I recently found out that an old friend had died back in 2008.
I saw him last in 2007 and tried to see him many times after then but he was always a little hard to make contact with. He lived in a very, very small town a few hours away from where I live and only rarely had a phone or a regular place of work. To visit, I would have to drive there to see if he was home.
I heard directly from the person who made the arrangments for my old friend’s burial that he was buried in “a city cemetary” in a larger town nearby, but the person who made the burial arrangements said that they had never visited the site and was not sure exactly where it was. It was a chance encounter that I met this person while attempting to locate my old friend and I am unlikely to see this person again.
I’m attempting to locate my old friend’s grave (unsucessfully so far) as I’m pretty sure the person who arranged for his burial did not purchase a marker. (I wish I had asked more questions.)
If I do locate my friend’s grave, I would like to purchase a marker for it (if it doesn’t have one already). I just hate the thought they my old friend may be buried without a proper headsone or marker of some kind. I know a marker doesn’t matter much but it bothers me that he may not have one.
I’ve never even been remotely close to the purchase of a gravestone or marker before. I am aware that they come in quite a variety of materials and styles.
Has anyone here every purchased such an item? Any idea as to what to consider or what I may expect in regards to cost?
I was involved in getting them fo my father and grandparents.* We just went to the monument place and discussed what we wanted. There were samples of the tombstones and books of options for engraving. The person was very professional and answered all our questions.There are many options and prices that you can discuss with them.
*They were cremated and were in the family vault - an actual safe in the back of my family’s store. My grandfather’s ashes were put there because he had specified what to do with them. My grandmother thought it was appropriate, so hers were there after she died.
If you know the name of the cemetery, call them. They know who’s buried there.
Search the websites of his hometown newspaper and the big city newspaper for his obituary.
My cousin, who is deep into genealogy, visits cemeteries and purchases markers for ancestors who don’t have one. You can find a basic plaque for $100 or less. You can order them online. Or, once you find the cemetery, the proprietors can give you some suggestions.
So, maybe a bit of a TMI personal drama, but when my mother died, my grandmother went into a deep clinical depression and had to be institutionalized for a time, and I had too much on my plate to worry about putting up a tombstone. But once she was better, several months later she got really concerned about the issue. We went to a local memorial maker and they showed us a book with example stones and text types (different sizes, shapes, types of stone) and told us that they could do custom designs. Since the whole family was into often beachcombing, my grandmother wanted some element of that put into the stone design, so I dug around finding various clip-art online (back when I was on a 56k modem) and mocked up something fairly quick and dirty to e-mail the company, assuming that it was one step in a process of a custom artwork that they would make (sort of like if you make a concept drawing for a tattoo artist.) But they actually just took the file that I sent them and made a rubber mold and sandblasted it into the stone exactly as I had sent it to them, font, clip art, and all. If I had known that they were doing that, I would have put a bit more work into it, but oh, well. (I also managed to put in my grandmoter’s birthday of August 28th instead of my mother’s birthday of June 28th and neither of us noticed it. Annoying, but in the long term it doesn’t make a difference.) Quick and painless process (possibly a little too quick, as I indicated above.) Cost around $600-$800 15 years ago for this.
The funeral home should have placed some sort of temporary grave marker at the grave, findagrave.com might have a photo of that. At the very least the funeral home should have a record of the location of the burial site. And, for that matter, the operator of the gravesite would need to have that information. It should honestly be pretty easy to track down.
I have bought a few and I actually have a replaced stone in my back yard. (When Grandpap died he got a simple-long-story single stone and when Gramma died ages later we got them a nice double stone. Said old stone became a family heirloom of sorts)
SINCE YOU ARE NOT A BLOOD RELATIVE or holder/named-player on the deed to the grave, it may not be possible for you to have a marker installed. Some cemetery associations have real specific rules about who can do what. My (blood) uncle and (married into the family) aunt have no marker and her nieces were the ones to purchase their grave as executors of their estate. So far they have refused to allow me/my side of the family to purchase a stone or marker at our expense; their desire is to just leave things as they are. The cemetery rules are on their side so …
Talk to the cemetery before you get your plans in place or hopes up.
Thanks everyone for your advice and hints.
I had already tried various on-line search sites without any luck. I also tried local newpapers, obits, and contacting family or friends. I could not locate any news stories, obits, or family. The person who arranged for the burial gave me the date of death and the one friend we had left in common confirmed that date but lives in another state and does not know anything about the burial location.
My friend was not married, had no children, both parents are deceased, and had only one sibling with whom there was not a good relationship. This sibling continues to live in the family’s childhood home with a spouse but has declined to respond to my request for contact and/or information.
I tried to look up the city cemetaries in the small town where my friend is buried but could not locate any phone numbers or any other information about the managers of the cemetaries in the town. Surely cemetaries are managed by someone? Yes?
I have sent emails to the two local funeral parlors in the town. I hope maybe one of them can help me locate the burial spot. I suppose I maybe could drive there one day and walk the three-ish cemetaries in the town to see if I could locate any marker (or one of the small markers that one finds when no formal headstone/marker is placed.)
It was suggested I contact the town clerk since my friend was said to have been buried “in a city cemetary in (insert small town name)”. I have called the town clerk two times and left messages but have not had either call returned.
If I am unable to locate the ‘final resting place’ of my friend, I may just “choose” another place to honor his memory. I just hate that my friend is forgotten when he had such a large unfluence on my life. But really, that’s all it really is, isn’t it: How we influence others.
If nothing else, once the search is over, shoot me a PM ------ I’m curious now how its all going to turn out. I like going another route to honor his memory. My late BIL does have a grave and marker we can visit but we also purchased a few “memorial bricks” with his name on them for a couple amusement parks and other places he (and we) visited often. Something you may want to consider.
I recently visited my parents graves and they have slabs with names and birth and death date. I researched some stand up markers, headstones, and they are very expensive. Like over 5K. Obviously I should check with someone local to the site.
Prices vary quite a bit. For my in-laws the stone was just under 5 (BIL is there as well); for my Dad a similar sized and intricate stone was closer to 2k. Mileage varies widely just in one small area and shopping around is a must unless you have a high budget or some personal reason for picking one dealer over another.
(When BIL died, FIL and MIL went with one particular vendor because that was traditionally who their families had used for a couple generations. My family shops more since we’re a little too spread out geographically to have “heirloom” sellers.)
Yeah, I figured that the prices in my area (the foothills of South Carolina) were possibly on the lower end, since the granite might have been mined within an hour or two’s drive from where it was sold. Plenty of quarries for Snowboarder bo to litter.
Well, I’m just stunned and stumped so far.
The person who arranged for my friend’s burial has followed up with me a little bit (via FB). She described an unhappy event that occured between them and reports that my friend had killed himself as a result of that event. She told me that they were dating, that my friend had molested two of her children, and that having this discovered caused him to take his life.
She also told me that my friend told her that he had been molested by a Priest (or Priests) and had also been raped by (possibly) football players while in college but “that it would never occur to her that he would do the same” with her children.
I had never heard any of this from my friend.
I’m having a hard time with this news and can only say that molesting children would have been out of character for the man I knew. We dated for several years a long while ago and while it didn’t work out for us, we remained friends. I had known this man since the late 1970’s and never saw anything that led me to believe that he had any sexual interest in children.
The woman he was dating and who made the final arrangements for my friend had previously told me she had him buried in “a city cemetary” in a small town in our state, and that she has never visited his grave. She said in her follow-up contact with me that his body had been taken by “the Rangers,” that he had wanted to be cremated, and that she had him buried instead. She said that it was a difficult process for her to make the arrangements and she still has a hard time thinking about it today.
I would much like to ask more questions about her time with him (and where he is buried and if he has a marker) but it doesn’t seem very appropriate in light of this information.
I had presumed that I would not hear from the woman who told me of his death again and I had already called the city in question two times a week apart in an attempt to locate my friend’s gravesite. No one answered the phone for those two calls and I left a message both times.
There were no resources such as phone numbers or maps to the city graveyard(s) on-line or at any of the websites suggested above.
I had also called the two funeral parlors in the town who only referred me back to the city’s offices that I had already called and not heard back from.
I tried to see if the small town where my friend lived or the larger town nearby where he was presumabley buried had any records available on-line and didn’t find much. There was no obituary, no newspaper notices, no “Sheriff Reports” in the small town papers… just nothing.
I called the town again today and this time was able to speak with someone in the town’s administration office that oversees the city cemetaries. The city employee said she had received both of my previous calls and was attempting to search the city records. This city clerk continued to look through her records while I was on the phone. She said that she was unable to locate any burial plot in either of the two city cemetary properties in the name of my friend. She also looked for the name of the woman who said she had arranged for the burial but did not find her name in the records either. The city employee also checked the “pauper section” of the city cemetary and said that neither my friend nor the woman who made his burial arrangements names appeared there either.
I am very saddened at the thought of how my old friend’s life ended. We were friends for well over 30 years. It’s true that we didn’t have much contact after the year he met his girlfriend, but he had told me about her and seemed very exicted and happy. That was the last time we spoke. My sister, who had introduced us, had also died shortly after had I last visited my friend (also of suicide) and I just didn’t want to tell him about it, so didn’t call or stop by that year. And I was distracted by marriage and children although my spouse and kids had met a this old friend several times.
When I tried to follow up with my old friend again, I was unable to locate him. His parents had died, his house seemed to decay. I presumed he had moved away with the woman he told me he had met, but I continued to try to locate him and now I find out about this horrible turn of events.
I’m just not sure what to think.
Is the girlfriend telling the truth?
Why isn’t my friend buried where she said he was?
I know people change, make bad decisions, etc., but molesting children?
I never saw any indication of that.
I never heard stories of my friend being molested or raped, and we were close.
Maybe people didn’t talk about stuff like that way back when we were a couple.
Or maybe even the suggestion that he would molest a child (children!) was enough to make my very pacifist friend (who never owned a gun or showed the slightest interest in weapons; He was a high school basketball coach and sports afficianado) buy (or obtain) a gun.
I just don’t know what to think.
I;m pretty sure there is not way to find out “The Truth” of what happened so I guess I’ll just need to proceed to “Plan B”, which is making my own memorial to an old friend and better times.
I know this works (at least here). My wife had two siblings die at birth- a year apart and are buried in a cemetery with no known markers. The helpful people were able to tell us exactly where and enabled us to locate them even though this happened in the 60’s.
My gut feeling is that the girlfriend is lying, at least about some things. If someone I knew molested my children, I would not be helping with their final arrangements – except maybe to donate their body to a body farm.
I’m stil lkind of reeling from this news.
I looked again for any news from the very small town or the small town nearlby and didn’t find anything.
I tried to locate my friend’s sister but was not able to find her. He had no wife or children and both of his parents died long ago. I tried to find a mutual friend we shared with whom my friend was close but was not successful.
I’m wondering what other resources I have.
If my friend did kill himself, wouldn’t there be some kind of documentatin of that? Could I call the local police office or sheriff and ask? Wouldn’t a suicide death have any inquiry or investigation of some kind? Why would “the Rangers” have been involved? Did the girlfriend make a complaint to any authority about the ‘discovered molestation’? Is that something I could find out about? What happened to my friend’s property? Wouldn’t his estate need to have been processed (probated?) in a formal way?
I’m having a difficult time with this.
All of those are answers that vary from place to place. Depending on how much you want to know, how much time you want to spend, and finances most can be learned but its not always an easy task. Especially with suicides since some jurisdictions classify that more in terms of “medical” information and are hesitant to release it without some reason to someone inquiring after the fact.
Are you sure you knew this person by their real name? Maybe the name he gave you wasn’t, and that’s why you can’t find any information.
Stranger things have probably happened.