So, I said something rude & stupid at a party.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I went to this party with some friends. We didn’t know anyone there even though we live down the street. We were talking to the hostess and I expected her to finish a sentence one way and she finished it a very different way. Then I said something rude and stupid.

Ok. I wasn’t going to tell the conversation, but now I will.

She said she wanted to sell her house because there were a lot of . . . . . .I expected her to say something like a lot of newer houses for good prices, or a lot of obnoxious drivers on our street. She said “a lot of (ethnic group) in the neighborhood”.

I said “Did you just say that?”

I don’t know why I said it other than I was surprised she said it because she lives in a part of the neighborhood that I didn’t think had (ethnic group), and also a part of the neighborhood I would have thought was more accepting. I almost thought she was kidding.

So I tried to save by arguing that (ethnic group) was way at the other side of the neighborhood but I don’t think it worked.

Why do I even care? I felt uncomfortable the rest of the time we were there.

2

I don’t think what you said was rude and stupid. I think what she said was rude and stupid.

3

Been there, done that. Look forward to being permanently labeled “politically correct pain in the arse.” (Here’s hoping she isn’t actually part of your permanent social circle, like mine was.)

4

I know what she said was rude & stupid but as a guest in her home for the first time I feel like maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. I really can’t stand it when people say things like that but it’s not like I’m going to change her mind.

I have a problem with the timing of the remark more than the remark itself.

I don’t know why I care except that maybe I embarrassed my husband.

5

Not likely. We’ve lived on the same street for years and have never met before.

6

Cheer up.

You could have said:

“My, but you’re a bigoted piece of crap aren’t you?”

I think you were quite polite.

7

Ouch. There isn’t really a good response to something like that; if you say nothing, you’re part of the problem for not standing up against racism, if you do say something, you just embarrassed your hostess in her own home. I dunno; maybe you could have said something like, “You want to move because there are too many {ethnic group} in this neighbourhood? What problems are you having with them?”

You should ask your husband if he was embarrassed; he might have been happy you said something.

8

What she said was rude and stupid, what you said was not rude and stupid. Good for you for saying something. I have battled with myself over the “I know I will not change their mind” issue in connection with whether to speak up or not (I almost always speak up).

I suppose that people who say blatantly racist things often are met with 1) agreement or 2) silence. Much less often, somebody disagrees. One reason for this is that birds of a feather flock together. The other reason is the one you describe – politeness, guest in house, etc. Therefore, I think people who say blatantly racist things generally go on obliviously and blithely through life, spouting their garbage, and not really getting called on it. More importantly, they get few opportunities to re-examine, in practice, their views. (Many people insist they are not “racist” but a thousand little examples from their lives would contradict them.)

So. With that in mind, I think of an analogy, an extreme one to make my point. Let’s say, for example, you lose your mind and ability to distinguish right from wrong. You decide, “I think I will kill a random stranger with an axe tomorrow.” You also decide to tell ten people of your plan. Of course, probably each of the ten people offers very negative feedback. “That’s a terrible idea. It’s against the law. You’ll go to jail. You should not kill people.” Luckily, the response makes you think twice. You go to the hospital and get help.

However, what if each of the ten people were afraid to say anything? What if, though each person found the idea abhorrent, you were in YOUR house when you said it, and the person didn’t want to be rude to his host? What if each person thought, “That’s awful! But he’s obviously not going to change his mind, so what’s the point of saying so?” If no one said anything, and you went and killed the person, in one way you couldn’t really be blamed. No one told you it was a bad idea, and after all, you told ten people. If it was so wrong, why didn’t they speak up?

So I think about it like this: I know I am probably not the one to change her mind. However, it will probably be good for her to know that the whole world does not feel the same way. It might even make her think twice about saying it out loud the next time, just because of the uncomfortable factor. It may help other people looking on whose views are still being shaped. So, unless there is some very good reason not to (an example of which I can’t think of right now), I usually speak up, even if just to calmly and pleasantly indicate that I disagree. So, good for you. I am glad you said what you said.

9

i applaud what you said, it was neither rude nor stupid!

10

“People still say that? Out loud? In this day and age?” is my immediate reaction.

11

The thing that really irritates me about people in this area who say such things is that the reasons they give for not wanting EG in the neighborhood is because they don’t keep their properties perfect, have a lot of relatives living in one house, and in her case she drove by one time and saw an unusual, in this country, living arrangement inside the house. All this will bring down property values of course.

We certainly don’t want people in this neighborhood who place family closeness before yard care. That is definitely unAmerican.

12

Ha, I came in here to say there’s a support group for that, it’s called everybody. Instead I agree with the people who said you are not rude & stupid. Your response was perfect.

Arguing that [ethic group] was in another part of the neighborhood, well now, probably it sounded like you were backing off.

13

You may never change this person’s mind, but there may have been other people who overheard the conversation and secretly were glad you said something. People complain that political correctness doesn’t change what someone thinks; it just makes them not say what they think out loud. This is probably true, but when someone doesn’t say it out loud, it doesn’t reinforce the idea for other people who might be more on the fence.

I remember my dad saying something really racist at Thanksgiving dinner over ten years ago, and I still regret not saying something to him, even though I doubt many in my family would have agreed with me. And my dad has surprisingly grown a lot more mellow and tolerant in the years since, so maybe it might have made some difference if I had challenged him at the time.

14

Is this ethnic group so terrible we dare not speak its name?

Anyhoo, you shoulda blurted out, “but I’m half “EG”” Agree that trying to cover up with arguing that the terrible ethnic group (Inuits, Centaurs?) were OK since they were really far away in the neighborhood was not the morally correct course.

15

I bet it was Canadians.

16

It seems that this is just a situation where two motivations are in conflict. On one hand, you have a desire to have good manners and not insult the host in their home. On the other, you have a desire not to let a bigotted comment go by without comment.

Fortunately there is a solution, one that Miss Manners supports all the time: a passive aggressive response. Yes, I know those are annoying, but it seems they are ordinary in “good manners” circles.

So my response in this situation would be to say something like “Well, I really enjoy living in a multicultural neighborhood.” Said in the right way, it comes off as disapproving of the woman’s comment, and slightly accusatory because she apparently doesn’t agree with you. If said correctly, the hostess would have had the desire to “fix” her response. If, on the other hand, it appears she does not acknowledge your comment, you can be a bit stronger. “Oh, so have you met the <real family of the minority in question>. They are just a lot of fun.”

Get the idea? She can’t really say you were breaking any manners rules, you don’t actually embarrass her, as she has room to correct her mistake, and yet you come off as not accepting what she said to anyone who is paying attention. You may come off a bit pretentious, but, really, that will mostly be from racist people, and surely it’s worth it.

17

I like this, it’s quite mature and doesn’t break the boundaries of “propriety”.

Personally, after a few too many incidents in Ireland where, because someone realised I was British, I would share their prejudices about the multicultural nature of the British population (e.g. “I lived in Britain for a while but I left: too many blacks” with a conspiratorial wink as if my reason for moving there was the same as theirs for returning) I came up with the optimum solution for me.

If they started spouting bigotry, I would just cease to interact, uncomfortable silence be damned. Not agree, not disagree, just say nothing at all, and look past them. If they changed the subject, I would re-engage; if they didn’t, then I’d wait a few seconds and turn away or go somewhere else. It worked a charm. Most of the time they’d just look puzzled and fuck off. Sometimes they’d talk about something else, but if they returned to their bigotry I’d cease interacting again.

Not sure if I was being subtle, employing some weird psychological technique, or just looked like I was mad, but I didn’t care, because I felt comfortable with it, and it stopped me from getting into arguments.

18

The ethnic group is Hmong. We don’t really have any other ethnic groups around here so they’re the scapegoats.

Usually I have more subtle comments but she really caught me off guard. I have a few friends who say stupid shit about the Hmong in their neighborhood and I’ll usually say “Yeah, well when you grew up in a refugee camp you don’t pick up a lot of housekeeping tips” or “Yes, you wouldn’t want to live next to hardworking people with polite, well behaved, children” or “I know, it’s horrible when they have family gatherings every weekend and everyone parks in the street by your house”.

Thankfully there are a lot of people in this area who really don’t think this way so our neighborhoods are keeping a little diversity. The presence of Hmong will affect who buys a house (to the benefit of the neighborhood), not the price of the house.

19

Hmong?

This a definite “what would Clint Eastwood do” problem…

20

You should of said “Well…at least the neighborhood isn’t full of ni…”