother?” Turns out they were my ex-fiancé’s aunt and uncle, visiting my ex’s grandparents. Gee, the joys of small-town life. Never mind that it’s been more than four years since I even saw the guy, and five since we broke up. Anyway, I found out that he and his wife are separated. Didnt surprise me - I predicted it when I heard that the two of them were engaged. Course, I didnt say anything to anyone at the time, cause it would have sounded like sour grapes or cattiness or something. He left me for her two days after meeting her at a party. Anyway, when my mom relayed the gossip to me I wasnt happy - I dont like hearing that a marriage has to end, regardless of my connection to the couple. I feel kinda bad, cause I know he honestly believed he’d found his perfect match. But then I havent thought too much about him in several years aside from a very occasional idle, “Gee, I wonder how he’s doing.” But then again I feel somehow justified - it’s nice to know that my prediction of their inevitable breakup wasnt solely the result of hurt feelings or jealousy or something - that I did, after all, have a better grip on reality than it seemed at the time. And it hurts to admit it, but I do feel a little bit of petty triumph deep down inside, in spite of my best intentions. I dont want him back, I dont want him to want me back, and I dont wish him ill will. I feel bad for feeling triumphant, yet all the same I feel a little triumphant. “Hah, she was no better than I was.” Please, tell me Im human for feeling this way and not some catty obsessed bitch after five years.


Il vaut mieux gâcher sa jeunesse que de n’en rien faire du tout. – Georges Courteline

I’d say it’s normal. You were hurt once. You predicted a short marriage, and even though you didn’t spread it around, you yourself were probably concerned that it was sour grapes. Turns out you were right. Of course there is going to be a feeling of triumph, or at least some relief. Don’t sweat it.


Mr. K’s Link of the Month:

The Enchanted World of Rankin-Bass

I know I shouldn’t say this out loud, but I can’t help but feel a little bit of triumph every time I hear that my ex and his girlfriend are not getting along. Their relationship is so volatile and they fight all the time. Kind of gives me a warm feeling on the inside, knowing that he’s miserable with that woman, while me and my hubby are blissfully, sinfully happy.

I know how petty that sounds, but considering what he put me through, I have a hard time feeling guilt over those feelings.

Shadowfox
“We are what we pretend to be.”

  • Kurt Vonnegut

Been exactly there. When we broke up and he married her, I predicted it would last five years. Turns out I was an optimist, and it was over in three and a half. He’s divorced from his second wife, now, too. I told him once he should have married me the first time and gotten it right.

Yeah, it’s totally normal to feel that way.

-Melin

it’s perfectly normal to feel good about something if you were right, whether you predicted a happy marriage, a breakup, or the winner of the superbowl (or whatever the equivalent would be in denmark). and surely you’ve made predictions pro & con regarding other couples you have known. can’t be that this is an isolated incident; the difference is that it related to someone with whom you had been emotionally involved, which is what is causing your distress.

but you did nothing to bring about the breakup & you even feel badly that it happened, just as badly as you would feel if the situation involved people you knew less intimately. that kind of behavior, in fact, makes you a very compassionate person, not a snippy bitch. nothing you can do about the twinge of triumph. don’t beat yourself up over it. & if it really bothers you, consider dropping him a very short note stating that you had heard the news & were sincerely sorry it didn’t work out.


The purpose of life is to matter, to count, to have it make a difference you lived at all.

As long as you are not taking ads out in the local (or national) papers, saying: “[Insert his name here]: Sorry it didn’t work out. I told you it wouldn’t, you @#$%*!! LOSER!!!” I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

I hope you don’t even consider re-establishing more than a casual acquaintance with the guy. He had his chance and threw it away, and there’s no proof he’s learned anything that will make him a decent human being in the meantime.

[Wonders which of my buttons got pushed this time?]

–Baloo


I once lost my corkscrew and had to live on food and water for several days
-W.C. Fields
http://members.tripod.com/~Bob_Baloo/index.htm

whooaa, there big fella. down boy. steady now. there you go. that’s better.

a VERY SHORT note is only if scarlet pimp’s conscience really refuses to listen to reason & she needs to do SOMETHING to erase the uncomfortableness. she surely knows the ex well enough to decide if it might be too much of an open door. & he surely knows her current circumstances vis-a-vis a SO. she said it’s a small town. but a VERY SHORT note is also one of those, like, civilized things? i’m sure miss manners would go along w/ it. but maybe they don’t do stuff like that in clovis, nm . . .

btw, are you following me?


The purpose of life is to matter, to count, to have it make a difference you lived at all.

If you really loved him, you’d wish him the best and want him to be happy. Love in its purest form is never catty or jealous.
Few people reach that level of selflessness, though.

(But it’s something to work on while you’re primping, hoping you’ll run into him so he’ll kick himself for dumping you.) :slight_smile:

Hey, I figure it comes down to this at it’s most primal level:

When 2 people in a long-term relationship break up, SOMEBODY has to be at fault. If your ex fails at subsequent relationship(s) it allows you to feel (correctly or not) that he was completely at fault for your breakup as well.

Not a pretty picture, but I don’t realy think it’s catty or vindictive, just human nature…


Sue from El Paso

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Wow, thanks! [John Astin voice] Im feeling much better now. [/John Astin voice] Seriously, I appreciate everybody’s sensible perspectives and advice and desire to comfort.

special: “Scarlet Pimp,” huh? Hmm, maybe PurpleCrackWhore and I should go into business together :wink: Yeah, the note is a nice gesture, I like the idea, and under different circs I might, but (un?)fortunately, the aftermath of the breakup made it almost impossible for me to try to contact him now, if I even wanted to.

Baloo: ROTFLMAO over that newspaper ad idea. Tempting, tempting… And dont worry, I have NO inclinations in that direction. Like you and Majormd pointed out, this breakup doesnt show that he’s learned anything about relationships since our fiasco. Especially, as Shadowfox reminded me, “considering what he put me through”.

Fortunately we live on different continents now, so we dont have to run into each other - it’s just that our families both still live in the same rural area of California, so every now and then they meet accidentally.


It is better to waste your youth than do nothing with it. – Georges Courteline

Living well is the best revenge.

Okay, here’s a related topic. I found this girl I had a crush on in high school is married and pregnant. Actually it was probably the biggest crush of that period of my life.

We kept in touch a little bit after high school and I probably didn’t really do my part to keep reaching out, but I was dating succession of other people at the time, and for some reason I felt weird communicating with her. It was like all the sexual tension that was sort of fun in high school had gone sour.

I haven’t talked to her in two or three years, and then I get a Christmas card from her saying she’s going to have a baby and would love to get in touch with me and talk about all the wonderful obscure things we liked to talk about years ago.

And now I’m very wretched and jealous. It occurs to me about once every three minutes that there had to be some time in the 11 years since we graduated that we were both single, and while I’m not positive about her true feelings, everyone else seems to think she was wild about me. And she did say “I’d marry you in a second” at one point without a hint of irony (I was spoken for at the time; no I wouldn’t have married without a healthy interval, but that’s not the point).

Anyway, I’ll probably eventually muster up the heart to send her an email or something. Suddenly all the images of women I’ve felt something for, but never reached out to, are coming back to me. The weight of what could have been is nearly unbearable. I’ve been single for six years - in exile from a land of coquettes, faithless lovers, and ice queens. I wandered that land for years, a blind traveller unable to tell the highwaywomen from the woman who could be my soul-mate.

" . . . and during the service, the speaker focussed on the unreliability of the past, the unreliable present that has resulted, the unreliable future that is promised, and returned again and again to the fantastical metaphor of unled lives . . . "

The apocrypha, if you will.

Pull yerself together there Boris B – Tis all well and good to reflect on the blandishments of the Aristotelian machination, and perhaps it is a healthy grenade blast in one’s hall of mirrors to consider what might have been, but the future is THAT WAY ----->

We all carry the weighty anguish of lessons learned, but we dare not allow these lessons to reverse our path. That way lies madness.
Dr. Watson
“The surreal made real, what a relief.”
(Opening quote self-authored, in derogation of only me own copyright . . . )

so, contact her. tell her hearing from her brought up a swell of unsettling emotions & briefly what they were (e-mail her your posting above maybe). see what she has to say.

she might apologize for confusing you.
she might comfort you for having gone thru a series of unhappy relationships, but say she wants only to be your friend.
she might say she has been thinking about you, too, & the baby is the last hurrah of a marriage that is ending.

you won’t know until you talk to her.

stewing over the might-have-beens is a killer. approaching her with anything less than complete honesty gives you no basis to rebuild any kind of relationship.

/muttering/ why is stating what you feel so hard for so many people? /muttering/


The purpose of life is to matter, to count, to have it make a difference you lived at all.