Need some advice here, as I’ve NEVER been to a christening before, and now it’s my own little grandson (now aged 10 months old). I’m the paternal grandma.
Backstory: the mummy and daddy of the grandson are not religious in any way, shape or form. The GRANDFATHER (mummy’s dad) was raised Catholic but hasn’t been inside a church for at least 50 years. It’s the GREAT-grandmother who would like to see her great-grandson christened according to the faith.
Which is all well and good, and she’s very old and not likely to live out the year according to all the medics, but SHE LIVES 2000km away.
So my son rang today to ‘invite’ me to the christening (he offered to pay for my airfares, which was very kind). But apart from airfares, I can’t afford to take ANY time off work (major car repairs ensuing plus a holiday that is sort-of half paid for in November) mean that every day I miss from work means a crappy holiday and stress.
I understand that my DIL’s dad’s MUM is very keen to make sure that the kid doesn’t get sent to purgatory or whatever, but FFS, I don’t care at all. He is a beautiful little tot (with a temper, just like his daddy hah!) and I understand that it is considered important that I be there, but I DON’T CARE for any of the shit…and I don’t want my kid to pay for my token presence whilst at the same time I’m going to be losing wages from not working.
TL/dr, grandkid getting christened a LONG way away, I’m a card-carrying atheist and nor can I afford to take time off work for the journey.
I’m a different sort of Christian to what it sounds like Great Gran is (ain’t nobody getting christened in our church just to please an elderly relative if the rest of the family don’t actually believe in any of it) but I’d say “sorry can’t make it” without even two seconds worry. Kiddo doesn’t need you to be there in order for it to be a real christening. In fact, nobody but the kid and the priest have to be there in order for it to be a real christening.
Is anybody actually going to crack it with you if you don’t go? And if so, what on earth for?
Yeah, don’t go. It sounds like your son and daughter-in-law won’t hold it against you (which they shouldn’t). And other than that, who cares?
Come to think of it, it just now occurs to me - nearly 19 years later - that I don’t think my parents were at the baptism of my son, their only grandchild. I only went through with it to please my husband’s family (my FIL was a minister, and he performed the ceremony). They were all in attendance, and the baptism was held at my FIL’s church. We’ve got some lovely photos, and the extended family on my husband’s side was pleased. All I had to do was grit my teeth and say “yes” when asked to affirm I would raise my son as a Christian. (I lied, in order to preserve family harmony.)
But anyway, I’m quite serious in saying I don’t think anyone even noticed that my parents didn’t attend. They’d have had to travel halfway across the country; presumably everyone thought it was too far for them to go, and didn’t give it another thought.
You’re an atheist and thus don’t care about the event itself.
#1 is the only thing that’s relevant here. You can’t afford to go, so you can’t go. Easy.
You not jiving with the religious aspect of the event isn’t super important - you’re being invited to a family event that’s important to your family. You put up with it in the same way you put up with dance recitals or school plays.
So be honest about #1 and don’t bring up #2. It’ll make you look like exactly as much of a jerk as if you’d said you weren’t attending his high school graduation because you don’t care about meaningless ceremonies.
Why not have someone live stream or Skype the happy event? That way you can enjoy the momentary splash of water and the 30 minutes of unhappy baby from the comfort of your home.
I’m sure that you’d rather see the grandkid when you would have plenty of one on one time with him rather than when there are a ton of other relatives there. That’s what I’d say. Your son is being kind by offering to pay for the flight and also, I assume, doesn’t want to insult you by making you feel snubbed. I’m sure it won’t cause discord by sitting this out.
Agreed with Johnny Bravo. If it’s a hardship to attend then don’t attend. Send the kid a nice savings bond if you’re able. The atheist aspect doesn’t really register in my opinion – there’s lots of family stuff that I personally have no attachment to, aside from the fact that it’s my family and that’s why I go. I’m not seeing a school play or graduation or whatever because I’m invested in the event; I’m going because THEY’RE invested in the event and I care about them as family.
That sums it up. There’s no expectation from the Church that everybody attending a Catholic Baptism (which is the term if it’s Catholic, though it’s not a particular problem to use the term ‘christening’) is a Catholic. The point mentioned above about parents/god parents lying about their beliefs and commitment during the ceremony is a little different but not directly relevant here. The grandparents aren’t asked to make any commitment, they are just attending, or not.
If you can’t afford to go, you can’t afford to go. But since ‘afford’ or not is seldom an absolute I think it might be more honest to just say it doesn’t matter enough to you your kid wants you to be there (or you sense your kid doesn’t really care that much either actually), to make it happen.
As others said, since you can’t afford to go (even with your son paying your airfare), you shouldn’t go.
However, I think it might be a good idea to send a present. A check for a relatively modest amount would be fine.
I’m assuming by the fact that you gave the distance in km instead of miles that you’re not in the US. If the country of residence for your grandkid has something similar to our 529 plans – a tax-preferred account for college expenses – it might be nice to make a donation to that account if one exists, or to urge your son to set one up for his child.
I don’t think I would send more than a card, to be honest. It’s not his birthday. It’s an event created by a different family member. No present required.
Let your son know that you can’t afford to take off work (truth), that you’d love to see the extended family and the kid (truth), and send a card. You may ask for pics if you are so inclined.
ETA: Ninja’ed by Ulfreida!
Practicing Roman Catholic here, saying: don’t go. The occasion shouldn’t be one of stress and worry for you. Send a card; perhaps you can craft a line or two that expresses your sorrow that you can’t share in the celebration and your wishes for everyone’s happiness without compromising your own convictions about the fundamentally illusory nature of the proceedings. But even if you were a faithful Knight Commander of the Order of the Holy Sepulchre, your concerns about the trip are perfectly legitimate.
Agree with the people who said the religious nature of the event is irrelevant. If you avoided all religious events, you’d have to skip most weddings, even though the religious bit is usually just lip service. If you can’t afford to go and your son doesn’t care, don’t go.
It’s a little relevant in that it is part of the reason this trip isn’t worth a significant sacrifice for her (like giving up the upcoming vacation). I totally, 100% agree that it isn’t worth it and she shouldn’t go, but part of the reason it isn’t worth it is because the ceremony is meaningless to her (and even, apparently, to her son). If she decides that going to visit for the baby’s first birthday or something IS worth it to her later, that’s okay too.
Thanks all for the replies, I appreciate the responses. I have decided (but not yet told them) that I will not be attending. I’m hoping not to be considered a Naughty Nanna of course.
FTR, I see the little bloke every few weeks (they live just 80km away) so many weekends are spent heading down the road to have a chance to hang out with him. I bid my son and his partner a cursory HELLO, then get down and dirty with the kidlet. I love my grandson/s to bits…their parents on the other hand…
