The missing connection is this: dogs don’t think like people do. Humans, even young children, have a very quick understanding of cause and effect. That’s why when you try this kind of training with a kid, using your example of rewarding for getting off the couch, the kid will get on the couch deliberately so that you ask him to get off again and then give the treat. There are dogs capable of that higher intelligence, but it’s not typical. Most dogs don’t make the cause and effect connection. They associate the reward to the thing that happened no more than a few seconds before the reward.
When we hired a pro trainer to show us how to do basic obedience with our first dog, she mentioned that we should never give the dog a cookie after she goes out to potty and comes back in. She said she gets a lot of clients who do that and later realize that the dog associates the cookie to running back to the door, NOT going potty like they intended!
Sure. I love animals and have had a lot of pets but always wanted a dog because they’re so interactive and affectionate. They’re always happy to see you no matter what. I live alone and it gets lonely sometimes.
I actually didn’t say, I don’t think. It’s Yuki.
Thank you so much for the offer. That is very kind. There are just so many things all coming together that I didn’t expect.
[ul]
[li]I feel guilty leaving him home alone. I have someone let him out midday right now but eventually he’ll have to handle 9-10 hours alone. All my friends with dogs tell me that’s not a big deal but all the people in the dog forums would lynch me if I said that.[/li][li]I worry that he’s barking excessively and disturbing the neighbors while I’m away. I have a mic/camera set up but it’s only good for spot checks. I tried to ask my closest neighbor but I think he’s out of town. He’s been barking at night the last two nights too. [/li][li]I even feel guilty that I come home and spend some time not interacting with him, even right now as I type this. I thought having a dog was a more ebb-and-flow thing, like you spend all day with the dog one day, and the next, maybe you’re busy and the dog doesn’t get as much attention. Not that if I don’t spend hours to tire him out every day his head will explode.[/li][li]I am panicking because (and I apologize, this is going to sound overly dramatic) it feels like my life is over. I really do enjoy walking him and playing with him, it’s just that it is hard to shake the feeling that I’m trapped and my life totally revolves around him.[/li][/ul]
I am naturally a bit of an anxious person, but I waited a very, very long time to make sure it was the right situation for this. I wish I knew if these feelings would pass or if they mean that I’m…like a cat person or something.
Totally valid reason to get a dog. They rock at hanging out and helping with the lonesome.
Cool name!
My two cents, based on the list, is that you ditch the crate. He’s barking in the crate right? Let him hang out with you while you’re home. You don’t have to be interacting, just be in the same room. Leave the crate there if you really think it’s a great tool you can’t let go of, but leave the door open. Give him a chew he can gnaw on while you watch a tv show. Let him sleep on a bed on the floor in your room at night. All of this just means you are giving him fewer excuses to bark, and letting him spend more time with you in a non-stressful way (for you and for him).
Try letting him have a dog proof room in the house while you’re gone, instead of the crate. Hide a few toys. Leave a few of your shirts around for him to find and be re-assured by (or a towel that you sleep on - it’s a smell thing). Since you’re having someone come by in the middle of the day right now, make sure they wear him out. Long walk, dog park, whatever it is, so he’s good and tired for a while. Try leaving a tv show or radio on while you’re out of the apartment, so he’s hearing voices while you’re out. Keep doing the spot checks on him and get a sense of what his routine is.
Japanese breeds are usually pretty low activity indoor dogs, so he should settle down in that regard. I would really put the dog trainer on the list for the walking and socializing. They can be tricky in those areas.
And, remember, your life is changed. You have a new buddy, who will provide you that companionship you were looking for. But you aren’t trapped. You can still leave him for a few hours and go to dinner with friends. You can get a pet sitter and go on vacation. It feels like a big change right now, because he depends on you, but he’s not a human baby. It will be OK.
Just read your list, and I think you’ll be fine. The adjustment period can be stressful for both the new owner and the dog, but it will calm down. Nothing you’ve said is a red flag to me.
As to your specific concerns:
I leave my dogs for that long. They just sleep. It’s true that there are people on dog forums who will crucify you for this. Ignore them. I don’t know how they expect single, working people to have dogs. And many, many of us have wonderful, happy dogs who get their naps in while we earn food and vet money.
It may very well be he’s barking now because it’s all new to him, and he hasn’t figured out the routine. A trainer can help you get to the bottom of why and if it’s an issue, but I will say all my dogs have barked more in the adjustment period, and then they learned it wasn’t going to do anything.
Stop feeling guilty. Walk the dog and play with him/do some training for a period each night , and then chill. When the dog is new, he will probably want to play with you every second, but he’ll be fine if you don’t. Just let him hang out in the same room as you, and he’ll be fine.
I get that it can seem overwhelming. You have a responsibility to another living thing now. He depends on you. It’s scary the first time. But I’ll let you in on a secret: dogs aren’t that hard. We’ve bred them for thousands of years to fit into our lives, and they do it pretty well. You’re not trapped. A girlfriend/boyfriend can be a much bigger hassle than a dog! If you get a last minute invite, the dog will be fine by himself for a couple hours. If you want to go out of town, there are kennels and dog sitters. If you make a mistake, dogs are pretty flexible. I made several when I had my first dog. She figured me out and there was nothing a few training sessions couldn’t fix.
Ditch it 100%? He does sometimes go inside it on his own to sleep. I have a pet enclosure coming in next week so I can wall off some space for him. I was thinking of just leaving his crate in there as well.
Thanks! That is bit of a relief. I did not expect to have so many OMG I WANT TO GIVE HIM BACK RIGHT NOW feelings.
One of my favorite outdoor activities is taking the dogs and a pipe out rambling in the woods. I occasionally get a little lost, but I’m always within a mile or two of home.
ETA:
Yes, that is definitely screaming out in everything you have posted here. To be quite candid, this degree of anxiety over owning a dog seems out of proportion. I would strongly suggest considering an appointment with a therapist to talk about how to cope with anxiety, because I have a hunch that it probably affects other aspects of your life too. I am not saying this to be mean, but because I really think you would benefit from working on how to let go of this anxiety. It’s probably controlling your life in ways that are making you less happy, just from the sound of how it has affected your ability to enjoy having a dog.
You really, really need to get your dog to a good trainer. When I took my Ripley for the first time, I did a one-hour private session. The trainer really knew her stuff, and I got to see within that one hour how good a dog Ripley was and how well she could behave with someone who knew how to handle her, which I absolutely didn’t. I had a lot of preconceived notions about letting a dog just behave like I thought a dog should, and if I had let our relationship continue in that fashion she would not be with me today.
Thank you for your feedback; you’re probably right. I do seem to have an anxiety problem. Believe it or not, I didn’t even notice I did until fairly recently. It is the way I’ve always been, and with nothing to compare it to, I thought it was normal. The dog has really turned it to 11 though.
Yeah, I need to take him to a professional. I’m at my wit’s end. I thought dogs were supposed to be terrors early and then adjust and improve, but my dog was great early and seems to be getting worse. I’m afraid to even take him into a group class because he growls and lunges at every dog. I’ve been trying to use his walks to train him to calm down but I can’t make any headway because people will let their unleashed dogs run circles around him and he spazzes out.
90% of what you will work on in the first 16 weeks of dog training classes is “walking on a leash.” No shit. It’s not as automatic as it may seem. I live in a little suburban neighborhood with a lot of dogs but very few other people walk their dogs because I suspect they can’t. They literally do not know how. I walk mine almost every day because we all went through obedience class and we’re pros at it. People stop their cars and say “OMG YOUR DOGS ARE SO GOOD!” just because they can walk on a leash.
Seriously, for every person you see effortlessly walking their dogs down the street, there are 10 more hiding inside because their pups are 5 years old and still pull and lunge.
I have a friend who had a puppy and she didn’t want to take the puppy to obedience school until the puppy learned to walk on a leash because she was embarrassed. I had to tell her that “walk on leash” is what obedience class is FOR!
Also, an anxious person with no dog training experience is not doing either of you any favors by trying to train the dog alone. Spending time with the dog and bonding is awesome and crucial but you are most likely regressing daily with training because you don’t know how to deal with a dog that needs training. Don’t put it off!
PS - My Grady is 3 and has been to 16 weeks of dog obedience class, and I’ve personally been to about 100 weeks of obedience class, and he still spazzes out if we’re on a walk and he sees other dogs (in certain situations). Some dogs just do this, it’s not your fault. Not all dogs have to do this, though, it can be corrected But I’ll bet you it doesn’t freak me out as much as it does you because of training.
You’ve only had him for what … a week? And you, who’ve never owned a dog before, are expecting him to be well trained and settled down?
I think you’re suffering from New Parent Syndrome. He’s your first “child”. You’re not sure what you’re doing. Everything is new and scary. You expectations are not matching your experience and you’re freaking out about it all. When you have your second child, you’ll be much more relaxed.
You need to get him into classes now - partly for his sake but mostly for your own. Don’t wait until you imagine your dog will be better behaved. He’s nine months old. That’s plenty old enough to learn his manners. You personally need a more experienced trainer to help you understand what your dog is going through and to help you both learn together.
The good news is, a good trainer will help both of you work together to become an effective team.
To answer your immediate questions - you need to find a quiet, private, corner where you and your dog can work alone. If there are other people around, your puppy will get distracted. You need a special quiet time apart from the walks to do his homework.
Your dog is getting more rambunctious now that you’ve had him for a little bit because he’s becoming more comfortable in his new surroundings. He’s starting to trust that this is his new home. But he’s still a pup and unsure of himself, so he’s pushing to find his boundaries. It’s normal. Going to classes will help you both learn to communicate and trust each other.
It’s going to be ok - but you need to slow down and find your own comfort zone with him. You will be your dog’s person for his whole life. You need to work on building your relationship with him. It’s a long term project but the rewards are worth it.
Oh - and he’s been neutered, right? Now’s the time for that, if you haven’t taken care of it yet.
Oh, boy. Thank you for asking. It’s been really uneven. Some things have improved a little. I have a better sense of when he needs to be let out (and he seems to have a steel bladder), so I don’t worry as much about coming home to an accident. And I found a new dog walker who can come in every day while I’m at work.
That said, I am so exhausted. Day or night, he’ll bark/growl at either something he hears outside or sometimes apparently at absolutely nothing. I can’t sleep through the night anymore. I’ve never been so tired in my life. I’m just going through the motions right now. Even walking him is a chore because if I see someone approaching with a dog I have to turn around and go right back before he goes and attacks it. But sometimes you turn around and there’s another dog, and then you have to run right off the path and hide.
Yes, he’s already neutered.
Did they let Grady into the regular dog class? I reached out to a trainer but they won’t allow reactive dogs into the regular class; he has to go into a special reactive-dog class.
Your dog can sense your frustration and worry when you see another dog. He’s going to get the idea that the other dogs are scary when he sees you run away. He needs to learn to socialize appropriately. For now, don’t turn and hide or run away. Step off to the side, or even in the street, and keep your dog moving forward and past the other dog in a business like manner. Tell the other person that your dog’s still a rude boy and doesn’t play nice so that they’ll know to keep their own dogs away. That will help. Most dog owners have been through the rude puppy years at some point. Communication is everything!
Have you seen Victoria Stillwell’s videos on leash training? She’s got a great approach to learning to work with your dog’s natural excitement and also his natural limitations. It’s a good video because the dog is about the same age as your little beast.
And here’s a page where she talks about dogs who aggressive on a leash - https://positively.com/dog-behavior/aggression/leash-aggression/
I like Stillwell’s approach because it focuses on learning to communicate effectively and directing your dog’s natural focus and movement into positive directions.
Being in a reactive class might be helpful or it might be stressful - depending on his classmates. You might ask the trainer for some private one-on-one time. Your pup’s not a bad dog - there are no bad dogs! He’s just young and confused about his new life as your companion. A private class or two might let you nip his aggressive tendencies in the bud.
Grady was in regular class. But I knew the trainer and she knew me from all my years in her class with my golden retriever. I can’t see her ever separating dogs into reactive or not, at least not until she’s had a chance to see them in action and decides she can’t help them (she usually can). I’m disappointed that the person you reached out to took your word on it that he is “reactive” - every dog has a problem walking on a leash and seeing other dogs at first. The trainer should suggest a “beginner” class not a bad dog class.
As for night barking make sure you’re not yelling at him. When you yell at a barking dog they think you’re joining in on the howl too. Tell him ok ok and get him to come to you, divert his attention and get him to come back to sleep. If you see his ears prick up you can pre-empt the barking by saying ok ok. Let him know that Big Dog hears it too and it’s no problem.
I have read the second page, and that’s actually what I was trying. The problem is, he goes from 0-100 immediately when he detects a dog. And then he stiffens up and totally ignores his treats. He doesn’t even sniff them. Just freezes looking straight ahead.
I’ve only had him for like 9 days so it’s essentially just a really long boarding if I give him back, right? He wouldn’t go to a shelter or anything, his previous owner would just find him a more suitable family.
Some dogs are really motivated by food - some aren’t. If food isn’t going to distract him enough, then you could try a squeaky toy, perhaps. But mostly it’s a matter of time and familiarity to get him settled down.
As far as giving him back - the dog would be fine, provided the previous owner is willing to take him. I have no idea if that owner will or won’t. You’ll have to ask him.
I really do think a few private lessons with a sympathetic trainer would do wonders for you both, though.
Most of the advice in this thread is really solid advice for dealing with a normal dog. In particular, I concur with Merneith in endorsing Victoria Stillwell’s methods.
I want to point out that training of some kind (group or single) will be good for the dog’s psychology. It sounds weird to us monkeys, but dogs who are told what to do, do it, and get a reward feel more in control of their lives than otherwise. They know what is expected of them, and they know that doing that will produce a reward (treat, petting, toy, praise, etc.). They have so little control in the human world that simply knowing what brings a reward helps them feel they have control, and having a human who can show them these things helps them feel like they are secure in a properly-run pack. You may find that just going to classes produces a dog who sleeps through the night better and is less anxious.
Speaking of sleeping through the night…are you open to the possibility of sleeping with the dog? Some people love it, some strictly forbid it. It’s cool if you don’t want to – we’ve had dogs perfectly happy to sleep in their own beds on the floor beside ours – but perhaps he’s unhappy at night because he really wants to snuggle up in a pile with you.
It’s also possible that you do not have a “normal” dog. We’ve had a bad experience with a seriously reactive dog…just the one, but boy, that was rough. You might not be able to tell, but an animal behaviorist could do an evaluation and let you know. At least talk to a trainer on the phone and convey your concerns…you may need a professional’s eye.
I just wanted to say that, yes, if you took on the dog you need to know make sure that it is looked after. However, it seems to me that all the advice here is directed towards keeping the dog. Personally, I think that yes, you should give it at good go, but if it is really taking over life and this doesn’t improve, perhaps you made a mistake and you’ve discovered that you aren’t a dog person (or a dog-owning person) after all. Why wouldn’t that be okay, too? Of course, you need to make sure the dog gets a good home, but I don’t see why people here think returning him isn’t an option, when you are clearly not very happy with the situation.
