The apartment complex I’ve lived in for about 1.5 years has a couple of nice little gyms in it. I had used them all of two or three times, then yesterday I went to my girlfriend’s gym, one of those fancy Magic Johnson 24 Hour Fitness deals. It was fantastic. I used all the machines she used, she showed me how to use them and I had a great time and really felt like I was doing something good for myself. So good that today I decided to give my gym another crack today.
Well, my knees felt a little sore so I figured I’d work my upper body. The only machines I’ve successfully used at my gym are the exercise bikes, treadmills, etc. I sat down at some kind of pec machine and carefully read the instructions: Adjust the seat until this body part is parallel with that body part and perpendicular to the floor and this body part at a 45-degree angle against the demilitarized parallel of North Korea. After consulting a map of Southeast Asia, I figured out what I was supposed to do, and read on to find something like this (paraphrased):
“Pull out the pop-pin [or whatever it was] and manually pull or push the seat to its desired configuration.”
Pop-pin? OK, pop-pin. Pop-pin…looking for a pop-pin. Nothing here. Nothing there. OK, here’s this thingy-dingy sticking out of something here, and it doesn’t look like anything I would call a “pop-pin” but it has a little wheely thing that screws on to the other thing. I’ll unscrew that and then adjust the seat. I unscrew it, and, nope, the seat’s not going anywhere.
OK, whatever, I’ll hit the stationary bike. So I do, for about 15 minutes, burn 70 calories or so, OK, I accomplished something instead of standing around looking like an idiot, so I’ll try to figure out another machine.
I arrive at some kind of bicep hand curl thing. It’s got a whole bunch of directions about North Korea again, and I look at the machine and figure there was no way I was going to figure out how to adjust it, and it basically looks close enough, so what the hell, I’ll just sit down and pop out ten reps. So I do. I end up with some sore elbows. I re-read the instructions and realize that my shoulders and elbows were supposed to be on a straight line parallel to the floor–as opposed to the 45 degree line running from my elbows to my shoulders. Not good. OK, let’s see if we can figure this one out.
“To adjust the seat, lean backwards, pull your legs off the floor and pull the handle up. This will release the seat lock. Use your body weight to lower the seat.”
What? OK, whatever. I lean backwards, pull my feet up off the floor, and pull up on the handle. Then I sit up, sit down, stand up, sit back down, any possible thing I could do to “use my body weight to lower the seat”. Nothing happens. There’s another screw-on wheel thing, so I try to adjust that, but that doesn’t budge. Agh. Whatever. I storm out of the gym in a huff, and now I’m back to watching TV and doing the occasional sit-up.
I’ve thought of going up to some other gym patron and asking them to help me adjust the machine, but I can never work up the nerve to pull someone out of their exercise routine to help me with mine. I have no idea what the etiquette of this situation is. But I do know that I’m pissed off, my shoulders and elbows are sore and I feel like a failure. Plus I’ve lost my map of Southeast Asia. Bastards.