A Facebook blast from the past...

Imagine my surprise, on returning from holiday last weekend, to find a Facebook message from an ex-girlfriend whom I had not spoken to for almost 10 years. We went out for two years, and she was waay out of my league, looks-wise. After exchanging a couple of messages with her, she tells me she is going through a divorce. It’s also pretty clear from her messages that she still thinks fondly about our time together.

Thing is, on said holiday, in fact on the exact same day that ex decided to get back in touch, I got engaged. The soon-to-be-Mrs-C and I are very excited, as you can imagine, and we are certainly very happy together, but the timing of this blast from the past has thrown me slightly. See, I was pretty crazy about her and it took me some time to get over her. Now it seems that she wants to re-establish contact. I know we’d have a whole lot to talk about.

Is this a bad idea? She knows I have just got engaged, I know I am in love with my fiancee and do not wish to do anything that would in any way cause awkwardness. But on the other hand, this is someone who was very special to me. I guess what I’m trying to ask is, is it possible to become good friends with someone again in this situation?

And has anyone else dealt with a similar scenario?

That and, wasn’t the timing a weird coincidence?

Yes.

'Nuff said.

Does that count as “asked and answered” then?

Mods… :slight_smile:

Too terse? Seriously, dude – it’s a bad idea, you know it’s a bad idea, don’t open that can of worms.

Sorry, I wasn’t getting at you for being terse, I admire your forthrightness. It was a jokey call for the thread to be closed as asked and answered…

Many years ago I was treated very badly by a girl, and eventually she dumped me. I wrote her a pathetic letter saying any time she wanted to get back in touch, she should, I’d be there for her, etc. yadda yadda.

Then, a year later, just after I’d started what would become a very long-term relationship, she sent word via a mutual that she ‘was ready’ to re-establish contact with me. I sent word back: “No thanks”. And that was that.

She’d only communicate through your insurance company? Crazy girl :stuck_out_tongue:

She’s trolling. Trolling for rebound dudes. But she’s older and lazier now so she’s going to her “pool of guys I know want me” for a bit of fun.

Don’t friend her (if you haven’t already) and just let communication slip into the void.

This was the first thing that occurred to me too.

If you do decide to let Ms. Hottie Ex back into your life, be totally upfront with your fiancee about it.

Which he won’t, because he’s not an idiot.

Well, of course not. I’m just throwing that out there as kind of an “emergency chute of stupid,” just in case his main chute (i.e. not talking to the ex at all) fails to open.

Never met me, have you? :o

Good point.

How about, “Which he won’t, because he knows I’d kick his ass”?

Let it go, dude. She doesn’t want to just be friends…

I agree with the others - not a good idea. It is also somewhat disrespectful to your fiancee.

No.

You’re joking, right? You don’t think getting back together with an Old Hottie who dumped you 10 years ago, when you’re currently committed to somebody else, would be “awkward”? (I think it’s logical to assume that she was the one who did the dumping before, because guys who are “crazy about” girls who are “out of their league, looks-wise” don’t generally dump them.)

Geez, I’m not even in the Singles Scene, being happily married for 34 years now, and even I can tell that allowing any further communication with this girl would be a Very Bad Idea. Even if you weren’t on the brink of a lasting and significant relationship with The Girl Next Door, even if you were still footloose and fancy free, as your mom, I would still be going, “Ummm…” with that “mom look” on my face, as you adjusted your tie in front of the mirror on the way to see Little Miss Tell Me You Still Want Me Because My Self-Esteem Is Currently In The Toilet Due To My Divorce And I Need You To Bolster My Ego Temporarily.

Let me guess: when you were dating, you openly marveled at why she chose you. And you spoiled her rotten. Presents. Lots of presents. She never gave you anything, unless you count that stuffed animal she won at the coconut shy at the fair and didn’t want and tossed it over to you, “Here, you can have this…” And anything she wanted to do, you did. Anything you wanted to do, she had to think about it, and frequently nixed it.

Am I right?

So, no surprise, she needs that have s’more of that good old ego-boosting adoration. And she looks to you to provide it.

You said it took you a long time to get over her. Question: Are you better-looking now than you were 10 years ago? Or worse? If you’re better-looking now, then she might stick around in your life for a while. But if you pretty much look the same way you did 10 years ago, then she’ll stay only long enough for her to line up someone else, preferably someone with money, as she’s now at the time of life when the bar is closing down and she still doesn’t have anyone to take her home, so, she thinks, if you have to take potluck, might as well choose “wealthy potluck”.

So, you want to run the risk of falling in love with her all over again, only to have her dump you again? Does that sound like fun, having your heart broken again, by the same chick? Plus at the risk of losing The Girl Next Door, who won’t be inclined to obligingly come back and heal your broken heart after the Old Hottie gets done with you. Girls Next Door rarely do, because by the time you get done with your fling, she will have found another Boy Next Door and will be working on her “2.1 kids” population increase.

If, however, you have metamorphosed into Donald Trump in the last 10 years, never mind all this–she will never leave, and will do her best to drive off The Girl Next Door, too.

Question: Did you post your engagement on Facebook before she contacted you? Think carefully.

No, you wouldn’t, actually. Once you’d exhausted the reminiscences, then you’d have to deal with, “Where are we going with this relationship?” which never requires any conversation, because it’ll be pretty obvious that it can go in only one of two directions, this not being a society that currently allows multiple wives. Either you’re going to have a fling with her, or you aren’t. And deciding that doesn’t take much talk.

And when your fiancee finds out that you’re having a fling with your old girlfriend right after you got engaged to her, it won’t take her much conversation to move out of your life, either.

Tell the Old GF politely, in words of one syllable, that you think it’s best if the two of you not meet, or become “friends”, or have any further contact. Tell her you don’t think you can be “just friends” with her, and it wouldn’t be fair to any of the parties concerned to even attempt such a thing.

And if she gushes, “Oh, I’d LOVE to meet your fiancee”, then you will know that she is just trolling for validation, because a normal person would understand the reason for the polite brushoff and would accept it.

But if you are stupid enough to arrange some sort of meeting between Old GF and New GF, then you totally deserve everything that happens to you, and your father and I will be very disappointed in you.

Straighten your tie.

:smiley:

Oh, SNAP, DDG!! :slight_smile:

Mum? When did you join the board? :confused:

Thanks for the wise words, everyone.

THREESUM!!!

:smiley: :cool:

Agree with everyone who thinks the OP just sounds like the first step in a downward spiral of cheating and guilt and divorce. I have heard about plenty of people breaking up with help from Facebook (either by getting in touch with exes, like the OP, or reading a SO’s inbox or Wall flirting).

I do think it’s fully possible to be in contact with an ex, chat about old times, then let the relationship fade away once more, but there are too many people dwelling on ‘what could have been’ and think it’s romantic rather than immature to give that old relationship ‘a second chance,’ like something out of a rom-com.

Has anyone else noticed that Facebook has pretty much infantilized professionals in their late 20s and 30s (and turned college students into idiotic high schoolers)? Graduation is more of a chance to post prom pictures online than an actual passage into maturity. I like the novelty of finding out what everyone’s done with themselves and being able to reconnect with old friends, but the thought of still being in contact and going out with these people in another five years… do not want. I feel bad for kids in elementary and high school now- I don’t think they’ll ever lose touch with their classmates, no matter how much they dislike them.