I’ve got this questionaire thingy that I have to fill out for work and then they’re going to post them at work with grimaces photographs and everything.
Anyway, one of the questions is “What’s the best advice you’ve ver gotten?” So, does anyone have any good advice that I can use? I’m looking for something both humorous and profound. All the advice my parents gave me is just too blah to use.
In a race between a turtle and a clam don’t put all your eggs in one hatching.
There are two rules to success:
Duck!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
It’s a small world. So you’ve got to use your elbows a lot.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.
You can’t strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
Who gossips to you will gossip of you.
When someone says, “Do you want my opinion?” - it’s always a negative one.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
The trouble with work is - it’s so daily.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.
Take a gander at Dispair, inc.
Oh, you meant good advice?
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse is likely to happen to you all day.
Remain seated, please.
Consider this dismaying observation: this chamber has no windows, and no doors. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find [dramatic pause] a way out! Of course, there’s always my way…
Some people think it’s bad to be anal retentive. I’d hate to see the alternative!
It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you come home for dinner 
Always… no, wait, never… forget to check your references.
Goo-y-ness is next to Godliness
Leechbabe is a very intelligent woman with amazing insight
Some words of wisdom from Homer Simpson:
“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”
“I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.”
“Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.”
“Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except for weasels.”
“People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!”