Well, I get to join the ranks of the newly single. My wife, after 17 years, 2 kids, and 2 self-help books, has decided that she needs to change. Of course, this means that we can no longer be married to each other. WTF? Granted, I need to fix a few things about me, too, but you don’t see me kicking her out, do you?
Sometime in the next couple of weeks I’ll be finding a new domicile. I’m waiting until finals are over. I will really be glad when this semester is over–it’s been really sucky so far.
Of course, now I can go to the nearest Dopefest! Any near El Paso, TX or in Utah near the end of June?
I’m leaving because she makes more money than I do and is in a much better position to keep the house than I am. She also likes the neighborhood better than I do–long story.
barking spider:
So far I’m taking it well because we had already talked about separating. She just sprang this divorce thing on me the other day, and it won’t sink in until that first holiday I get to spend alone with a jigsaw puzzle or something.
Do not. Do not. Do not. DO NOT sign anything or make any hard decisions or binding representations to her regarding real estate, division of assets, custody etc. at this time when you are in a resigned, disgusted mode. I was in your position in 1995 and because I was in resigned/angry/disgusted mode made several bad and extremely stupid "well just take it then"decisions that my lawyer pulled me out if in the nick of time. In hindsight I can’t imagine what the hell I was thinking.
This is a time of high emotion. You need to (no make that YOU MUST) see an attorney to get the big picture as to how this will probably play out given your state’s divorce, custody, child support and asset division laws. You can be assured that regardless of whatever she tells you that she has probably already had several discussions with her attorney. You need to protect yourself. You will extraordinarily sorry later on if you don’t get good legal advice now.
"I’m leaving because she makes more money than I do and is in a much better position to keep the house than I am. "
But it’s the 00’s (damn them for not figuring out the correct way to say this). Alimony and support is a two way street these days. She should be prepared to continue to support you in the manor in which you are accustomed.
It is her choice… she lives with the consequences.
(ok, I’m not divorced, but I’m sure I’d be as vindictive as hell)
OK, I’ve just got to come in on the other side from most of these other people.
As a newly divorced guy myself, I know where you’re coming from, Payne. Let me assure you that, despite what astro implied, it is not necessarily a fact that your soon-to-be ex-wife is plotting to screw you out of everything.
That said, he is right in saying that you need to be careful. I’m just saying that it’s not necessarily a good idea to suspect your ex of treachery.
Of course, I got to keep the house, despite the fact that the ex makes more money than I do, and my divorce was extraordinarily amicable. So I may be biased.
Oh, and PS–what Mr. Cynical said. It’s true, and I’m not even actually officially divorced yet; it won’t happen for two weeks or so. Still, it does get better.
Hey, Payne, I’m sorry that the marriage didn’t last. Seventeen years is a long time.
I’m up here in Albuquerque, and I know there is not much of a chance of a Dopefest in New Mexico. What about Phoenix? The best margaritas in the world are to be had at Los Dos Molinos in South Phoenix.
Am I the only divorced woman to reply to this thread so far? Well… ok. I was the one who wanted the divorce. I sprang it on my (ex)husband after planning it for almost a year (long story). He was the one to move out even thought *I * was the one who wanted the divorce. If he’d refused to leave then I would’ve left but our daughter was only 21 months old at the time and it was easier for him to move out instead of me having to move my stuff and my daughter’s stuff.
My divorce was final one month after he moved out. It would’ve been over sooner but he didn’t want to sign the papers right away… but he’s an asshole. sigh I’m rambling… anyway, please listen to what everyone is telling you when they say don’t sign anything in regard to the house or other joint property, stocks, mutual funds, etc., etc.. Get an attorney and get one that specializes in divorce!
And it definitely does get better. I’ve been divorced for almost 3 years and thank g-d everyday that I am!! Feel free to e-mail me if you’d like to vent or something!
Although I know nothing about either situation, I just felt in Payne’s case, with older children than yours, that since his wife wants “change”, why should he be the one shoved out of the nest? Why can’t the kids stay with him? Why should they lose daily contact with their dad just because she’s restless? If she doesn’t want them to be a family, she should leave, on her own, and see how she likes it. Maybe realizing that she can’t opt out AND keep all the good stuff will make her think twice about destroying her family while under the influence of self-help crap.
This unsolicited advice is from a woman whose husband wanted change, and left, and left me all the goodies…the two kids. So I’m not grinding my own axe here. I just think if there was no abuse on Payne’s part, she shouldn’t get to destroy his relationship with the kids so easily.
