"It's ok, I know the owners." "I AM THE OWNER, YOU MORON!"

The BBQ Pit
1

This is my first pit rant, so please excuse me if it isn’t up to the usual SDMB standard you’re accustomed to. I’ve been quietly stewing over this for the last two weeks, and I need to get this off my chest.

My husband and I recently moved into a new house. We decided to have a house warming party. At first we didn’t plan on having a big party, but as we thought of old friends we hadn’t seen in a while, the guest list grew to about fifty people. We decided to buy a keg, hide the expensive wine,take down the breakables, and have a huge bash.

My brother-in-law was invited of course. My husbands brother, he’s always had a bit of a reputation as a trouble maker. But hey, he’s family, we invited him anyways.

Now, the problem wasn’t my brother-in-law himself, but who he choose to bring to our party. He shows up with a about ten or fifteen friends in tow, some of which he’d just met that night. So now we have fifteen party crashers loose in our house.

I spend some time talking to some people, and decide to wander into our kitchen for a drink. I find one guy, alone, going through our kitchen drawers, holding a bottle of our wine. (I could tell it was ours because it was stained
with red wine, the result of a wine bottle breaking on the rack.)

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“It’s ok, I know the owners.” he says.

“I AM THE OWNER, YOU MORON!” I yell at him.

So everyone comes rushing in, to see what’s got me so pissed. Nobody claims to know who this guy is. My brother-in-law says that he’s one of the guys at the the bar he just came from, he must have tagged along with the group. We ask him to leave. He refuses. My husband and brother-in-law threaten to forcibly remove him. I threaten to call the cops. He finally leaves.

This was prabably the most infuriating thing to happen to me in quite a while. Mr. “I Know the Owners,” if you’re out there, I’d just like to say this:

STOP CRASHING PARTIES!
STOP GOING THROUGH PEOPLE’S DRAWERS!
STOP STEALING THEIR WINE!
AND STOP SAYING YOU KNOW THE OWNER WHEN YOU REALLY DON’T, ESPECIALLY TO THE OWNER HERSELF, YOU FUCKING MORON!

Ahem. Thank you for listening.

2

Normally, for this rant, a score of 8 would be achieved. Extra 1.5 points for a first post sums up to 9.5. Welcome! :wink:

on the subject, HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHA. I hope he felt like a total idiot. He most certainly IS a total idiot. BIL should have brought the bouncers from the bar with him; sounds like he brought everyone else :rolleyes:

3

I know the owners.

That’s hilarious Stephi. I wish I could have seen the look on his face when you said I AM THE OWNER.

Great stuff. Party crashers. I thought they were restricted to College :slight_smile:

Welcome to the boards.

jar

4

Wow- first post is a Pit rant. Very bold!

Anyway, nice rant. It could have used a “pigfucker” explative, though. Like “I AM the owner, pigfucker!”

Otherwise a solid show. Welcome to the madhouse.

Oh, and one more thing. Now that you have your own house, you need to learn how to say “no” and “get the fuck out NOW”. Those are the two phrases you should have said to your brother-in-law the moment he showed up and brought strangers into your new house.

Zette

5

Stephi, I hope you feel better; and that doofus should have been reported anyway for refusing to leave when asked - I think there are bad signs there.

But also, I think your BIL IS part of the problem - what makes a person think they should invite total strangers to their relatives’ house? That’s incredibly stupid. If you like the fellas so much, take 'em to your house for a party, and let 'em go through your kitchen.

6

Methinks your brother-in-law is getting off a bit easy. he would be high on my shitlist for this stunt.

Excellent rant.

7

Wow, good stuff for your first at bat. We look forward to your next one. I think the BiL is never invited to another party. Ever. [sub]was your hubby ever a US President?[/sub]

8

Yikes! Reminds me of a party I had in college that got WAY out of hand. I went out to get some more beer. When I got back there was someone at the door charging people admission. He stuck out his hand and tried to charge me for entrance into my own party! I think the term pigfucker was used somewhere in my reply to him.

9

What’s the big deal?

You’re blowing it all out of proportion, for crying out loud!

“He was going through our kitchen drawers.”

Big deal! I was looking for the cork puller.

If you throw another bash, don’t wait for me to show, grouch.

10

Slip, I also believe he stole a bottle of her wine that she had hidden, if I read the OP correctly. And that’s not appropriate.

11

I didn’t steal the wine. They threw me out, the grouches.

12

Wow, I wasn’t expecting this kind of support from the pit. Thank you.

Venoma and jarbabyj: Thank you.

Zette: Thanks, I don’t swear a whole lot, but in this case, “pigfucker” would have been entirely appropriate.

tradesilicon and Tretiak: My Brother-in-law has apologized for letting this pigfucker (happy Zette?) crash our party. It’s hard to be mad at someone who’s already said they’re sorry. I don’t think it’ll ever happen again.

ShibbOleth: No, he’s not a former US President. :slight_smile:

tevya: So you must know how I feel.

Slip Mahoney: You forget he was stealing our wine. He was lying about knowing the owners of the house. He refused to identify himself when asked. He refused to leave when asked. That’s got to be against the law. I wanted my husband and BIL to make a citizen’s arrest and hold him until the police came. But I got vetoed.

13

Um, I was joking. I was pretending to be the guy. It was a joke.

I know stealing is against the law.

I was joking.

I will go away now.

14

Slip Mahoney: Oh I’m sorry. I find it difficult to tell when someone’s joking online. Besides, I’m new here, remember? :slight_smile:

15

Your incorporation of “pigfucker” (twice!) has endeared you to me. I shall take you under my wing and be your strongest supporter from here on out.

One more word of advice: I think we could have used a fantasy in the OP (original post) describing your desire to carve out the guys eye with a melonballer. I think I would have enjoyed that.

Have fun, and welcome!

Zette

16

Just chiming in on this. You certainly can make a citizen’s arrest on a criminal charge. But it’s a hassle, and you’d better be able to justify it to the cops when they arrive. Minor theft, i.e., drinking a bottle of wine at a party, is not going to go over well. Trespassing, i.e., detaining someone while claiming that they wouldn’t leave when asked, is going to go over even more poorly.

Having said all that, I really sympathize. I’ve been in cirsumstances like that, and while party crashers aren’t exactly a scourge on earth, they are incredibly annoying and tacky. Abusing generous hospitality is pretty low.

17

Damn, you are scaring me. (Not easily scared)

18

At the next family gathering, be sure to start the following conversation:

[ul]You:[list]Yo, bro’ in law! Glad to see you accepted my invitation to the party the other day. Quite a party, wasn’t it?[/ul][/list]

[ul]BiL:[list]Sure was. And thanks for asking me to show up. By the way, sorry about what my pal did that night.[/ul][/list]

[ul]You:[list]Well, since you mention it, the damage the individual you invited into my house without my permission caused is $XXX.00. You invited the fool, you’re responsible. When can I expect the money? Or do I have to sue your ass?[/ul][/list]

And be sure to follow through with the suit.

19

I think I love you. :cool:

I HAVE a melon baller, and use it frequently when honeydew is in season. Great. Now I will see many eyeballs when making fruit salads. Thanks a load, Zette.

:smiley:

20

I’ll remember that, Sexton, as, I hope, will others reading this. But Stephi said the guy left when the cops were merely threatened, not when they showed up. That often works. The kind of person who would do what this pigfucker[sup]TM[/sup] was doing is the kind of person who is allergic to cops.

I’ve heard, though I’ve never field-tested it, that if your party gets out of hand, you can clear it by enlisting a few other people to go outside with you and run back in, shrieking, “The cops are here! Run! The cops are here!”