I agree. And it really freaks people out who don’t know the movie. Which is a major positive, for me at least. High five!
Always wanted to shindig with Jack Riley.
Yes. One of the most important tools in an abuser’s box is convincing their targets that it’s all your fault, that you’re broken, that you’re the one causing everything, that nobody will ever understand you because you’re an incomprehensible alien. The fact that abusers tend to have good relationships with people in positions of authority tends to reinforce the message and therefore the isolation: you try to ask for help, and the person you’re trying to ask tells you that it’s all your fault or that you’re imagining things, or exaggerating. Gaslighting isn’t done by a single person, it’s a team effort where most of the people involved don’t even realize what they’re doing.
The first time that someone doesn’t respond to your attempts to ask for help by telling you something along the lines of “but how can you complain, when you have such a wonderful mother!” or “well, you must have done something to deserve the beating” it’s as if the sky opened and a whole battallion of raphaelite cherubs came down playing Haendel’s Hallellujah.
I feel like most of my therapy comes from drunk old guys at bars, sometimes there is some real wisdom.
Depends in part on the group. Have to find where it is a decent fit. My daughter went to a teen group of anxiety in a children’s hospital. he kids were split into pre teens and teens. My daughter still has a buddy a year later that goes to a different school but they do stuff together a couple times a month and occaisionally a sleepover.
It was great for her (but not easy and they did some hard exposures during therapy). Unbeknownst to me, parents also did therapy at the same time. While most of the issues were individual, it was a good group of parents, some good sharing, and the moderator (a medical doctor and psychiatry PhD) did a really awesome job of a) giving all of us an understanding of how anxiety works and the theory for overcoming, and b) gave a couple minutes of individual guidance every session. It was awesome for the 8 weeks we did it.
I would go onto Facebook, request to join some of the groups that are devoted to psychiatric-inmate liberation and activism, and then within that ask for info on user-run self-help.
Rolling our own is sort of considered to be part of the general rights-activism movement.
I go to a group for widows.
Definitely, we all share sadness and grief and problems.
But the women who have been widowed longest have some relevant advice for dealing with settling an estate, going to banks and financial institutions to convert accounts to just the survivors’ names, or dealing with legal issues. We lend to support to each other on “anniversary dates” - our actual wedding anniversaries, the anniversary of deaths or discovering terminal illnesses of the birthdays of the deceased and such. We talk about how to cope with feelings of sadness and grief, how to deal with them in a manner that allows us to function and take care of ourselves, or when to seek additional professional help when they start to interfere with doing that. So in between commiserating on our similar misfortune there’s actually a lot of practical advice mixed in.
But not everyone find use in such a group, and certainly not all groups are created equal. Very much a your mileage may vary situation.
Are you kidding? That’s every night at the bar, every breakfast with a friend, the book group at church, every marriage I’ve seen (well, okay, just the good ones…), and most every class* I’ve taught.
We’re all sad. We’re all traumatized. But only some of us admit it, and try to understand it.
*Seriously, last Monday’s class started with the oldest guy saying:
“Okay, to understand my weekend, anyone have any questions about drugs?”
Youngest girl: “Yeah, which ones have you taken?”
"Oh, sweetheart, ALL of them… not proud of the meth, but still doin’ weed, cocaine… and a lot of 'shrooms. Now, want to know why…?"
Since we’re in the Pit, I’m going to say something to you I’ve been wanting to say for awhile. You are either an giant idiot or a major asshole. This is not the first time you’ve claimed not to get something any toddler can grasp, and then when someone explains it to you, you come back with more stupid questions.
Why the hell would someone talk to people who have the same problems as them, if doing so didn’t help them feel better? Do you think people go to support groups to willingly torture themselves? Are you aware that not understanding something like this indicates you have the emotional intelligence of a cucumber? Does this bother you any?
Almost every single post of yours stinks of derpiness. It’s been a shtick of yours for awhile. I don’t know why you think it’s cute, but it isn’t. It’s repugnant.
It can help to realize you’re not alone in the lifeboat, that others have the same issues. There is a strength in not being the lone survivor. To know that others have come through the same fire and are still around. That you can too, because they did.
It can help to be able to relate your sory to people who have been through similar situations, so they know, internally, what you are dealing with. You don’t have to justify or explain background, because they already get it in a visceral way.
Finally, it can help to verbalize your story to others, because saying it out loud does two things. It makes it “real”, not just in your head, and it lifts the burden of having to carry it alone form your shoulders. They are now sharing your story, and so again, it’s not just you alone.
Group therapy can be extremely useful provided it is well run, and confidentiality/anonymity is maintained. But you also need to be there for the right reasons. Not simply to hear yourself monolog, but to listen to others and share only when you have something directly relevant. You are there first to provide support, and second to get support fr yourself when needed. That’s why the group moderator needs to be gentle but firm keeping the group focused and on track, and be willing to interrupt (in a kind manner) when necessary.
Regards,
-Bouncer-
nm
Thank you for saying this. I thought it was just me for the longest time.
The thought process kind of jumps from (feigned?) ignorance to questioning the intelligence of broken/damaged people (but there’s billions of people, of course you’re not alone! Have you tried… the internet???).
Totally agree and I’ve pointed this out before actually. He is either one of the stupidest people on the planet or a total asshole. Either way, not good.
Look, I’m honestly asking, what exactly is this asshole you speak of? From your context, it sounds like a not good thing, but in real life it is. Am I missing something? Some colloquial subtext, no doubt. I’m going to keep on posting anyhow, so feel free to enlighten me any time.
Actually, those two states of being are not in any way mutually exclusive. He could always be both.
:::applause:::
I was in a therapy group in college. Briefly. It started out with a general agenda of “women’s issues”, but it quickly developed into “women who have been molested, raped, or otherwise sexually victimized”. Yes, those are serious issues, but I left after hearing “You don’t know what it’s like,” one too many times. (Not aimed solely at me.) Two other young women left shortly after I did, for pretty much the same reason; we wanted to form another group but couldn’t find anyone to moderate.
When my oldest child came out as transgender, I immediately found people (both online and in real life) who are also parents, guardians or caregivers of transgender kids.
Like broomstick said about the group for widows, some of it is practical (what’s the process for a name change, where are the good doctors, etc) and some of it is just connecting with people who get it. Could I get all the same information from the internet? Sure, but I don’t want to. I want to talk to real people, in real life, and not hide away in my room like this is something not to speak of in public.