Women are irrational, that’s all there is to that! Their heads are full of cotton, hay and rags! They’re nothing but exasperating, irritating, vacillating, calculating, agitating, maddening and infuriating hags!
Arthur:
I’ve taken the liberty of anticipating your condition. I have brought you orange juice, coffee, and aspirins. Or do you need to throw up?
The Goodbye Girl:
I am decent. I also happen to be naked.
The Lion In Winter:
I made Louis take me on Crusade. I dressed my maids as Amazons and rode bare-breasted halfway to Damascus. Louis had a seizure and I damn near died of windburn… but the troops were dazzled.
I’m villifying you for God’s sake–pay attention!
Henry’s bed is Henry’s province, he may people it with sheep if he wishes. Which upon occasion he has done.
So! The royal corkscrew finds ME twisted?
Of course he has a knife, he always has a knife, we all have knives! It’s 1183 and we’re all barbarians!
I, Claudius:
They say a snake bit her once. And died.
I wouldn’t take Britain if I were you. There’s nothing of value there and the people make terrible slaves.
We haven’t even spoken for seven years. Did you know the last time she spoke to me was when Caligula burned the house down? Even then all she said was, “If you haven’t got a bucket, piss on it.”
1776:
This is a revolution, dammit! We’re going to have to offend SOMEbody!
Don’t worry, John, the history books will clean it up.
The Emperor’s New Groove:
Three oinkers wearing pants, plate full of hot air, basket of grandma’s breakfast and change the bull to a gill, got it.
The Quiet Man:
He’ll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long.
Sir!..Sir!.. Here’s a good stick, to beat the lovely lady.
Top Secret!:
Listen to me Hillary. I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.
Nick, I’ve tried everything: the embassy, the German government, the consulate. I even talked to the U.N. ambassador. It’s no use, I just can’t bring my wife to orgasm.
If they find out you’ve seen this, your life will be worth less than a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory.
"Did you see a sign on the front of the house that says ‘Dead Nigga’ Storage’?..
“Did YOU see a SIGN on the front of the house that says ‘Dead Nigga’ Storage’?!
…NO!! You didn’t see a sign that says ‘Dead Nigga’ Storage’ because it AIN’T THERE BECAUSE STORING DEAD NIGGA’S AIN’T MY FUCK-ING BUSINESS!!!”
Pulp Fiction
“I’ve come here to do two things - chew bubblegum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubblegum…”
-They Live
“Those aren’t PILLOWS!!”
-Planes, Trains & Automobiles
"That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age. "
-Dazed & Confused
NoClueBoy: “Pirate!” is, of course, from Pirates of the Caribbean, and “We thought you was a toad” is from O Brother Where Art Thou?. Unsure on the last one.
Johnny Depp has lots of good lines in Pirates of the Caribbean, but he also gets all the best lines in Once Upon a Time in Mexico: “Oh yeah. Very matarlo.” “I’ll shoot the cook. I’m parked out back anyway.” “Are you a Mexi-can or a Mexi-can’t?”
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday, and you’re not feelin’ real well, does anyone ever say to you, ‘Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays’?
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you’d get your ass kicked sayin’ something like that, man.
Major pedant: It’s actually “Looks like we’re shy one horse.”
SolGrundy: the “I’ve met some hard-boiled eggs, but you’re a twenty-minuter” line is in Chicken Run. If it’s not original to that film, you should be able to use IMDb to find out which film it’s originally from.
Not a one-liner, but a personal favourite from Pi:
RABBI: It belongs to us!
MAX: It was given to me!
Last, the all-time classic from Lake Placid:
“If I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it!”
“Becky was a good girl and didn’t need to be spanked. Dammit”
“She felt fine to me”
and the best advice of all time, from Teen Wolf no less:
Coach -“There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.”
