Guyspeak at 2 am

The BBQ Pit
1

For days the husband maintains he is in good health while snorting, snarfling, sneezing, coughing, spitting, and making noises that can only be described as an oversized backed-up toilet struggling to deal brontosaurus shit. Last night, prior to bed, he confesses to feeling slightly off peak.

At 2 am I am shaken awake only to hear “I’M DYING HELP ME I’M DYING snnnnnnnnnnnnark-ptoui! I’M DYING”

OK, potential-target-of-my-frying-pan, it’s fucking 2 am, I’m barely half awake, and I am not some buddy of yours named Bill or Bob or even Rupert. Which of the 3 possible translations of the above should I use?

  1. I have suddenly realized I am sick and want some woman (you, the wife) to mommy me because I feel bad, fetch me kleenex, fetch me a drink of water, and listen to me rant, snort, and make mucus noises.

  2. I am finally conceeding I am sick and I am now willing to go to the doctor as you have been encouraging me to do all week, ever since I started hawking up green lung boogers the size of a five year old child.

  3. I am really dying this time, call 911.

BTW - I, too, have been sick for days with all of the same above symptoms. Please do not tell me that expelling primordial slime from my body is “cute” or whatever appeals to your sick, twisted sense of guy humor because frankly I am woman, hear me wheeze, I am having no patience with guy bullshit and YOU should be taking care of ME, you bastard, because until last night I was sicker than you. No, I do not want to compare booger collections or reflect upon the rainbow of colors we are both generating in the depths of our lungs.

>snort< >snarf< >gag< >cough< >spit<

2

Thanks for the visual. How … pleasant.
-Syko

3

This is the funniest thing I have read all day.

Carry on.

4

Frying pans don’t kill people, people kill people.

5

Yeah, but couldn’t you just whip up some chicken soup or something, since you’re awake already?

6

i would go with #2

i can’t speak for all men, but i can speak for myself (and apperantly your husband).
I don’t like going to the doctor. in fact, i hate it. i’d rather suffer through 3 weeks of intense sickness than go to the doc and get a prescription yo have it over in only 1 week. doctors are pill-happy, over medicating quacks. prescribe all you want, i can get over my illness myself with a little advil sinus and some thera-flu. this includes everything from the sniffles to cancer.

fortunately, this isn’t something i worry too much about since i only get sick once every few years (blame my overactive norwegian immune system). but i’d imagine your husband thinks the same way.
so if he’s howling for you at 2 am, this is probably just him finally asking for help.

7

Actually, if they’re “howling” I generally assume they aren’t dying too actively. It’s when the noise volume slacks off I get really worried.

8

Of course this is right answer, what else are women good for?

I’m just kidding, just kidding, relax.

[sub]I’m sure you are a great cook and give good BJs, too.[/sub]

::runs like hell::

9

i thought this was going to be a thread about the incredable lies we tell to women at last call to get them to go to bed with us!

10

mouthbreather, you are so going straight to hell.

[sub]Mostly 'cos you forgot the cleaning bit.[/sub]

11

It may be best to reflect on the fact that
a) women are indeed the stronger sex,
b) it’s nice to be wanted/needed but the S.O. should realise that it’s much nicer to be wanted/needed during normal business hours,
c) You now have ammunition to use the NEXT time he decides to “be strong” and “not let it get to him”.
Make him write 100 words about why he’ll never, ever not take your advice about seeing a doctor again before he wakes you up in the middle of the night, have said letter framed, hung above bed, and point to it in knowing silence next time he snorts and says he doesn’t need a doctor.

Hope you feel better soon.

Hope the hubby does too, but only after being sufficiently contrite.

b.