Well, for years now I hav gotten used to the fact that I am fated to be alone. I have had very few dates in my life, and never a steady relationship. I often joke about this to friends, wh consider it a defeatist attitude. They hit me with the “there’s someone for everyone”, “you have to think positive”. and other such claptrap. I smile and tell them I am not be defeatist, just realistic. I KNOW that I have no “soulmate” I am alone, and I accept that.
Just for kicks I tried Eharmony. After filling out their SAT like test, I got the result that I expected "unable to match you". Yep now I know that it is true.
No I am not asking for sympathy, no women from Timbucktu saying that they would find me attractive if they lived in the same hemesphere, no married women telling me that if they weren't happly... None of that, I am comfortable with the fact that I am doomed to be alone. I just needed a place to say how nice it is to finally be able to prove that I am right.
Actually I suspect you posted to be proven wrong, so here goes:
In truth there is probably an entire cross-section of the population that you could potentially become very close to, its just statistics. I personally believe that finding someone isn’t a matter of seeking your one true soulmate in this world, but rather finding an individual that fits well enough. People tend to see romance in black and white terms when really there are many shades of gray.
Now this is all from the hip of course, but I see some familiar patterns you seem to be indulging in. Now try and remove your veil of skepticism when I tell you that one reason you haven’t found someone right for you is your attitude. Honestly. You seem depressed and down about your romantic prospects and this will shine through like a fog light on a dark night to potential partners. It is really, really about 99% confidence that gets the initial spark started. In a way you have to almost not care, or be nonchalant about it. Making it last is another thing entirely, but if you play the odds (ie date wide and far) you’ll do fine.
I say most of this from personal experience. I have always had a hard time finding women, but eventually I learned its not because I was ugly or a bad person, but because deep down I had confidence and other issues. If you really truely want it, and if you really work hard for it, you’ll get it, I guarantee. First you have to lose that attitude (easier said than done, I know).
Seriously. A couple of years back, I gave up. Declared to friends, family, and total strangers that I surrendered, threw in the towel, accepted defeat. I was never going to find anyone. After all, what chance did I, a big hairy geek with a bizarre sense of humor and antisocial tendencies, have of finding someone who not only would be attractive to me, but would want to hang out with me at all? Especially since I’m gay, and am attracted to handsome younger guys, and I have very high standards in terms of intellect and cuteness. Nope, no chance. I gave up.
We’ve been living together for almost two years now. He’s beautiful, brilliant, funny as hell, and fun to be with.
I figure it this way. Once I’d given up, and started living a life that was designed to please me, and only me, I became more myself. A distilled essence, if you will, of my basic being. And I lost that aura of desperation. And I started having fun, just being with my friends and doing things I wanted to do. Happy people, I’m told, are attractive.
Whatever the case, I fully support your surrender. Give up, and enjoy it. Go make a life that suits you, and only you. Plan on being alone, and uphoster your reality to suit you.
I filled one out last week or so and got the same thing. “Well, dang” I said “I knew I was weird but am I really that weird?” So I broadened my search to all of the US and Japan. Still no matches. Now I was seriously bummed. But, two days later I got three emails saying they found matches with guys in my area. And tow days after that I got an email saying there was a short (I like short guys), Japanese (ditto) guy in California that matched me. I’m still been too wussy to actually sign up for the service but now I know I’m not a total freak.
So, anyway, I bet you’ll get a few emails in a couple of days. I’ve got suspicions that they do the “No matches” thing to most people at first so that when you do get an email, you’re so pathetically happy you sign up. If you don’t, just remember Eharmony is a (secretly) faith based service and I think those who are Christian and spiritual may do better than those (such as me) who aren’t…
I’m sure the personality profiles on the various matching services are very scientific and all ( :rolleyes: ) but I wouldn’t put too much faith in them. They’re bound to be superficial indicators, nothing more. And consider also that most people filling them out are probably being, ahem, generous describing themselves and their personalities. The problems you guys (and gals) had are probably more a result of your honesty than a real disproportion in matching personalities.
MrVisible’s experience is nearly identical to Mr. S’s (except, of course, that my husband is not a gay man and we’ve been together for nearly 16 years). Not too long after he gave up, climbed out of the dating pool, dried off, got dressed, and threw away his bathing suit at age 32, I showed up. We both define ourselves as square pegs. And we each consider the other one-of-a-kind.
I predict she’ll show up when and where you least expect her.
(And I’d hardly take the word of an online survey form as gospel about your destiny . . .)
See, everyone always gives the 'ol “just wait till you give up, then someone will pop up!” pep talk, but what about those of us who just can’t seem to give up?
No matter how much I resign myself to be alone, telling myself “it’s okay, just live your life for you, embrace being by yourself!” it just doesn’t happen. Perhaps I’m just too optimistic. I always believe that certain someone is just around the corner and it drives me absolutely batshit.
I know if you enter in personality traits that are typical of ADD/primary inattentive in the eHarmony survey, you’ll always be rejected.
No, it’s not “we don’t have any matches for you now, but wait and somebody will come along.” It’s “we don’t want you. period.” This is their stick rejection notice:
I’m not saying you ARE datable, but don’t be so quick to write yourself off. I thought something similar about myself: I was wrong. So unless you can get someone impartial to agree with you, it’s entirely possible you’re wrong…
Your profile says you’re a librarian. How can you not get many, many dates–books are better than money and a fast car, rowr! Of course, this may be just me, the girl who dreams of accidently being locked in a library some night.
As for giving up, I say go ahead if it will really make you happy. Just don’t give up so much that if love comes calling you don’t even think to answer the door.
Out of curiousity from the OP I filled out the form to see what the result would be. I match zero people. I have no soul mate. I am destined to live a lonely life.
I’ve also been with my SO for 6 years and we have been married for 3 years. So I guess Eharmony can blow me. Then again, we might not make it to 4 years if the SO finds out I filled out an online dating profile.
Funny thing is, this happened to me when I was an undergrad. Long story, perhaps I will post it on MPSIMS sometime.
As to the OP. First off thank you all for the kind words, but really, I posted this while in the middle of a very bad day. The "bad news" from eharmony really kind of injectd a bit of dark humor into it. So I really wasn't, and am not, feeling as sorry for myself as the OP might suggest.
Actually, to me, it is sort of funny. "I told you there was no-none for me, now I have scientific proof."
Of course, this may be just me, the girl who dreams of accidently being locked in a library some night.