Hamburgers

In My Humble Opinion
1

I love hamburgers. I really really love hamburgers. But I live in the Bay Area. I can buy arugula, amaranth, fresh durian, every Asian cuisine known to man, but I can’t buy a friggin decent hamburger!

Nation’s is OK, if you like em cooked all the way through and juiceless. They come with grilled onions. There’s that, anyway.

Original Joe’s can be very good, but it’s really iffy. Sometimes they’re great, and sometimes they taste like the ground beef been left out overnight. (They don’t refrigerate the burger meat, just leave in out in a big hotel pan.)

I’ve heard Joe’s Cable Car is good, but it’s an hour or more away by PT, so I’ve never been.

Plus, nobody makes em as big as I like em. I like really really large hamburgers.

So I made myself one last night. Gotta do this when the wife’s not around, cuz it really stinks up the house.

  1. Heat up the skillet really hot; sprinkle liberally with salt.

  2. Take 12 oz (yep, you read me right) burger meat with plenty of fat (none of this 90% meat to fat ratio) and make it into a ball. When it’s this big, you can really char the hell out of the outside without turning it into shoe leather.

  3. Put the ball in the skillet, take a handful of sliced onions, and squish the onions into the ball as you push it down into a hamburger shape. It’s my understanding that this is called “Oklahoma City-style.”

  4. Set the timer for four minutes. Oh yeah, don’t forget to turn the hood fan on high.

  5. Put some bread in to toast. I would prefer to use a Widoff’s bulkie roll, even a Lederman’s if I had to, but rolls and bread in general suck out here in CA.

  6. Slice some cheese, cheddar or swiss or both (optional). Slice a good tomato. Only use it if it’s good. Get the pickles, ketchup and mayonaisse out of the fridge.

  7. Flip the burger when the timer goes off; place cheese on if using; set timer for three minutes. This will ensure it’s cooked to medium.

  8. Spread toast thinly with mayonaisse. Put big blob of ketchup on top slice. Put sliced dill pickle on bottom.

  9. Put burger on pickles. Put tomato on top of burger. Place top slice of toast on burger. Set timer for two minutes. (Gotta give the juices a chance to settle back into the center of the meat or they’ll all run out when you cut it.) Keep the fan on. Place skillet in sink and run water into it so it stops smoking.

  10. Open potato chips and Dr. Pepper (or beer if you drink). When timer goes off, turn off fan, cut burger in half, sit at table, and try not to moan too loudly; the neighbors will hear you. Mop chin periodically. Dab ineffectually at juice stains on T-shirt. Try not to wolf your food, chew it, dammit!

  11. Lay on back on couch with 20-pound cat on stomach, Giants game on radio, and crime novel in hand. Sigh with repleteness and ecstasy.

  12. Tune out wife’s complaints on how disgusting the house smells when she gets home.

  13. Attempt not to repeat more than every three weeks or so.

  14. Fail.

  15. Wish that they still sold Buster Crabbe T-shirts.

2

C’mon, there has to be an In-and-out burger somewhere around the bay area. Get a double double or a 4X4. Hungry? Six by six is exactly what you think.
I love burgers too. I’m not too picky, In-and -out rules, but Fatbugers is great too. And there is always Carls, BK, and (gasp) McDonalds.

3

I haven’t been there in years, but there used to be a place in SF called, I believe, Hamburger Mary’s that was pretty good. Are they still around?

BTW, I would have posted earlier, but your OP made me have to go have lunch.

4

Can we call ya Wimpy from now on?

(from Popeye :p)

I loved Hamburger Mary’s burgers and I also happen to love Hard Rock Cafe’s burgers! You have a HRC in SF! :slight_smile:

5

Hamburger Mary’s is gone. You may call me Wimpy if it pleases you.

6

Damn those e-coli outbreaks, denying us burger mavens our medium rare slab of cardiovascular plaque!

I found a clamp to the table, hand cranked meat grinder at the Sally Ann for the princely sun of $4.29. Fresh ground chuckburgers, crispy on the outside, rare on the inside, mmm mmmm good! None of that Costco recalled every three months hamburger for me anymore.

(insert happy piggy noises here)

7

I don’t know if it was by law, but where I used to work, we were not allowed to serve anything other than a well-done burger. One member of the golf club complained to the point where he actually signed a waiver to get a medium-rare one. But then, the membership at a private golf club is somewhat older, and there is more risk of e. coli infections in the elderly.

8

Not even fast food chains?
Wendy’s makes a decent burger.

9

Bless you heart Guin, I know you really believe that.

10

Ringo, thanks for the compliment; I missed it first time around.

Guin, Nation’s is a fast food chain, albeit a very small one. I’ll eat a fast food burger. In and Out is pretty damn good for fast food. Animal style, rroowwrr. But there is a world o’ difference between a 2 oz patty cooked to death and 12 oz of burger perfection dripping luscious crimson juice.

Annie, you understand! Bless you… (sniff)

11

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=111538&highlight=fatburger

As you can see from the mess above, I am not real good at searches, but that was a thread not too long ago about FATBURGER vs IN 'N OUT burgers.

12

Damn. That’s the major thing I miss about being a vegetarian, is the hamburgers. MMmm… I can get over steak, chicken,etc. But there’s nuthin’ like a good hamburger, eh?

On that note, my dad likes to grill hamburgers a lot during the summer. For Father’s Day I sent him some hamburger patties from is Arkansas Steak Company IIRC. The pack contained sixteen patties: 8 “steak” burgers that contain ground beef and steak bits, and 8 “bacon” burgers, which of course contain ground beef and bacon. Sounded delicious.