Zenster,
I’m probably a lot more bloody-minded than most of the folks on the board, but I would strongly recommend than you not mess up your life to mess up this guy’s life.
If he’s going to be sent up for this, believe me, he is going to be one very miserable individual.
My advice, for what it’s worth, is to give your friend and his nieces all the support you can.
I know I’m repeating other people here, but the worst thing for those girls is for them to get the idea that it was their fault, or that they are irreparably ‘damaged goods’. (I hate that expression!)
Unfortunately, kids do get those kinds of ideas from the way adults treat them in the aftermath.
(I’m not a therapist, I’m just repeating what I was told by a cousin who was molested as a child.)
In fact, I probably ought to shut up now, as I see you’ve posted again while I was composing this post.
I am the friend Zenster was referring to in the original post.
It was my beautiful little nieces who were subjected to this creature’s depravity. They are as of right now 7 and 9, and they have been in contact with the individual in question for several years. He is my sister’s best friend’s ex-husband. (Ex since they found out he was abusing her oldest daughter last year.)
They have since discovered and charged him for at least 15 counts of child molestation, including my nieces, and my sister’s best friend’s 4 children, three girls and a boy I believe.
He is a blight upon the face of this world, and I shudder to think of him going basically unpunished for all the grief and terror he has caused all these children. Prison alone is NOT a fitting punishment for these crimes. That’s why I am absolutely determined to make sure that other inmates receive not only information about the reasons he will be there, but I’m going to make sure they get pictures of some of the children he abused.
I know it isn’t going to make things right for any of the children involved, but it will help my peace of mind knowing in the future that he will be incapacitated, rendered incapable of performing this kind of horrible act in the future.
Thank you for all your support, I read all the messages and I appreciate all the viewpoints presented so far, including the viewpoint opposing my plan to make his deeds known to the other inmates. While I appreciate the sentiment of mercy, and I usually am a big advocate of forgiveness, I cannot and will not this time. I would not be able to forgive myself for not doing my best to make sure this never happens to another child by his hand.
Thank you for starting this thread, old friend. It helps to know others feel the same disgust and anger for this tragedy.
ParadygmShift
(yes I know it’s not spelled correctly, but the correct spelling was already taken as an AOL screenname)
ParadygmShift and Zenster, my heart goes out to you both and to the little girls who suffered this monstrosity. Although I don’t have wise words to help in this situation, my thoughts and prayers will be with you.
I certainly sympathize with your efforts to be sure this creature is punished, but please take care to keep your vengeance separate from your treatment of the girls, and as much of a sidenote to your lives as possible. The children need an abundance of love and harmony, and it would be best to put your all into loving those children and making their home secure and inviolate.
Clearly you both want to be the girls’ champions, but I would caution you NOT to give any prisoner, even those there on much lesser charges, pictures of any child, especially those you want to protect in all ways. If you are going to inform other prisoners of this monster’s sins, do it with words, not pictures. The people who would see the pictures may be just as vile. Why expose the children, even in a roundabout way, to more monsters? Let the prisoners be prisoners (with all the nastiness that entails). Do not name the children or describe them to the inmates. It can’t lead to anything appropriate.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, and my heart goes out to these children and their families.
It is possible that this individual (I decline to use the word person) WAS abused as a child. So what? That may be a reason, but it is not in ANY sense of the word an excuse.
I am a totally non-violent person. I do not believe that violence ever solves ANYTHING. I really don’t think that I could ever kill someone if they broke into my home and threatened me, even if I had the means to do so.
However, if someone did to one of my loved ones what this scum did to these children, I think I would want to kill them. It is possible that I even have it within myself to actually DO that. I REALLY hope and pray that I never have to find out.
My prayers and my heart are with your nieces and the other children involved. And with you, also. I pray that you will all find a way to heal, to grow stronger and to not let this beat you down, but to turn it around and come through the fire changed in a positive way. I know it will take time, but I believe it can be done.
Holy shit Zenster got your message to step in here.
Feelings of rage against the perp are totally understandable, etc.
Focus should be on doing what’s best for the kids.
Actual things you can do:
Make certain that you cooperate fully with the prosecutor, go to court on sentencing day, see if you are able to speak, write a letter to the judge telling of what the residual effects for the children. See if your state has a policy of letting victims make statements to parole boards etc. (some do) See if you can get your statements included in his institutional file.
Get counseling - certainly for the children, and for yourself as well. For a parent, I can’t imagine anything worse than feeling that you were not able to protect your child. Please, get some help dealing with this. It was not your fault, nor theirs.
Keep in mind that if you are helping prosecute the perp, you are doing the one very best thing for your kids now. (from my informal knowledge of how folks do with this - the ones who know the perp was prosecuted do better than others).
While I don’t want to minimize the trauma, please also know that it isn’t necessarily if handled correctly now going to scar them forever. We can’t change what has happened, but you can work to make your family strong again. The folks I knew that were really screwed up permanently about it were those who did not get counseling and their family decided not to help prosecute for various reasons.
So you’re already on the road to recovery. Except for the suggestions above about dealing with the court system, don’t waste much more of your time focusing on him. He’s not worth your time. In most places, the sex offenders are segregated from General Population (if for no other reason than for the simplicity of having all the ones needing that special counseling in the same place).
The basis for my statements - I’ve worked for 20+ years in community corrections, working with ex offenders. Some of them had been victims, some perpetrators, some both.
Thanks Wring, for the great advice. A lot of you have expressed concern that my friend or I might go outside of the law to visit some sort of revenge upon the perpetrator. Please rest assured that we have no such intention. We will seek to ensure his misery. My friend will probably be most active in that effort. I, as his friend, can only assure him of full backup, if and when he needs any. That is the least that I can do.
I know that my friend is grateful for all the people who have shown up in this thread with their kind words and advice. I know him well enough that I can confidently say that he appreciates even the opposing viewpoints. It is one of the big reasons that I love him so dearly. Once again, thanks to all of you.