Have any of you settled for the person you're currently with?

There have been instances in life and on this board, stories of people who were in love, had their heart broken and ended up with the person who was there to pick up the pieces.

Not too long ago there was a thread by a guy who was distraught to learn about a fling his current long term girlfriend had with a stud in the bathroom. It led me to believe that the woman, after having her fun realized that kind of life would never work, and looking for a bit of security, decided to settle for the OP. At least that seems to be the impression he gave, and to me it seems to be the way he felt.

There have been instances of discussing past love and relationships on this board where people have used the “don’t get me wrong, I love my (girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife/SO)…” which makes me wonder, what would your SO think if they stumbled upon the thread and read those words? Why the need to preface a point by saying that?

I’ve been told before that not being in a relationship at my age is no big deal, and that I’ll have women flocking to me when I’m in my 30s. But considering that most of those girls who will be my age when I’m 30 are my age now leads me to believe that most of them, by age 30, will be done with their “wild, fun times” and now that they realize none of those men make suitable husbands, will come to guys like me in search of security. Not only does the thought of such a scenario infuriate me, it also sounds a hell of a lot like women are willing to settle once they reach a certain age.

Part of me doesn’t know what to make of it. On one hand, I don’t know what kind of chances I would actually have with a girl I’m attracted to, so maybe hoping they settle for me eventually is my best hope, unless I myself am willing to settle for a girl I’m not absolutely crazy for.

So, can anyone on here honestly say they’ve settled for their current SO? Or are you with someone you’re truly crazy about?

I settled for my now-ex-husband. I was 28 and believed he was my last and only chance to get married and have a family. I was violently ill the entire night before the wedding and came down with severe hives the day of the wedding. I ignored my body’s desperate messages, and toughed it out in hopes that things would work out for the best. I ended up in a miserable marriage for 15 years, with two amazing children, who I wouldn’t have otherwise had. They ended up having to live with unhappy parents and ultimately a divorce, which is still troubling one of them who is not yet grown.

Settling is wrong, period. For her, for you, for your future family. If anyone out there is even considering doing that, please don’t.

I married the first person I ever dated, and grow more committed every day. Some would call that “settling”, but of what, other than nerves and a lot of angst, I’ll never understand. :wink:

My wife and I discussed this very thing before we got married. We refused to “settle”. So many people we both knew had settled for somebody as opposed to nobody, and an awful lot of them were miserable. If we were going to do this, we were going to do it for all the right reasons, and because it was the best thing for either of us. If there had been even the tiniest hint of “well, maybe I’ll never do better…” on either side, then it wouldn’t be happening.

I needed to prove to myself that marriage was in fact not a nightmarish, drama-filled ordeal, with the arguing and fighting and broken dreams, as I had seen so many times. I had not met a woman who could have helped me prove this theory until my wife came into my life. I was 37. She was 1500 miles away. I gave up everything to come here and marry her, and find out that, actually, I was right. It’s been a wonderful time in my life, being married to her.

Now, if I had thought it was a stupid idea to pursue, and didn’t follow up on it because of distance or other drawbacks, I know I would have settled for somebody, eventually. And I would have kicked my own ass every day until I die for doing it. Knowing what I know now, I would have good reason to do it, too.

Don’t settle. You owe it to yourself not to.

People get married for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it’s love, and sometimes it’s security, prestige, children, big money, loneliness, cover, and on and on, including multiples of the above.

If you WANT to marry for love and marry for another reason, you’ll never be truly happy. I suppose that can be called “settling”. But I’ve seen plenty of relationships where each person had a different reason for marrying, and it still works out.

You might want to consider the fact that women who marry for the wrong reasons when they’re young may be ready for the real thing (possibly with you) when they’re older. There’s someone for everyone. You just need to find each other.

Umm…what? This has not been the case with the single friends I know. I wouldn’t count on this being true if I were you.

Which part of it? What I meant was that people have told me “Oh, lots of girls your age just aren’t ready to settle down. Once they’ve had their fun and realize those guys and that lifestyle isn’t what they’re looking for, they’ll be looking for a guy like you who can offer security who’s willing to settle down.” I didn’t necessarily mean I’d be beating women off with a stick.

You pretty much always settle, that I’ve seen. Even those who swear they were made for each other will be checking out the new faces at every party, looking for somebody looking back.

Hmm…I’d re-parse that to, “Wow, you’re ready to settle down in your 20s? That’s pretty early, and most girls aren’t. They’re still looking to explore and be commitment free. Since you aren’t, they’re not going to find you attractive right now. But once you’re in an age bracket where commitment is more attractive, like your 30s, you’ll find more women attracted to you.”

And I don’t think “settle down” is synonomous with “settle”. I chose my husband for many reasons, one of which was that we were both ready to “settle down” and be in a commited relationship and raise a family together. But I didn’t “settle” for him in that he was my second or third choice or anything…

Is that what you want anyway, to settle down? Or is that what you think you have to offer since you never get women and aren’t good at dating? If the latter is true, then YOU’D be the one settling for someone. What would you prefer, causally dating some women and finding one over time, or meeting a woman who wants to settle down and offering her the “security” that she’s looking for, giving up a chance at playing the field before you’ve had the chance to get in the game?

I really don’t want to wait til I’m 30. I want to date now. I’ve been told the whole “when you’re 30” spiel when I’ve lamented about being lonely. People have told me “don’t worry about being alone, because when you’re in your 30s you’ll be the kind of guy women want to settle down with because they’ll be done with all the casual dating and the guys who won’t make good partners.” I sure as hell don’t want to have to wait that long though. I’d much rather be a part of some girls “wild, fun times” than be the person she decides to settle for when she wants security instead of fun and excitement.

Right . . . so you don’t want to settle down either, you just want to get some women interested in you and have some fun . . . maybe some 1-night stands, a few short term relationships.

You just need to get in the game. The more active your social life is, the better chances you will have. You’re 21? There’s PLENTY of time. Make a concerted effort to make more friends, push yourself out of your comfort zone a bit, go out boozing with all of your friends as much as possible, comb your hair, wipe the crust out of your eyes, buy a new pair of jeans, and the next thing you know you’ll be swimming in pussy! :eek:

No, no one night stands. And how do you define a short term relationship? I’m never going to willing get into something if I know before hand it’s only short term. I’m going to date and be with a girl if I want to be with her. If it works out, it works out, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. I don’t plan to date on a schedule.

Yay, Soapbox. Boo Rhino.

I think you just need to actually date. Go out on a date. Ask someone to lunch or coffee or something noncommittal. You can’t know until you get out there. You might meet the right girl first time out of the box and you might date for a decade before you find the right one.

Do you collect Steve Austin action figures?

Just kidding. So your are looking to settle down after all. Right on. Put yourself in a position to meet more women. It’s a law of numbers. The more you meet, the better your chances.

I’ll admit it. I settled. At 32 years old and having just been dumped by a girlfriend of 3 years who I thought was going to be my wife: I settled.

We have 2 great kids. My wife and I though are…well … for the last couple of years not too intimately close. I had reservations proposing. I had reservations on my wedding day. I still have reservations; she smokes, I don’t; I love beer, she barely drinks; I eat anything, she’s the pickiest friggin’ eater you’ve ever met. But as someone mentioned, not every marriage is a fairy tale existence.

We agree on how we’re raising the kids. We are polite and cordial, most of the time. And I think we both – in our own minds – know that this isn’t Disney World, but hey, it’s life.

That’s is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read here on the boards. As a recently divorced father of two, you have my sincere regrets and wishes that one day soon you find the happiness you deserve.

I’ve settled in past relationships. I was always so scared of rejection, if someone showed interest in me, that’s who I’d date. I ended up in two absolutely miserable relationships that way, one of which ended up with me walking out with the clothes on my back in the middle of the night, never to see my partner again. After spending a couple of months in a deep depression, I realized I couldn’t lie to myself anymore and continue to be with someone I didn’t love. Now that I’m in a relationship where I’m not settling, I gotta say: don’t ever, ever do it. Life is too short. Is being with someone else really that important? More important than your happiness? If I hadn’t ran when I did, from both relationships, I would’ve never found the happiness I know now and I would’ve likely been miserable for the rest of my life, like one of my best friends.

She settled. I begged and pleaded with her not to, since I knew exactly the road she was headed down. The night before her wedding I asked her, “do you love him?” She replied “I’m getting there.” It broke my heart. They’ve been married three years and she was just recently going to leave him. He lost his job about 7 months ago, can’t find work and now the only thing she married him for, security, is now gone. Not only does she not love this man, she doesn’t even like him. She has to do two shots before she can even engage in the “chore” of sleeping with him. It’s heartbreaking. I was encouraging her to leave him when she seemed to be getting brave enough to do so then she mentioned to me the other night that things were “getting better.” Nothing is getting better, she just doesn’t want to be alone. My heart broke once more. Apparently a nice, big house is worth a lifetime of misery. I tell you, I am 510% happier living in our tiny ass apartment, dodging bill collectors and adoring my S.O., with whom I share a relationship I treasure, than she is in her beautiful big McMansion driving her nice car and eating out every other night.

Again, don’t do it. It’s just not worth it.

Leaffan, I think you have expressed the situation of most people. Everyone else, YMMV.