He originally posted this in GQ, and went to the trouble to note that this situation would be in the state of California (establishing jurisdiction). Neither of those imply a manners question to me.
Hahaha this is great!
Your question reminds me of a time in college when I brought my football player boyfriend and his football friends to a party being thrown by the emo alternative kids. The football players got drunk and violent and none of the alternative kids could get them to stop or leave.
What ended up working best was a chain reaction of sorts. My friends asked me to get the football players out, I, in turn, asked my boyfriend to get them out, my boyfriend got the soberest of his friends to herd the drunker ones out, and in about ten minutes the guys were wrestling each other on the lawn and were no longer the emo kids’ problem. (They were Campus Safety’s problem.)
Putting drunk folks out of your house is not a good solution… if they drive and hurt anything/anyone, they could sue.
Give them a pillow and go to bed.
If they’re not impaired… may I throw Yoko Ono and William Shatner into the “frighten them out” music mix?
I was just thinking that this was starting to sound like a Leave This Party mix tape, when Redwood said:
So we’ve got:
bagpipes
Don’t Worry. Be Happy.
It’s a Small World
Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"
Yoko Ono, and
William Shatner.
Does anyone have anything else to add? Should this be another thread so that everyone can play?
So this is how you invite a thread to end? 
The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald performed on bagpipes and accordion with vocal accompaniment by William Shatner? *
I think you’d be better off using a big-screen TV and surround-sound system to play Leonard Nimoy singing the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins. If that won’t scare 'em off, nothing will.
** Actually, I’d listen to that.*
Somewhere, I read about a couple who would fake getting into an argument to get unwanted people to leave. I don’t think that’s for big parties though.
Tell everyone it’s time for the clothes to come off and the orgy to begin.
Either your guests all leave or your party goes to an interesting new level.
I can already visualize the late night “Kill the Party” Collection commercials with the titles scrolling by.
I am sure we could throw in some assorted Captain and Teneille to round it out.
Just throw in enough stuff to remind everyone of their parents and party should end quickly.
Did William Shatner ever do a cover of Muskrat Love?
I didn’t need to know that existed. :eek: What else is on it, if it is not too dreadful to recount?
I was going to suggest playing Mr. Bojangles over and over again, but this is much more horrible.
I think Mr. Nimoy has a very nice voice personally.
I usually invite it to end by posting in it.
Do you need Mr. Shatner to make that song worse? I think it would do the job all on its own.
Stock a junk drawer with a pair of ski goggles & a paint respirator well before the party.
Place a broom by your back door.
At the time you are done with the party, send everyone who lives there (and who you love) upstairs to bed.
Tell the guests you are going to cook up your ‘trademark breakfast’ in the kitchen.
In a hot skillet, drop 1 stick of butter cut in quarters and then throw in a bowl of sliced Habanero peppers.
As Cloud Plume develops, grab and securely place on goggles & paint respirator while grabbing the broom.
As guests start hunching over coughing and crying, beat them with the broom and chase them out the front door while you scream “F-cking Hippies! I’ll Teach You Not To Go To Vietnam!!!”
Lock the door when you’re done, dead-bolt as needed.
Retro. It never goes outta style.
What about Pat Boone’s “In a Metal Mood?” It’s got to be good for something. (Of course, I don’t think I’d want to be seen buying it, that’s the problem…)