Great Literary Real Estate Ads

The housekeeper one is Rebecca.

The retirement home one is, I’m assuming, just Hotel California.

House Complete With Sand and Fog

Purchased at auction and refurbished. Features widow’s walk. Bathroom doubles as holding pen. Careful of nails on the lawn!

It’s not literary - but it made me think of the TV show The Prisoner.

Correct. After I posted it, I later realized that a TV show counts as media, not literature. Still, enough people got the real reference. The “Hotel California” quote was something of a red herring.

I completely missed the Batman listing the first time through (which I think is also a media reference).

Miller, I’m not sure your ad meets equal housing opportunity regulations. I may have to send some Firstborn to discuss the legal points with you.

Trailer Home For Sale!

Cozy converted Gypsy caravan in the English countryside. Built-in furniture. Grounds include outbuilding and Cox’s Orange Pippin tree. Pheasant hunting nearby.

Gee, I thought you meant ads like these.

The only think I can think of is the Baker’s Wife, a French short story/movie, but I don’t think it’s right. Little help?

The Last Homely House west of the mountains! Secluded valley location, timber character villa {with mystic birdbath and conference facilities} set amidst lovely old-growth forest. Handy for fords, river transport at your doorstep. Reluctant sale from motivated vendors moving overseas: must sell before end of Third Age. Their loss is your gain! {No dwarves, please}

In a hole in the ground there lived - you? Picture yourself in this underground charmer: not a nasty dirty wet hole filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry bare sandy hole with nothing to sit down on. It’s a hobbit hole, and that means comfort! Surprisingly spacious; perfect for entertaining those unexpected guests. Character location close to quaint rural village, yet handy for main road. Absentee owner: family must sell!

Middle Earth Realty: “Give Us A Ring Today”

Jean de Florette - Manon of the Spring, I’m thinking.

1,000-acre+ cotton plantation; useful as military HQ; movable property MIA; main house and outbuildings restored/rebuilt after some fire damage. Remember, the earth is all you have – and tomorrow is another day.

Yeah, well, with this sales pitch, frankly, I don’t give a damn.

This one I can take verbatim from the book: “…an eligible self-contained gentleman’s residence, very unique; dating in part from the fourteenth century, but replete with every modern convenience. Up-to-date sanitation. Five minutes from church, post office and golf-links.”

Lepidopterist’s Delight!

Secluded English country home, all the standard amenities, including crenellated towers, mullioned windows, and portraits of ancestors going back 500 years. The grounds include a yew alley. But the proximity to the moors, with the superb opportunities to pursue lepidoptery and other such scientific pursuits are what make this place a real gem. Not to worry about the nearby prison; regular K-9 patrols provide security.

Will the sellers clear out those messy old sword fragments scattered about the place?

I understand the K-9 patrols are not exactly “regular” in the sense of “normal.” An elementary application of deductive reasoning raises the question whether “regular” also applies to the patrol schedule in the sense of “consistent intervals.”

I’d run this listing by an MD I know in London – he has a lot of experience in unusual circumstances – but he got dragged into the legal troubles resulting from his roommate’s drug habit.

Run down mansion in outskirts of Russia. Great for romantic trysts and secluded place to write. Only accessible by horse. Looks wonderful in the winter. Formerly owned by doctor and poet.

One billion ruples or best offer.

Live Amongst The Stars!

Landmark building located in one of New York City’s most exclusive nabes. Central Park view, friendly neighbors. Excellent area for raising Satan’s child.

Apartment for let: 2 bedrooms, one overlooking busy steet, the other with view of tranquil garden. Previous occupants smokers. Musicians – especially violinists – welcome. Near Regents Park. Apply Mrs. Hudson.

I love it! :smiley:

Handyman’s Delight!

This mansion has it all! Old-world character and charm; underdeveloped location just hours away from prosperous Lake-Town. Built-in indoor water feature and other original details too numerous to mention. A real treasure!

Vendor does not warrant property dragon-free.

LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM: Small inn with stable in the back for sale. Mixed clientele: shepards, wise men, angels, and the occasional pregnant woman and messiah.