Normally I’d say don’t burden the other person with your guilt, but since he cheated on his ex-wife with you, tell your boyfriend so he knows how shitty it feels. Maybe he won’t do it when he’s with someone else. Then break up with him and find an unattached guy. But if you feel like cheating on him, break up with him first.
Really, you need to do some growing up. All this drama is ridiculous.
No doubt.
Thelmalou’s don’t fret yourself with guilt is a big WTF for me.
This. Are you sure you are even in a relationship with your BF anymore?
The guilt will be with her forever. Fretting/dwelling on it will not make it go away. There is no way to make it go away. The OP asked how to “deal with” the guilt. There is no way to deal with it in the sense of doing anything to change the past or to put the eggs back in their shells. What’s done is done, and as a grown-up who made a mistake, you will live with that forever.
You seem to think I was saying to blow off the guilt, don’t give it a thought-- who cares. I’m saying just the opposite: you will never be able to blow it off. This is a permanent change in your internal landscape. But fretting, dwelling on it, ruminating-- none of these things will help you feel better or change the past. You just have to learn to live with it.
Does that clarify?
I kind of feel like the OP is trying to paint herself as the victim here. An affair isn’t something that “happened to you”. And the way you describe it, it wasn’t something that was a temporary lapse of judgment or a drunken encounter. You chose to have one and continue having one for an extended period of time.
Of course given that your BF moved to a new city, doesn’t want to get married, you don’t have sex any more and barely see each other, I would look at it as less of an “affair” and more of a sign that you want more out of a relationship that what you’re getting.
I could be wrong here, but my understanding was that the “affair and part of one” the OP mentioned was actually the same affair - she cheated on her boyfriend, and her affair partner cheated on his wife to be with the OP. There is no mention of the boyfriend having had an affair, although the OPs clarification actually confuses this.
As for your problem, OP, looks to me like you’re in a relationship that is currently going to leave you vulnerable to these temptations, and that you need to decide whether you want to be in it anymore so that you can either knuckle down and bear it more, or free yourself to meet other, available, partners.
Deny, deny, deny. Never tell anyone. For argument, let’s expand it, and say that you murdered the guy. Would you ever admit to anyone? No, because the probably of a very bad outcome is intolerably high. against the psychic gnawing to get it off your chest.
I’m a bit late to this discussion, but I just wanted to say that if you had an affair, it’s a sign that your relationship isn’t in the best condition. Find out why you did it, and if those problems with your bf can’t be resolved, it’s time to break up. Neither of you deserve to be in this relationship if it can be compromised so easily.
Motivated - Four years ago, I ended up involved with someone while I was married. The guilt SUCKS. The judgement from people who think (and say!) really terrible things about you sucks, too. It took me about a year to not think about it daily. It took another year, a prescription for anti-depressants, and some work with a psychiatrist for me to stop thinking about killing myself (that was only partially related to the guilt, I was also just plain depressed, which was part of the criteria this guy picked when he found girls. Bad combo for my mental health).
I quoted ThelmaLou, however, because her points hit home for me. It’s there, it’s not going to go away, but if you work hard and are lucky, you can learn to accept it. Constantly thinking and dwelling on it don’t fix it. There’s nothing you can do to make yourself feel “better” about it, other than learn to accept who you are as a whole person, flaws and all.
And be prepared that if anyone you know - including coworkers - finds out, at least one or two of them will say shockingly horrible things to and/or about you and/or start to treat you differently.
In my case, a lot of these points, even the contradictory ones, are true. Yes, it started with a temporary lapse in judgement. I was in a position where I was depressed and frustrated, and my husband wasn’t there for me emotionally in ways he needed to be. Someone else saw an opportunity and swooped in to be my knight in shining armor. It’s a schtick I shouldn’t have fallen for, and today, probably wouldn’t. Next thing I knew, I was in bed with him. And… then what? I break it off with him, when he’s got all the power? I was still hurt and broken as a person, and now I’ve given someone else the upper hand in my emotional life… I felt totally stuck in being involved with this guy. It started because of a short-term lapse in judgement… but it continued. I could easily tell myself it “happened” to me. I don’t, most days, but… I can’t say I never do.
I’m going to Disneyland!
Honestly, I would not worry about anything. Just go on about your life. It’s all just hormones.
You haven’t had sex in a year? What is your definition of boyfriend? If guilt is your problem, you are hereby absolved. Go and sin no more.
Step A: Invite both your regular partner and Mr. Older-and-Hotter over to dinner and movie afterwards. Serve decent drinks. Introduce them.
Step B: Show She’s Gotta Have It as the movie du jour
Step C: When movie is finished, refresh everyone’s wine glass and put one hand on each guy’s left knee and you say to them, “So… I hear they call it polyamory nowadays.”
If you haven’t had sex with your boyfriend in a year, I don’t understand why you didn’t just call after the first time slipping and falling into bed and say “it’s over. I’ve found somebody new.”
You could still do that. You’d still be fucking a married guy, unless you really have stopped,but you’d be halfway home, anyway.
There’s no reason to man up to your BF because he’s not really your BF. Why dredge up all that negativity when that relationship is, for all intents and purposes, over? But I would formalize the break-up because it will help you bring closure.
Then, start afresh without either guy. Neither is what you need.
Probably because we have been together for quite some time. The first little while I dealt with it. You are probably right, I should have. Its over now. Headed out there this weekend. I actually came clean about the affair, just never said who it was with and he never asked. He was pretty understanding and blamed himself for me leading to that. As much as I wanted to say “yes it was” I reassured him, that it was not him at all. We have decided to try to remain friends.
I have stopped the affair completely and will not let it happen again. I found out earlier today that we are both scheduled in tomorrow for a surgery. Luckily there will be other staff in the room. I will refuse to be alone in any room with this man. And will continue to ignore all means of communication.
Thanks to everyone for your advice!
Very well put. However I told him. Facepalm. Just figured after seven years he deserved to know who he was with.
I strenuously disagree with this. I coincidentally just heard an author on a Slate podcast talking about how “happy couples cheat too”.