**
“At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.”**
It was at this point that I started with the nervous giggles, and didn’t stop laughing until the very end. I think I scared the dog.
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks a lot, Scylla, for constructing my most terrifying vanity search result ever. The rest of the story though, okay, it makes up for it.
Not being much of a handyman, I keep reading the thread title as “Hamsters razor blades and eyeballs,” and so I imagined Scylla remarking Un Chien Andalou… with hamsters.
God help me if he goes back and tells her he needs to top it all off with a maraschino cherry.
About twenty years ago, I had a temp job as secretary to an executive at American Express. His job was to find and contract for all those speical offers that come tucked into your AmEx bills. (“Join our Wine Club!” “Jewelry Perfection for Cardholders!” etcetera).
Years before I ever went to work for AmEx Exec, he had contracted witha company which promised to find and import really cool furs from Europe. And indeed they had found some really beautiful fur coats. However, while looking over samples, AmEx Exec ntoed that one of them was a beautiful, close-cut, silky golden fur from a German source.
“Hey, what is this stuff?” asked AmEx Exec.
Translation ensued. Yup, it was hamster fur.
“We can’t sell that in America!” he responded. Alas, they’d already contracted to buy a boatload of lovely hamster coats. Solution: “Let’s call it by its German Name: Amster.” Next set of statement stuffers featured a lovely collection of fur coats you could buy through AmEx, including a long and short amster coat.
Like this fooled anybody.
Thousands of outraged parents and their ten-year-old daughters wrote in for weeks and weeks: “How could you kill Mr. Fluffy to make a COAT, you sick, evil people? Cancel my card!”
At the time I worked for him, over five years later, we still got one to two letters a week in this vein, even though the product had been withdrawn, deep-sixed, destroyed, and everyone connected with the decision had claimed it was Some Otherguy who’d decided to do it.
But now, I learn that Scylla (mild-mannered, softspoken, the neighbors all said was “real quiet, you know?”)–apparently Scylla is planning to sell Amster Coats. Again.
Wait’ll the letters start coming…
Good lord, why couldn’t I have found this place earlier!
I am SO finding one of those blimps…
Bring it! This hamster has been holding his own on the internet for years! Mawahahaha!
That reminds me of the time I went to the local late night grocery store and bought chocolate ice cream, tampons and WD-40…
Once a guy came to my register and bought a cantaloup and two home enemas. I guess one was an impulse buy.
Well, there was one time when I was peaking on acid and a cop came over to ask me if the skinhead guy was with us… :eek:
Truth be told, when I saw the thread title, my first thought was “Cool, Frankenham!” I thought the eyebolts were going to be where the wires connected to reanimate the little creature with a lightning strike.
But then I realized that would be ridiculous. A lightening bolt would just fry the little sucker. But if you stick a fork in a light socket, that might be enough juice to animate the hamster parts without cooking him.
What?
I actually did buy my machete at Wal-Mart.
Why are you looking at me like that?
I haven’t blundered quite this badly, but I’ve come close…
Background: My son was in diapers and I had a colonoscopy scheduled for the next morning.
I approached a saleslady and asked where I could find enemas and diapers…
When she looked at me in disgust I had the epiphany that I could not, then or ever, redeem myself to her.
I was shopping at the Wal Mart
The way I always do
Needed hamsters 'blades and eyebolts
I didn’t have a clue
The innocent Wal Martian
Somehow she got stuck
'tween toys, sundries and hardware
She was down on her luck
And me, down on my luck
We were down on our luck
Now I’m hiding out in housewares
I’m a desperate man
Send hamsters 'blades and eyebolts
The shit has hit the (oscillating) fan
Send hamsters 'blades and eyebolts…OH!
We were down on our luck.
They gave me special nasty stuff to cleanse the ol’ colon the night before…was this the best Dotor your insurance company could afford, or have I time traveled forward to Public Health Care and Death Panels? 
All 4 proctologists I’ve used [4 moves, in 3 states] have used different protocols. All of them prescribed stuff to clean me out the night before. Two of them prescribed stuff to clean more out the morning of.
Hey We aren’t hijacking this thread! Just talking about people who have seen (and removed) Hamsters, Razor Blades, and Eyebolts 
I used to try, but I gave it up as useless.
You get the same expression from the associate when you buy Halloween candy and razor blades together. Don’t ask me how I know this.
Regards,
Shodan
Each time I glance over this thread I keep thinking that it’s “Hamsters, razor blades, and eyeballs” and I thought it’d be a new variation on building hamster fighting machines.
Anyone else but* me see the following ad at the bottom of this page?:
Cleansing for First Time?
Remove waste & toxins. Feel better. Photos & testimonials. BBB A+ rated
Gotta love those robo ad generators.
*Pun sold separately
Excellent description. I’ve always felt that Walmart was the land of the Walking Dead. I’ve given explicit instructions to friends that if they ever see me working there as a greeter to shoot me immediately in the head.
