Grilled Cheese Sammich Heretics: Repent and Rejoin Decent Society!

[Fenris]

Ok, this was first posted at the temp board, and I just posted a HUGE post to it. I’m gonna reprint the OP (with one or two minor changes to make the big post make sense), one person’s post in particular that I was (in part) responding to and the honking big post. I hope that this isn’t a problem:

There was a bunch of good discussion there: check it out here

My OP:

It has come to my attention that there are still advocates of the “Squoosh” method of Grilled Cheese Sammich makings.

This is an affront to God and Man and Julia Child! I plead with you, my lost bretheren (and sisteren): Please, come back from the dark side!

For those of you unaware of the controversy, a pure grilled cheese sammich follows these steps:

Take 2 slices of bread (any kind of bread is fine, tortillias are not: do this with tortillias as you end up with a quesadea, which is fine, but not what we’re talking about here), butter all 4 sides (or margerine). Put one or two slices of cheese (I prefer American cheese (not the processed “Cheeze-food-product” stuff) but any kind of cheese will do) on the bread. Put a sprinkle of salt on the cheese. NOTHING ELSE: Martha Stewart may make some fru-fru sammiches involving grilled cheese with the addition of some dessicated sea-urchin sperm and yak-embryos or apple blossoms and goat-puke, but these are no longer Grilled Cheese Sammiches.

Melt some butter in a frying pan. Fry the bread on one side, gently turning when golden-brown. The cheese should be molten when you’re done. Eat and savor the contrast between the crispy, buttery-toasted outside of the bread and the fluffy interior.

Some variations are permitted, of course. Some add mustard or mayo in place of one of the layers of butter. Some skip the salt. But these are all acceptible variations on the Pure Grilled Cheese Sammich as listed above. Basically, if you can spread it on, it’s ok.(Ham and other meat products (like bacon) are the one acceptable non-spreadable addition.)

But…

But bretheren and sisteren: there lurk in our midst terror-mongering heritics who defy convention and "SquooshS their sammich with a spatula or a brick or another frying pan during the crucial frying stage. They “claim” it gives more surface area and a crispier sammich results. They “claim” it tastes better without the fluffy bread interior. Some go so far as to put a

Please. This is just a way of making a quesadea! It’s evil and naughty!

I urge you all, Grilled Cheese Sammich lovers, stamp out the “Squoosh”; heresy and only make TRUE Grilled Cheese Sammiches. And again, for those of you who’ve been lured by the “quick thrills”; and easy temptation of the “Squoosh”; heresy, turn back! Your culinary soul is in danger!

Tolerance for evil is never a virtue! This heresy must be stamped out. Toss some logs on the pyre, get the thumb-screws, fetch the giant people-smooshing spatula, today is the dawn of
The Sammich Inquisition!

Arch-Bishop Fenris of the Sammich Inquisition! (No-one expects the Sammich Inquisition!) of the Church of the Grilled Cheese Sammich Trimuphant!

Anyway, back to IMHO:
So, you a “Squoosher” or not?

Anyway, there were a bunch of great responses…then Quadgop the Mercotan posted this bit of inspired lunacy:

Unitarian Cheesiversalist

---

I am a UC! we have our 7 principles:

1. The inherent worth and dignity of every cheese sandwich;
2. Justice, equity and compassion in cheese relations;
3. Acceptance of one another’s cheese, bread and fixins choices and encouragement to waistband growth in our congregations;
4. A free and responsible search for cheese and meaning;
5. The right of conscience and the use of the cheese process within our congregations and in society at large;
6. The goal of world cheese sandwich community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
7. Respect for the interdependent web of all cheeses of which we partake.

My response follows

Fenris

[Fenris]

I’m gonna do the Jack Chick of Grilled Cheese Sammiches, but since I’m an Arch-Bishop of the Church of the Grilled Cheese Sammich Trimuphant (and I’m in charge of the Sammich Inquisition as well), I’m obviously doing a Catholic riff (comes from rereading the Deryni books. I made a Grilled Cheese Sammich just as Arch-Bishop Loris (boo!) threatened to burn all the Deryni at the stake, starting with Dhugal) and I kept picturing Arch-Bishop Loris (hiss!) toasting a Grilled Cheese Sammich on Dhugal’s pyre!

ANYway, th’ problem with this is that if I, Arch-Bishop Fenris do a Jack Chick riff, but give it a Catholic spin, Jack Chick’s head may explod…

The Jack Chick of Grilled Cheese Sammiches

Panel One, a college dorm, 30 years out of date: “mod” op-art posters, black-light peace signs and the lower-case “e” (for Ecology!) are all on the wall.

Enter Brandon and Mitzi (yeah, they’re '80s names, so?): Brandon is dressed in a paisley shirt, and vertically striped pants. He’s inexplicably wearing a vest and he has a Mike Brady PERM!. Mitzi is wearing Granny Glasses and a maxi-skirt: you know that neither is up to any good.

Brandon: Hey Mitzi: Let’s groove. I’ll put on some Rock and/or Roll and we can get mellow with Mary-Jane. What kind of tunes to you want to hear?

Mitzi: Something really…wicked. Um…The Turtles!

Brandon: You minx!

Panel Two: Brandon has put on an album. He’s “rolling” a “Joint” (what “dope-heads” call a “marijuana” “cigarette”. It’s also known as a “reefer”.)

Record Player:
OooooOoh
What we need in the world today
is a guide for the married man.
A simple thing that in every way
Would provide for the harried man!

Mitzi: Fab tunes, but before I “toke” that “reefer”, I want to fix snacks. You know how we get the “munchies” after we “smoke”.

Brandon: Gear! How 'bout Grilled Cheese Sammiches?

Mitzi: YUM!

Panel Three: Brandon has a hot plate out and is starting to melt some butter in his frying pan. He’s putting slices of pre-wrapped cheeze-like product on the bread.

Brandon: Gonna be mondo-fab!

Panel Four: Brandon has flipped over the Sammich (as evidenced by toasty marks on the bread. He’s squooshing the Sammich with a spatula.

Panel Five: The door bursts in. In come ** THE CRUSADERS!**

“Big” Tim Carter, unfunky black guy and Seriously White Steve Clark in their polyester Mod-Sqad outfits, making the world safe by kicking ass for Christ! Behind them can be seen Arch-Bishop Fenris in his Arch-Bishop’s robes, pointy bishop’s hat and everything, looking serene.

“Big” Tim Carter: Ok honky punks! Freeze!

Steve Clark: What do you think you’re doing?!

Panel Six: Brandon is standing on tippy-toes as “Big” Tim Carter slams Brandon up against a wall (holding him by his vest, of course!). Mitzi is on the floor, one arm across her mouth looking up at the action in the sort of pose only found in lower-quality romance-novels.

Brandon: Maaaaaan! This is a bad trip! You’re bringin’ me down!

Steve Clark: Satan could be bringing you down even further!

“Big” Tim Carter: Yeah! He drag yo’ ofay butt down to HELL!

Mitzi: What…what do you mean?

Panel Seven: Same scene. Just Xerox the last panel, but move Arch-Bishop Fenris further into the room. Use white-out if needed.

“Big” Tim Carter: Yo! Shut yo’ mouf, momma!

Arch-Bishop Fenris: Now “Big”. We discussed your issues with women when you and Steve came out. Deep, cleansing breaths and apologize.

“Big” Tim Carter: m’sry

Arch-Bishop Fenris: I couldn’t hear you.

“Big” Tim Carter: I’m sorry.

Steve Clark: And you should be sorry too Brandon!

Panel Eight: Close-up of Brandon: Up close we can see he has bad teeth and is only semi-shaven. He’s pants-wetting scared and angry!

Brandon: What do you mean? How dare you barge in here like this! We weren’t hurting anyone!

Panel Nine: Extreme close up of Steve. He’s sincere. Really, really sincere. Butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. You would buy a used car from him. He’s got good teeth, blonde hair and he’s whiter than cocaine! So you know he can be trusted.

Steve Clark: Brandon, Mitzi: you were about to put your immortal souls in danger. Do you know what would have happened if you’d eaten that squooshed sammich? Satan would have had your very SOUL! A squooshed Grilled Cheese Sammich is the DEVIL’S SAMMICH! Some cults (like the Unitarian Cheesiversalists) will tell you that as long as there’s cheese, smooshed sammiches don’t matter. But Brandon. Mitzi. Do you know where Unitarian Cheesiversalists go after they’ve “party-ed” with their Satan Sammiches? No? THEY GO

Panel Ten: Super tight close up of Tim’s perfect teeth (which are white, so you know they can be trusted)

Steve Clark: STRAIGHT TO HELL!

Panel Eleven: Brandon and Mitzi are on the floor holding each other and weeping.

Brandon: I swear! I didn’t know!

Mitzi: Is it too late for us?

Panel Twelve: Arch-Bishop Fenris is making Grilled Cheese Sammiches for all. He looks kind and loving. The (can’t remember the name) dealie that is normally filled with burning incense in a metal ball that hangs from a stick (a crozier?) is, in Arch-Bishop Fenris’s case, actually filled with salt. He sprinkles some on the sammiches as he hands them out.

Arch-Bishop Fenris: Of course not, my children. You just need to repent of your Squooshed ways (for the Squooshing of the Sammich is an unholy metaphor for Satan’s Squooshing of your spirit), and take the Pure Grilled Cheese Sammich into you. Do you, Brandon and you, Mitzi reject Squooshing in all it’s ways?

Panel Thirteen: Brandon and Mitzi, eyes shining and glassy with the look of the newly brainwashed are nodding.

Brandon and Mitzi (in unison): We do!

Arch-Bishop Fenris: Then eat up and let your souls be renewed.

Panel Fourteen: Everyone’s happy! Brandon and Mitzi are gorging themselves on Grilled Cheese Sammiches, “Big” and Steve are doing a dance that looks remarkably like the Twist together and Arch-Bishop Fenris has found the “reefer”.

Record Player Speaker:
Imagine me and you
I do
I think about you day and night
It’s only right
To think about the girl you love
And hold her tight
So happy, together!

Arch-Bishop Fenris: Now that Brandon and Mitzi have found the true Sammich light, they will be “happy togther”. In heaven! For all eternity.

Steve Clark: Uh…Arch-Bishop? Don’t you think you’ve had enough?

**The End **

[Baker]

Well Fenris, I’m not Catholic(Episcopalian, close enough) and that thingie that incense is burned in is a thurible.

But now that I have YOur Holiness here I need to ask about my Dad. He puts pickle slices in his Grilled Cheese Sammiches. Is he beyond the pale? Can he be saved? Or are pickles an acceptable denominational variation?

[Theobroma]

I’m speechless.

(Thank the High Ones I’m not a smoosher!)

…but what does Jack Chicken Salad Sandwich think of mayo instead of butter/marg for the browning process? All good Cheezitarians want to know!

-Theobroma

PS- you forgot the pix to go with the tract…see, we can insert images now! Get crackin’, m’kay?

[Stoid]

*Originally posted by Fenris *
**Take 2 slices of bread butter all 4 sides (or margerine)
…

Melt some butter in a frying pan. **

Heart attack much?

**
(I prefer American cheese (not the processed “Cheeze-food-product” stuff)
**

I thought we cleared this up a ways back. “American Cheese” IS a “cheese food product”, toots, not cheese. Cheese is cheddar, Gouda, Swiss, Parmesan Gogonzola, etc. “American” cheese is just a less offensive way of saying “cheese whiz” or “Velveeta”.

PS: Weirdass thing happened on the way to quoting you: the entire center of your post was missing. It quoted the beginning and the end, nothing in the middle. What the hell?

[Fenris]

Good questions, my Bretheren and Sisteren! In the other thread, it was determined that thin slices of tomato were acceptible. Following this logic, we can see that thin slices of onion or pickle would be within the bounds of orthodoxy. However, Baker, if he’s putting on a whole kosher dill…< shakes head >…he’a gonna burn.

Theobroma: While Mayo (but NOT “Miracle” Whip!) is acceptible, it’s only acceptible as long as you make no pretense that it’s a “pure” Grilled Cheese Sammich.

Arch-Bishop Fenris

[Padeye]

Thank God no one brought up the awful mayo/Tangy zip of Miracle Whip[sup]TM[/sup] question or we’d have to go to GD or even the pit.

Now I’m hankerin’ for a grilled cheese sammich… Wal-Mart is only a mile away. Is Potato bread allowed?

I walk both sides of the fence as I was raised R.C. I’ve even had a DEATH COOKIE! (it was great, served with a nice wine too) but am now a Lutheran (we only get grape juice). From what I can tell we use the same kind of communion wafers (not grilled, no con queso) but I don’t think ours were baked in the fires of hell.

[Fenris]

*Originally posted by Stoid *
**

Heart attack much?
**

I only partake on special occasions.

**

I thought we cleared this up a ways back. “American Cheese” IS a “cheese food product”, toots, not cheese. Cheese is cheddar, Gouda, Swiss, Parmesan Gogonzola, etc. “American” cheese is just a less offensive way of saying “cheese whiz” or “Velveeta”.
**

Sorry to disagree, but I can go down to my local Wild Oats and get a chunk of American Cheese. Comes in a big long rectangle (like Montery Jack does) and everything. They only sell “natural” foods there and no Velveeta can be found. It tastes like really, really mild cheddar. Sort of.

Seriously. I got some last week. They claim it’s cheese and not “cheeze-food product”. I think the key is if it says “processed” before the word “American” then it’s not food.

(I just looked it up: per Cheese.com, it’s a real cheese. )

**

PS: Weirdass thing happened on the way to quoting you: the entire center of your post was missing. It quoted the beginning and the end, nothing in the middle. What the hell? **

Apparently this version of vB won’t allow nested quotes. So if you quoted my OP, which contained quotes, it chopped out all the middle stuff.

Fenris

[bouv]

I have a question, oh Holiness of the Grilled Cheese Sammich:

I only butter the outside of the bread, and I don’t put butter in the pan (a nice benefit of non-stick…no extra butter is ever needed.)

Am I going to rot and burn in sammich Hell? Or am I merely practicing my Sammiching in my own, safe and still Holy, way?

[Mudshark]

Some people . . . some people like squashed grilled cheese exclusively, While I myself say there is naught, nor ought there be, Nothing so exalted on the face of God’s grey earth
As that Prince of Foods . . . The Fenris Grilled Cheese Sammich.
(Available in a kitchen near you while supplies last)

[mkmiller99]

Arch-Bishop Fenris

Am I saved from the other sinners? I prefer mine with white bread, swiss cheese, mayo and thin sliced tomato. The trick is you sprinkle garlic salt on the buttered side that you put in the frying pan. I do not squoosh, and would never say that anyone who does is following the right path.

[kambuckta]

Fenris. are you drunk?

[Tequila_Mockingbird]

Am I a heretic or a prophet for suggesting the idea of pressing the buttered outsides of the bread in a good parmesean or ramano cheese before browning it in the pan? Either way, try it and you’ll never look back!

[mkmiller99]

Tequila Mockingbird

I thought my method of using garlic salt on the outside of the bread was brilliant, but your use of the parmesan…pure genius! I can’t wait for my next grilled swiss and tomato.

[InternetLegend]

originally posted by Czarcasm:

**I went to the house of a former friend once for lunch. He asked if I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich, and when I said yes, he proceeded to do the following:

1. Put two pieces of bread in the toaster,
2. slapped some mayo on said pieces of toast,
3. put a ONE slice of Kraft Somewhat Cheese-Like Substance between the slices and,
4. proceeded to put said abonimation in the microwave!.

Do you think that keying his car and flattening his tires were enough, or should I have turned him in to the Health authorities?**

Because Czarcasm doesn’t know where I live, I feel I can admit to this: I put two pieces of bread in the toaster, pop them up when they’re ALMOST toasted, slap cheese between them, squish them together, and put them back into the toaster (it’s a wide-slot one) for a few more seconds. I’d never dream of putting a sandwich in the microwave, though, and I wouldn’t offer one made this way to an adult friend. I just make them for the children when I’m too lazy to dirty a pan.

However, before I slink away, humiliated and shunned, I must say one thing. It’s spelled “quesadilla.” And you can’t make that in a toaster, believe me.

[pulykamell]

Fenris - I’ll back ya up on the American Cheese deal. Kraft American (and similar plastic-wrapped processed cheeses) is nothing like real American cheese (which is somewhat like cheddar.) If you’ve seen Kraft Swiss cheese, you know what kind of resemblence that bears to real Swiss, i.e. none.

Now, why in the heck would you butter the inside of your bread, and salt (!!??) your cheese? There’s plenty of butter in the pan to go 'round, and cheese is normally fairly salty to begin with.

My perfect grilled cheese sandwich is on a light rye bread, with a sharp cheddar. No mayo (I’ve never seen mayo on a grilled cheese, nor would I want to.) No butter or salt on the inside. Fried as described by Fenris in butter with a smashed up clove of garlic (or two.) Always cut on the diagonal, or don’t cut at all. Frying in good olive oil is also nice, but imparts a different flavor than to be expected from a traditional grilled cheese. (I also feel margarine is an abomination for a grilled cheese sandwich. Actually, it’s an abomination for pretty much everything except Buffalo Wing Sauce.)

[Tansu]

What are the doctrinal views of the most reverend Archbishop on the use of the Toasted Sandwich Maker, a method of toasted sandwich preparation most popular in the United Kingbom?

This is an electrically powered device, consisting of two hot plates hinged together. The bread, buttered/margarined on the outside, in placed on the base hotplate, the then cheese in introduced, the top layer of bread is placed on top, greased side uppermost, the hinge is closed and the plates locked together. The plates are embossed in such a fashion that pressure is applied at the edges of the bread, and along a diagonal line through each slice, dividing the bread into triangular “toasties” and sealing the cheese inside. In addition, most toasted sandwich makers produce a decorative embossed pattern on the sandwich, which some may find pleasing to the eye.

“Squooshing” is applied in this process only to the edges of each triangular toastie. The vast majority of the bread is cooked in the usual frying manner - but on both sides at once.

I await guidance in this important doctrinal matter.

[sirjamesp]

Right, you’ve succeeded in tempting this Englishman with one of your decadent, cholesterol-laden, colonial recipes - but one of the basics here has confused me.

Why in the name of all that is holy are you calling this a “grilled sandwich” when you are quite blatently frying it?

[Odieman]

Tradition…well actually cause it was originally fried on a grill in a greasy spoon.

[Fenris]

mkmiller99: Thin sliced tomato and mayo put you in the realm of “Saved but not as saved as Us”.

Tequila, as long as you’re not Squooshing the bread it’s not only fine, it sounds so good that I’ve just gotta try it.

InternetLegend: Toasted cheese sammiches are a completely different thing. <archly> They have no bearing on this discussion </archly>

pulykamell: Margerine is acceptible, but not preferred, we must allow for indiviual differences within the faithful. The inside of the bread is buttered for the “squish” factor. Especially when making the Grilled Cheese Sammich with Texas Toast, the sponge-like qualities of the bread aren’t sufficent to get the inside of the bread moist. The salt is just a sprinkle (not even a pinch). I don’t know why it works, but it makes the Sammich magic.

Tansu: If only the edges of the bread are sealed to make a sort of bread/cheese pie, I see no problem with this. As a matter of fact, I’d suspect that it allows you to add more cheese than otherwise, so it may be, in fact, a holy thing!

sirjamessp: it is an ineffable mystery. It’s true, it is fried, but nonetheless, it is called a Grilled Cheese Sammich.
(or, on preview, what Odieman said)

Arch-Bishop Fenris