No, your situation is not unique. Far from it.
If you keep thinking in those terms, then yes.
What are you suggesting… Redefining “ugly”? Shifting the paradigm?
When I was free and single, I would go for guys who I found attractive. Those were pretty guys, with nice bodies, and I couldn’t care less what other traits or qualities they had. I was not interested in them as boyfriends, friends or anything else.
With the man I’m going to marry in September, I fell in love with him for lots of reasons, but his looks didn’t really feature high on that list.
Now I love him, I think he’s the sexiest, most beautiful man on the planet.
I wouldn’t swap him for anyone (not even Gael Garcia Bernal). The average woman, when faced with a choice between Gael and Irishfella, and judging on looks alone, would take the movie star, but that would be their loss.
He is attractive and sexy to me because I love him, and I love him because of who he is, not what he looks like (but I think he’s damn fine).
Huh. We’ve had answers both thoughtful and funny, and I think we can safely come down to:
What really turns women on…
…is different to each individual woman.
:dubious: <grumble> Sounds a little like that old saw about “a man is what he does, not who he is.”
I’m not saying you believe that, necessarily, but sometimes people turn us on if they embody a little bit of a stereotype. The party-girl, the provider, the homemaker, the bad-boy.
Perhaps so many women admire men’s hands because they’re instruments of physicality.
And perhaps this is a line drive into left field…(sports metaphor! see how physical I am? huh? seeee?)…but it seems to me that intelligence in men goes over best with women when it’s either (a) very quiet and centered, suggesting a stable, physical presence, or (b) the kind of all-consuming crazed genius that virtually is a perceptible, physical thing (wild hair and clothes, fits of temper, unpredictability).
I’ve never thought of myself as particularly attractive. Like you, my standards for female attractiveness are very wide-ranging. This January I met a woman with whom I had been conversing on-line for several months. During that time we had discovered we had much in common, and felt that if nothing else we could be good friends. I had sent her a picture, but she didn’t have one to send me. When we met at the airport I took one look at her and thought that I couldn’t possibly be so lucky as to have someone that attractive think of me in a romantic way. By the end of the weekend we were discussing plans for my next visit. Now we’re talking about what we’re going to do after I retire and move down there in a few years. She still has trouble believing that I find her attractive.
She recently told me that one of the things that attracted her to me when we first met was that I had “kind, merry eyes.” I’ve got no idea where she gets that; I look in the mirror and my eyes don’t seem to have any expression to them. But I’m not going to argue with her.
I’d buy that.
The trouble is finding an individual woman. They’re almost as rare as individual men.
Vertically, I’m ok. Horizontally…yes. Quite adept 
Mmmmmm, I like that! A big, strong man holding a tiny baby, snuggled up to his chest, sleeping peacefully…very nice. Not the awkward way someone holds a baby when they’re a bit nervous and think the baby’s going to break, but holding it close to his chest, very snuggly and warm and cozy.
Other things that make me melt: Good hands, strong but gentle.
A good sense of humor (goofy is good) and a nice smile.
Eating an ice cream cone…that can be very sexy. And mangoes. Best if eaten naked in the backyard at midnight under a full moon.
Nice eyes–lively, intelligent, and alert. Eyes that sparkle when he laughs. I have a little crush on one of my co-workers, just because he has such a nice smile and sparkly eyes. Too bad he’s married.
Your situation may be unique BUT, I have to tell you that you may be looking at the wrong women or at *cross purposes or something. I have an acquaintance that I wouldn’t go out with if he was the last man on the planet, I find him interesting to talk to but otherwise… bleh! I am amazed at the number of my female freinds who are beisde themselves over him. We are talking about pining away for him. One of them told me about his soulful eyes and I about died. While I don’t consider him attractive in the least even as an intellectual exercise ie “he doesn’t do anything for me but I can see why soemone else who be interested.” There is some indefinanble spark that makes some attractive to me. I have two male freinds. One is absolutely gorgeous, smart, funny, has a good job etc/ the other is pretty average looking but also smart and funny with a good job etc. The second one is the one that I am attracted to. Why exactly? beats the heck outa me but damn I do like the boy.
*Cross purposes… as an example, I tend to be interested in physically fit men, Guys just out of the military can make me seriously lose my train of thought. Most men who are in shape look at someone way out of shape and think… ooh baby. While this specifically may not be the case for you. You may be experiencing something similar… I have another male freind who likes the blond brainless type chicks, the blond brainless type chicks however don’t usually like the intimidatinly smart geeky guys, he found one that does.
Perhaps the second is the one more attainable. Perhaps the second pays more attention to you because you are more in his “league”. Perhaps the first never sent you the same signals because he doesn’t find you are in his league and therefore you are less attracted to him because of a certain subtle level of rejection. Perhaps. :dubious:
Most women are.
Can’t agree with you on this one.
Wait, wait, wait…
You mean you are hitting on the one woman in this thread with whom I would fire on all cylinders? (except for the 6-pack abs)
I build cabinets and other carpentry items…
…can drive a boat…
…and all the other things she lists…
…c’mon, PunditLisa, how 'bout it??
And on a more OP-related note, I’ve found that most women find self-assured-ness as a turn-on. A man who is ‘comfortable in his own skin’ seems to have as much a chance, regardless of whether he’s an Adonis or not. Additionally, I have to wonder how many of the guys claiming they aren’t attractive are also still relatively young, say, in their early-to-mid-twenties. I didn’t hit my stride looks-wise until I was in my late twenties…seems like that’s when I kinda filled out and such, when I’d always been wiry throughout high school and college. So, young guys, give time a little chance - and doing something physical, like building some fence or repairing a motor or running a chainsaw, instead of playing PS2 or XBox certainly can’t hurt…
Oops. sorry left out the “don’t”. They DON’T find unfit women attractive as a rule. Oh well the point I was making was lost anyway.
::Swoon::
Sorry, Dirk, no can do. I’m game but Mr. Pundit won’t have any of it. (Whatever.) Keep building things, though. I’m quite enjoying the visual.
That’s really, really too bad pouts - since I also play guitar…and sing…yep, had a shot at a recording contract once, too…
Curious to check some definitions here…
I don’t have a “good job” (as defined by status, a paycheck that could choke an ox, and the ability to both give and take crap), but I have an interesting occupation (freelance graphic design and media consulting, supplemented by jazz saxophone).
I’m “comfortable in my own skin”, but not necessarily comfortable in whatever skin society wants to place me in. I certainly don’t define myself by what other men, or women, expect from a man. I am too diverse and complex just to define myself by my goodies.
Ladies, does any of this ring positive with you? If not I’ll brag shamelessly about my good points. (For two, I go all goofy over babies and cats and my singing voice can make old women cry.)
Sounds good to me! Just one question–when you say your singing makes old women cry, is that crying because your singing is so lovely, or because it hurts their ears? Just askin’.
Do you sing to babies? That’s even sexier than cuddling babies.
I’m saying that if you subscribe to visual deviation from mediocrity as a measure of someone’s desireability, you should be consistent with that and only hit on women who look as good as you think you yourself look.
I personally have never made that mistake. If anything, I’ve been slightly prejudiced against people who spend a lot of time on their looks, because all that time wasn’t spent on, say, reading a good book.
Ultimately, if you learn to value what’s really important, you’ll find that you will associate the looks of whichever person represent those values and find those attractive.
(And on a more superficial level, of course, there are also the pheromones … )
Darwin, if I remember correctly, you had a thread a little while ago about feeling depressed and completely unloved and unloveable (if that wasn’t you, oops. Somebody around here was feeling pretty low.) Can you admit the possibility that you actually are feeling pretty low right now, and that’s colouring your optimism? Just because it’s never happened before doesn’t mean it never will happen. It just hasn’t happened yet. If the dating thing isn’t working out for you at the moment, let go of it, move on, and focus on the rest of your life.
I know, easy to say, harder to do, but we all have some area in our lives that just seem intractable. Mine is my career - I’m 38, and I still haven’t figured out what I want to be when I grow up. I could get myself tied up in knots about it, but it wouldn’t help anything. I just have to let go of worrying about it and hope that it’ll work out someday.
Here’s a happy thought for you - when we all get old and wrinkly and grey, you’ll be just as attractive as the rest of us. And there are two old women for every old guy - you’ll be beating them off you with a stick in the old folk’s home!