Placing a marker at a grave when it's not a relative

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

The short version: How does one go about placing a market at a gravesite (in a cemetary) when one isn’t related to the deceased? What’s the process and how much might it cost?

The long version: About 15 years ago, Hallgirl2 was friends with a boy that lived the next block over. We’ll call his Shawn because that’s what his name was.

Shawn had it very rough. In late elementary and early middle school, he and his dad would have horrible fights–often Shawn would show up at our doorstep, having been thrown out of his house. He often ate dinner with us (again, not allowed in his own house) and he spent an incredible about of time at our house. Sometimes I would wake up in the morning and find Shawn camped out in our back yard because his dad had thrown him out. His mother would slide clean clothes out the back window for him (after dear old dad threw him out) so Shawn could go to the school the next day, until dad found out about it and put a stop to the clean clothes. As a result of his lovely home life, Shawn would often get into fights at school and was frequently suspended and eventually expelled.

However, he was a really good kid–funny and polite and got along with our family. He was smart and often helped around the house.

Then, we moved out of state. Hallgirl2 begged me to take Shawn with us, and although I regret it to this day, I told her that as many times as his father threw him out of the house and as horrible as they were to him, it would technically be kidnapping to take him with us. I often thought of sending him a bus ticket, but never did.

A few years later, Hallgirl2 went back to the area. She discovered that couple of weeks before her visit, Shawn had hung himself in his father’s garage. Fifteen years later it still makes me want to weep to think of it.

Today, she’s back visiting the area, and like she does every time she goes, she visits Shawn’s grave. There’s not a marker there. No headstone, no flowers, nothing. Just a forgotten spot in the cemetary where Shawn lies.

So, how does one go about putting a marker on a gravesite? How much would it cost? Would we be able to do it since we’re not Shawn’s relatives?

I don’t reget much in my life, but it kills me to think that I could have sent him a bus ticket–I know he would have come–and maybe he wouldn’t have hung himself from the garage rafter. If this is something that I can do for him, I’d like to do so.

2

This story broke my heart.

Okay. It seems to me that what your daughter needs to do is to go to the owners/managers of the cemetery and tell them what she would like to do. I cannot imagine that they will object; it’s easy money for them. They will be able to hook her up with whatever monument company they use. I’m sure they use a consistent one; almost every cemetery I have gone has such a consistent theme in the look of the grave markers that I cannot imagine it’s by coincidence.

I am very sorry for the pain you and your daughter went through. Please tell her that she is a wonderful person to want to do this for her friend.

3

I’d contact the cemetery owners and ask about placing a gravestone. If his grave’s not marked, I doubt either of his parents visit or would raise a fuss.

4

From the story told in the OP, I guarantee you the father has never been to that grave.

5

Kicking an elementary school age kid out of the house overnight? Multiple times?!
How did dude not wind up in jail? What’s worse is the mother. Letting that happen to her own kid?
Dang. That’s just sorry.
Nice idea for the marker, though.

6

Multiple reasons why it was never reported, in fact I’ve seen this disbelief so much I don’t get it.

1.Dunno what your state is like but in some states social services are basically hellish. Foster families are poorly supervised, group homes are just as bad, and most poorish people are well aware how bad it is knowing people who have come out of the system. Getting raped or molested is a step above mean dad on the shitty scale, and emotional abuse is worse from strangers.

2.The parents might be illegal immigrants or on a visa or on parole or in otherwise precarious legal positions, ditto for wanted on warrants or growing/dealing drugs. Its easy to say who cares but I do know of cases where things did get worse for the kids, its a hard position to be in.

7

Sorry about the situation… what you are considering would be a great kindness, though.

Googling prices seems to indicate about $500 for a low end gravemarker, but it’s likely going to vary based on region. Best bet would be to contact the cemetery and see what they can do for you.

Arguing in this thread is unseemly.

8

Phall0106, rules will more than likely be different in your neck of the woods, but we have just been through a similar mission in the last few days.

Basically, my partner had two sisters still born in the 1960’s and buried without a marker. We have been to see the council to have a marker placed. They were very helpful and will actually waive the fee for the plot given it is so long ago.

However, before a marker can be placed we need to provide some evidence of the relationship with the dead girls (that in itself is a small problem). However, they don’t allow just anyone to place a marker on a grave.

As I said YMMV, and it would not hurt to contact the relevant authorities.

(Also once we pay the fees required to place a marker the grave is then sealed and can no longer be used).

9

Last year I found out where my great-great grandparents and great grandmother are buried. I was very sad when I found out my great grandmother did not have headstone. Her parents have one and she died before and also before her husband. She had such a sad life and died very young. I contacted the cemetery and they were willing to put one in and set me up with their sales guy. The problem was they wanted to charge me $1800 which I don’t have right now. So the search continues to find something more affordable. I believe you can just call the cemetery’s office and she what their protocol is.

10

You don’t have to buy the marker from the cemetery. Search under ‘monuments’ for a supplier with better prices, such as this.