I was touching up my resume and suddenly thought that I could slant it towards the Pope job (I know that no-one is doing it at the moment) but I’m stuffed if I can find the ad anywhere. What are the essentials? And what duties am I expected tp perform? Are there any desirable attributes that applicants should have? Will they check my police record? Should I mention the atheism?
Surely there a few Dopers applying. How about helping a fellow Doper.
PS. Can you get good Asian takeaway at the Vatican because I’m not that big a fan of Italian food.
You might mention that, should the occasion call for it, you would be more than happy to shit in the woods.
I suspect, though, that not liking Italian food may well make your candidacy a non-starter. I hear they’re big on that. Of course, IANAC, so YMMV.
The essential is that you be a baptised and confirmed male member of the Catholic Church.
Implicitly essential is that at least a few cardinals know who the hell you are before they go into conclave: you can’t let them know of youur existence afterwards.
Highly desirable is that you be a cardinal.
The police record may not matter, depending on the record. John Paul II probably had a police record, and given that it was from the Polish police, that probably counted in his favour.
But I suspect the atheism disqualifies you from being a member of the Catholic Church, and hence from being Pope
When they were talking about the possibility of the Pope resigning, I have to admit I always wondered what you would put on your CV.
1978-2005: Pope Holy See, Vatican City
[ul]
[li]Supreme spiritual leader to one billion Catholics worldwide[/li][li]Infallible vicar of Christ[/li][li]Worldwide travel for apostolic mission[/li][li]Some typing[/li][/ul]
I’ve gone to churches and I’ve checked around, but the job hasn’t been posted. I mean, it should have been put up this weekend, what with the job having been recently vacated. I know they don’t actually start the interview process until later this month, but you’d think they’d at least tell you where to send your résumé. And then they wonder why I don’t go to church anymore.
The infallibility part is no problem. I mean, I can act like I’m never wrong. That’s a start, isn’t it?
That’s sort of a recent innovation, though. Taking all the centuries together, the average Pope didn’t worry too much about it. So given the long tenure of the previous officeholder, you might be able to say in the interview, “I can’t compete with that; I’ll be happy if I’m average.”
Besides, as the Pope, you’d be infallible so you can change the rules, right? Maybe sleep with a couple of nubile virgins and say that you were inspired by Gandhi (or Michael Jackson, whoever inspires you). Oh, and if one of us gets in: if you change the masses to “pig latin” or “ubba-wubby” I’d probably attend now and then.
While I’m on a role, another great marketing tip: use the guy from Sideways to market mass and the transubstantiation. Something with a “I’m not drinking any Merlot…” and then show him sipping from the sacrificial chalice. And maybe introduce two for one blood of Christ on slower nights to up the attendance.
Shibb, the idea man who is apparently now going to hell. Directly to hell. I will not pass Go nor collect $200.
POPE
Qualified candidates requested for Earthen representative of Christ Our Lord™. Must be willing to travel, bless, perform masses and/or miracles, canonize saints, communicate with Heaven. Catholic candidates preferred.
Call 555-POPE or email resume to www.vatican.va
Funny you should mention…as my boyfriend’s looking for work and I suggested this a possible. (Given that that abstinence thing seems to have been honored more in it’s neglect than its observance historically speaking I don’t think it would change our relationship much.)
But as I noted to him, one particular criteria for popedom is that you must be…intact. I mean, whether or not you acually uses them, they must be there, both of them, and in fact, you must be ready and able to confirm this to the entire collage of Cardinals.
What I’m saying is it takes balls to be the Pope.
Just something you might want to mention in the cover letter.
