Just a slight nit, there are TWO excellent James Garner western spoofs, both with Jack Elam and Harry Morgan, that are being quoted from, and the quotes are getting mixed up.
Support Your Local Sheriff is where Garner plays Jason McCullough, who is just passing through on his way to Australia. He sticks his finger in the gun and in this one.
Judge Slade: According to the provisions of the statutes of our territorial commonwealth, you gentleman of the jury have been selected as representative citizens of our fair community. We want to see that the public’s faith is justified. So when you boys retire to consider a verdict, stay out awhile. Mr. Kent will see that you are plentifuly provided with liquid refreshments. And after you have deliberated sufficiently, weighed all the evidence fair and square, and brought in a verdict of not guilty, you will be amply rewarded. You understand?
Tom Destry Jr.: He reminds me of a little kid I used to know. He done in both his pa and ma with a crowbar. The judge said to him, he said, “Do you got anything to say for yourself?” and the kid said, “Well I just hope your honor has some regard for the feelings of a poor orphan.”
Lily Belle: Hey you! Give me those pants. And from now now on, leave my husband alone.
Frenchy: I don’t want your husband, Mrs. Callahan - all I want is his money… and his pants.
Lily Belle: And how’d you get 'em? By making eyes at him while you cheated, you gilded lily!
Frenchy: But Mrs. Callahan, you know he would rather be cheated by me than married to you.
Frenchy: Get out before I kill you!
Tom Destry Jr.: You mean you haven’t been tryin’?
Tom Destry Jr.: Don’t let me interfere with your dinner, ma’am.
Frenchy: It’s breakfast.
[Having sworn in his new deputy]
Washington Dimsdale: Here’s your badge. Don’t let anybody see it.
“We’re not gonna get rid of anybody! We’re gonna stick together, just like it used to be! When you side with a man, you stay with him! And if you can’t do that, you’re like some animal, you’re finished! We’re finished! All of us!”
“We all dream of being a child again, even the worst of us. Perhaps the worst most of all.”
“Well, me and the boys got some work to do. You want to come with us? It ain’t like it used to be; but it’ll do.”
Audra Favor: I can’t imagine eating a dog and not thinking anything of it.
John Russell: You even been hungry, lady? Not just ready for supper. Hungry enough so that your belly swells?
Audra Favor: I wouldn’t care how hungry I got. I know I wouldn’t eat one of those camp dogs.
John Russell: You’d eat it. You’d fight for the bones, too.
Doris Blake: You’re just saying that so we won’t go down there.
John Russell: They’ll kill you both. That’s why I’m saying it.
while setting an ambush -
John Russell: If you run, they’re gonna catch you, they’re gonna kill you. You believe that more than you believe anything.
Henry Mendez: All right.
John Russell: And try not to puke. You may have to lie in it for a long time.
May not meet the stringent definition of a Western, but here it is anyway:
Wendell: You think this boy Moss has got any notion of the sorts of sons of bitches that’re huntin’ him?
Ed Tom: I don’t know, he ought to. He’s seen the same things I’ve seen, and it’s certainly made an impression on me.
Tombstone: “Go ahead. Skin it. Skin that smokewagon and see what happens.”
Once Upon a Time in the West. Frank’s gang has just killed a whole family and as they sit there on their horses, a little 4(?) year old comes walking out of the house and stares at the gang. One of the gang members says, “You ain’t gonna kill him, are you Frank?”
Henry Fonda pauses, “well. . .now that he knows my name.”