is there any point to "burying the hatchet" with ex's (from 10 years ago) via Facebook?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I just recently got “added”, on Facebook, by one of my ex-girlfriends from back in 2000. She is my one “regret” from my past, not so much in a sense of “she’s the one that got away”, but more that she’s the only on that I ever treated like shit.

The whole time we were dating (our relationship lasted about 6 months), I knew she was still staying in contact with one of her ex’s, and I let it eat at me the whole time. She denied every accusation I made of her while we were together, but the night after she and I broke up, his pickup was parked right outside of her apartment at 3am (she and I lived in the same complex).

I made a complete ass out of myself for months afterwards (“see, I knew you wanted to get back with Steve the whole time!”, blah blah blah). For the rest of the time that she and I lived in the same apartment complex, I would never even say hello to her or even be cordial to her when we crossed paths. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t throw a couple of "Fuck You"s her way, for no other reason than the fact that she was out walking her dog.

Right now, to me, the “elephant in the room” is that I acted like a complete little bitch back then, and I couldn’t deal with the fact that there was someone out there (from her past) that was better for her than I was.

So my question for the Teeming Millions is: is there any point to coming right out and saying “I am so sorry for acting like a total douche to you for the next year, after we broke up, and I moved across town”?

To this point, she and I have had a great Facebook “relationship” (she’s long since dumped Steve, and has gotten happily married to another guy, and squeezed out a couple of kids). We comment and “Like” on each other’s shit, and everything seems to be going okay.

Any reason at all to give some sort of “closure” or to “make right” from things in the past, or is it better to just “let sleeping dogs lie”?

2

Since you’re already Facebook friends and interacting and such, I think there’s probably no harm to apologizing - as long as you don’t make it conditional or try to justify it in any way that comes around to her, or whatever. Send her a private message saying something like, “hey, I appreciate that we can talk here and everything, and I just wanted to tell you that I was a serious asshole back in the day when we broke up, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be a decent human being around you, and I realized since then what an idiot I was.”

Don’t mention the ex being around, don’t mention your suspicions, anything like that. If you don’t think you can keep yourself from going there - even if she follows up with something like “well, you were right about Steve after all” then just fall back on “that’s all in the past, you’re with someone wonderful now and I’m happy for you” - then don’t dig any of this up at all.

3

I made it a point NOT to friend ex girlfriends on Facebook. Especially now married ones. It seems like as soon as they:

  1. Have a marital issue
    and
  2. Start drinking

They get it in their head that ole** jtgain** would be a great person to unload all of their frustrations on. Then start talking about how “we could have worked out.”

No thank you. I have enough problems of my own without succumbing to the temptation to engage in an adulterous fling and stir up a old pot of emotions just to massage my ego. Unfriend!

4

I think Ferret Herder has the right idea. I’d just say something like “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve always felt bad about how I acted when we broke up. I don’t want to get into all the details of it again, but I wanted to let you know that I wish I had handled it better.” Just keep it simple, don’t go into any details or explanations.
I also agree with FH to prepare yourself so you don’t flip out even if she responds with something like, “That’s OK. To be honest, I was cheating on you with him the whole time we were together, so I didn’t blame you for being mad”.
If you truly think you’re ready to let go of the past and not get angry all over again even if she brings up something like that, then I think it’s a nice idea to apologize for the sake of closure and good karma.

5

Thank you for that - I think that is pretty much spot-on.

I’m going to go with that, and when she responds with “Cite?”, I’m going to link her to this thread. :smiley:

6

I agree with the course that you have chosen. Looking her up just to tell her that would have been a bad call. Since she is the one who friended you and you’ve been cordial since then, it’s appropriate to send her a brief note.

7

I would LOVE an apology from an ex. (I would love an apology from a multitude of people.) I would NOT think, ‘hey, he’s putting out a feeler, woo hoo, maybe we’ll have a second chance and try it again’. A simple, uncluttered apology for being a dick all those years ago would be a very nice gesture IMO. And leave it at that, if asked for an explanation, why you’re saying it now, etc. - you don’t have to get into that if you don’t want to, no, try not to expound.

8

I wouldn’t bother, she was probably banging him the whole time.