So which of you successfully waited for “The One”. Who held out and now wishes he/she had settled with what he/she had.
A columnist had written that these unrealistic goals people have for their soul mates are preventing them from settling down with what could be the best thing they’ll ever get. That true love is all about compromise and the perfect person does not exist, so deal with it… People are ending up alone when they could have had a wonderful life with someone, but they had standards too high for someone to live up to.
Should a person take what he/she can get, or hold out for everything he/she wants.
Opinions and real life stories of you or your “friends” are welcome.
I’m inclined to agree with your columnist. There’s no such thing as The One – just a lot of imperfect people, many of whom might, given the right circumstances and a certain amount of work and compromise, be the right person for you.
But, on the other hand, I think that if the most enthusiastic thing you can say about a particular person is that he or she is “what you can get,” that person is probably NOT going to be the right one for you under any circumstances.
I also think that while one can have a wonderful life with someone, one can also have a wonderful life without someone. Most of us single folks would be better and happier people if we went through life assuming that we were going to be single forever and made our peace with the idea, rather than feeling that we ought to be paired up and that there is something inherently wrong or sad about “ending up alone.” Bottom line, if a relationship doesn’t feel right, get out of it, but don’t get out because you’re holding out for a “soul mate.” It doesn’t work that way.
Of course, I’m lousy at relationships so you should take all this with a grain of salt.
I’m inclined to agree with your columnist. There’s no such thing as The One – just a lot of imperfect people, many of whom might, given the right circumstances and a certain amount of work and compromise, be the right person for you.
But, on the other hand, I think that if the most enthusiastic thing you can say about a particular person is that he or she is “what you can get,” that person is probably NOT going to be the right one for you under any circumstances.
I also think that while one can have a wonderful life with someone, one can also have a wonderful life without someone. Most of us single folks would be better and happier people if we went through life assuming that we were going to be single forever and made our peace with the idea, rather than feeling that we ought to be paired up and that there is something inherently wrong or sad about “ending up alone.” Bottom line, if a relationship doesn’t feel right, get out of it, but don’t get out because you’re holding out for a “soul mate.” It doesn’t work that way.
Of course, I’m lousy at relationships so you should take all this with a grain of salt.
I call this the “any ole warm body will do” syndrome. And I heartily disagree with it. There are people who connect so deeply and wonderfully with each other that it’s heaven on earth.
Then there are those who “settled” and are now sorry and for whom it’s hell on earth.
I’m not saying hold out for the perfect Adonis/Aphrodite with the most perfect personality, income etc.
I’m saying that there are certain people with whom you’ll make a much deeper and superior connection. That doesn’t mean that I think that there’s only ONE of those.
I don’t. I think that there can be many partners with whom a person can form a deep connection. But you won’t find that person if you’re just willing to settle for any old warm body.
I did that. I thought I loved my ex-husband, and the two long term relationships (the men, not the relationships) after my divorce. Then, when I finally DID meet “the one” the difference was astonishing.
IMHO? It’s WELL worth holding out for the one with whom you can form that deep “soulmate” like bonding rather than just settling to avoid being alone.
Like my Mom always said “it’s better to BE alone, than to wish you were”.
is it possible to ‘think’ you’re in love without actually ‘being’ in love? if you only think you’re in love, you’re probably not. it’s instinctual.
i’d have to sit on the fence here. i agree that we can form deep bonds with certain people, and i’d say these people are the ‘ones’ (!), and i agree with CanvasShoes - it can be heaven on earth when you find someone like this. but also, it’s often difficult to be alone. if you find someone you really like, or even ‘think’ you love, then why not enjoy what you can with that person until the right person saunters by. because after all, that may never happen.
am i putting ever-lasting bliss down to chance and luck? i guess i am.
I think more depends on both parties having the same priorities for the relationship than any magical kismet-blessed soul mate stuff. Think of arranged marriages. Ok, ewwwww, but moving past that, think of how often that’s been the custom over the years in different cultures. Many of those relationships worked out satisfactorily, obviously not all, but of the one’s that did make it and would count themselves as “happy” how did they achieve that? My WAG is that love and trust and respect and chemistry and desire and all that happy stuff that’s supposed to come ready-made with The One can grow with anyone, as long as both parties are committed to the same ideals for the relationship. Obviously, abuse or dishonesty or plain old mean-spiritedness would prevent that, but absent the ‘bad’ stuff, the ‘good’ stuff can occur between any two folks who work at it.
There’s no guarantee the other way, either. The “settle” person may turn out to be better company in the long run, and the virtually-perfect “soul-mate” person often becomes the nagging bitch or inconsiderate bastard who you can’t bear to live with five years from now.
My best friend has been through this twice already.
This is the sort of topic that always makes me thankful for my low sex drive… I feel no need to establish a “relationship” (which is basically code for ‘semi-permanent sex partner’). I pick friends because I like them… if I stop liking them (or they me) then we stop being friends. No hassles, no entanglements.
I don’t think what the columnist was talking about really was the “any ol warm body” syndrome.
The difference is when people are examining their attitudes towards real relationships versus hypothetical ones. Everyone has a hypothetical, ideal relationship that they dream about. If you’re in a real one, and you obssess about the hypothetical one in your mind so much that it makes you dissatisfied, you can ruin what you actually have. And the fact is, your ideal relationship doesn’t exist. Nothing is ideal.
It’s not about “settling”, it’s about having realistic expectations. No one can be everything to one person. No one person can fulfill your every need. To recognize that is to lose a pretty romantic notion, and that can be painful for some people. That’s where the feeling of loss comes in.
It is a bad idea to “settle” with someone who doesn’t fulfill any of your needs, but it’s foolish to ditch someone just because they can’t fulfill all of them.
… Sure as the birds
range in the sky above
life ain’t worth living
if you ain’t got the girl you love.
Try living day after day with someone you really don’t love. Try going through the motions sometime without any of the love behind it and then come back in here and tell me that it’s all right to settle for second best. Anyone who does so deserves what they get.
but then, what is love? trying to define love is like trying to define…hate.
i see love as feeling strongly for someone, caring for them, wanting to care for them. i love the feelings they make me feel towards them, and the feelings they obviously feel towards me. so, am i in love? i say i am, i think i am, but i don’t know for sure whether i am. is she the one? right now everything points that way, and i’d rather not speculate on the future. for now is good. so i must love this person, but i can’t define love. catch-22. is being very happy love?
i have a very healthy sex-drive, and i’m always loving myself…
Life is not the movies. The idea that there has to be someone perfectly suited out there for you (and that you will eventually bump into them) is, I believe, a false one, although of course there will be some people with whom you are better matched than others and I’m not denying that there are some cases of people who appear to be ideally matched.
Love isn’t just something that happens to you, it’s also something you do - a certain amount of compromise, respect, adjustment and tolerance is required, otherwise it wouldn’t really be a relationship.
I’d take this a step further and say that even if someone did fufill all of your needs, the pressure and dependence that generates would almost inevitably be fatal for the relationship.
The whole “should you settle” issue is a red herring. It looks at relationships from the perspective of what they provide–does so-and-so make me happy, or just content?
Healthy relationships occur when you fufill all of your own needs, and you are with your partner not because of what they do to you or for you but because of your sincere liking and admiration of them.
Within that definition, I don’t think anyone should settle for someone they don’t sincerely like and admire.
My mother has a theory on this. She’s never married, or even had a serious relationship, because she spent her life went for THE ONE. In the process she has - by her own admission - rejected men who she could have a had a future with, because they didn’t match her perfect ideal. She’s still single, and while she has a good life, she’s still lonely. She says that in the past people didn’t EXPECT to meet the perfect person, they found someone they of the right age and background, with whom they had similar ambitions and beliefs, who showed the potential to be a decent parent, married them and hoped for the best. Most of the time, love grew over time. Now though, we’ve become conditioned by this idea of “soulmates” and “happily ever after”, which is why so many people get divorced inside of a year - they can’t cope with the reality as compared to the dream.
OTOH, I spent nearly four years of mylife with a man I knew wasn’t right for me because I was afraid of being alone, and they were the most miserable years of my life. Once I got out, I realised it really is better to be alone than in an unhappy realtionship and I became more choosy. But I don’t expect any man to match up to my ideal, because it’s unfair and unrealistic to expect any one person to fulfill all of my needs.
So, in conculsion, I guess I feel that there’s no such thing as “the one”, but that doesn’t mean you should settle for just any ol’ warm body though!
“If you can’t be with the one you love honey, love the one you’re with.”
I think that the columnist probably had it right, that a soul mate is probably made, not born. I think that a relationship is a lot of hard work and to get it right, both partners must be willing to compromise. Of course, I’m single, so what do I know?
I try not to second-guess my life. If I hadn’t married the first one, I wouldn’t have the children that I do. But I did find “the one” later in life and she truly is a soulmate. There are none of the cliches in our marriage. Neither ‘tells the other what to do’, or even presumes to infringe upon the other’s right to be a free and independent being on the planet. There’s no carping, no nagging, no bullying, no withholding of sexual favors, none of the crap that has been foisted on us by sitcom television as the way “normal” couples act.
I can’t answer the question about whether I should have waited. Had I done so, I wouldn’t have met her, as circumstances and chance led to our encounter. It was fortuitous and beautiful and still is.
A variation on Auden:
She is my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I will love her forever; at least that long.
One possible reason (and mine, in particular) that many people stay single is due to a disgust at the current standard procedures of “meeting people”. Going out to dance clubs and pubs in hopes of meeting someone is twisted. Girls I meet at those places don’t want to talk, which is how it must begin with me. I can’t meet girls properly when I have to talk over the loud music/people. Just recently I scared a girl off at a dance club because I “talk alot”. I know that those places are designed for the fling-oriented individuals, which is okay by me, but…give me something more!
I’m 26 now and about three years ago I decided to quit fooling around. Patience is a virtue, and I exercise it constantly. I know that “proper” mates exist, because I’ve already met a couple. One was at a party, but she was already with somebody. We talked for a long time that night, and I learned that she felt similar about me. She was a good candidate.
Love is not something to fool around with. Waiting is a good thing - I’ll wait patiently for something worthwhile, someone that doesn’t have to be perfect, just complimentary to my personality.
I think you’ll have great success with your strategy. Long after the flames of passion have died down, good conversation will rule the day. If your mate is vacuous, be prepared for living Hell. I’ve been there and it is Hell.
