Wait for "The One". Or settle with what you can get...

I waited. And when it happened, it was just as every cliched Hollywood movie said it would be: fireworks, earthquakes, and a great resounding boing!

She felt the same way. She didn’t even want to be there that night, much less meet anybody. But she felt the same way when we met.

Without going into detail, I’ll say that there were no unrealistic goals. Just a finally-satisfied desire that said, “That one is the one for you. You will be complete with that person.” And I have been–we are not alike and never will be, but her strengths make up for my weaknesses, and vice-versa. I’m convinced that there is no obstacle that the two of us cannot overcome.

I believe in soulmates. I also believe that there are a great many people out there who settle for whoever they can get, or who link up because they’re getting older, or because their parents want grandchildren, or whatever other reason they can come up with. In some cases, those relationships work out fine; in others, they’re a disaster.

But I’m glad I waited. I found my soulmate.

“Until the end of time and for a little bit longer, m’luv!”

Something between settling for anything and waiting for The One is probably going to work best for most people.

Having common values and interests helps. Physical attraction is also very important, but looks usually fade over time and people change. It can’t be just about physical attraction.

Most people could probably enjoy a meaningful long-term relationship with many different people given a good attitiude and a willingness to compromise on negotiable issues.

IMHO the key is to find someone with much potential and really try to make it work without wondering if there might have been/be someone else who might have been/could be better. Second-guessing a healthy relationship might not be so healthy.

Settle with a temporary and keep looking for “the one” ? Sounds simple… :slight_smile: Just don’t have kids to get in the way.

hehe… well if I beleived in the “one” I might actually do it… I have a regular girlfriend and I am still looking around. I try to manage as many “single” nights out as possible and having fun.

[my infinitely wise grandfather]

"Don’t marry someone who you can live with for your whole life.

Marry the one you can’t live without."

[/iwg, who’ll be married 67 years next month]

I’m on the fence too. You hear stories about fairytale-like couples, so I’m not denying that it CAN happen, but right now I’m tending to agree with the guy from St. Elmo’s Fire who said something to the effect of “…the concept of marriage was invented by people who were lucky if they lived to be 30 years old.”

Sounds like it was more of a resounding boink!

That’s what I thought to, until it happened to me. It’s like the difference between eating gruel just to survive, and dining on the finest prime rib (substitue yummy meal of your choice here).

Personally, in my career, motherhood, AND romantic lives I’d prefer thrive than to just survive or exist.

And I DO agree that there is not just ONE “the one” but many with whom a person can be happy and thrive, but IMHO, the problem in our country today (with it’s what? 50% divorce rate now?), is that people rush into it TOO quickly rather than the other way around.

Too many people take that first giddy rush of infatuation to mean (dramatically sarcastic sigh) “oh, TRUE love” and get married without really seeing if the other person is what they need for the long haul.

So anyway, I respectfully stand by my argument, IMHO, wait it OUT as long as possible, do your homework regarding the other person, see a pre-marriage counselor, test each other and your relationship, ESPECIALLY on the “big three” (money, sex, how-to raise kids) and so on and so forth, this is the biggest (or SHOULD be) decision of your life, make it count and do the research.

Oh sheesh, If I’d just read THIS one, I could have saved ink (hehe).

THIS says it all!!!

You know, you’ve brought up an excellent point here, one I hadn’t thought of before.

If not for some of my relationships, I wouldn’t have developed into the person that I am. I’m fairly brave and strong now, and I certainly was NOT when I was a young (19) bride.

As my mom always says, “we are the sum of the choices we make”. And while I wasn’t always happy while in my “bad choices” or living my “mistakes,” I’ve got two fantastic, intelligent, beautiful kids.

I’ve also done things, and been places that I might not have been and things I might not have done if not for where I was in life during those times of life.

Maybe the one you marry won’t be the great romance of your life, but before you “settle,” check out what you might be missing if there isn’t some magic between you:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=215753

Hmmm…interesting OP. And I don’t think there’s a right answer.

I have girlfriends who think that love is a proper noun. That, somehow, it’s this big banner thing that you talk about and dream about and one day you’ll get to go visit it, and you may even get to live there, if you’re lucky enough…

But I don’t think love is like that. It’s hard work loving somebody; there are no “perfect matches,” because you’re asking two completely different human beings to come together forever. And one particular girlfriend of mine always has these huge expectations of her Love Affairs; she’ll email me these long, moony paragraphs about how it’s rainbows and sunshine and picnics and what-not. (No, I am not making this up. She’s that syrupy.) And her relationships never last; they can’t hold up to her ideals. There’s always a “fall,” and then she goes to pieces.

Having been in a relationship with Mr. Levins for going on six years now, I am more in love with him now than I’ve ever been, but I’m well aware that it’s b/c we love each other enough to compromise. To make room for each other. To suck it up when he’s in a bad mood, and vice versa…to know that he’s going to get on my nerves, and I’m going to drive him crazy…to know that I can’t “fix” him, any more than I can be “fixed.” I take him for who he is and what he is, and that’s enough for me, because I love him. Period. And he does the same, feels the same, for me.

Did I settle? No, I don’t think so. Do plenty of people settle? Yeah, I think they do. But I think more people go into relationships with the idea that every day is a test, and that if this person doesn’t match up on every point to their idea of a “Soul Mate,” that they can’t be “The One.” That they won’t be happy with anything less than perfection.

Newsflash! Nobody’s perfect. So neither is any relationship. But the question, for me, has always been: When push comes to shove, do I think of him first? Before I think of myself? Do I cross his mind first, before he thinks of himself? Am I his priority? Will we spend the rest of our lives putting each other first?

And when I could say yes, I decided he was The One.

For me. :smiley:

Audrey Levins, I completely agree. Relationships are based on give-and-take. There are too many people out there who believe they are entitled to a “soulmate” (whatever that word means). They believe that having a soulmate means they will never have to put in any work, or compromise, or change their personal habits. They only see a person in terms of what they can take from him or her.

I also know people who settle for relationships where they are doing all the giving, and getting very little in return. Relationships take sacrifice, but it shouldn’t have to feel like you’re carrying around a piano.

I think a lot depends on what you mean by “settling.” A lot of us marry people who aren’t our sun and moon and stars, but don’t feel that we’ve settled. Frankly, I wouldn’t want someone to be my sun and moon and stars, because that’s a hell of a burden to put on someone. Nobody’s perfect, and nobody should have to live under someone else’s expectations of constant perfection. It’s just not fair. Fairy tale romances where there’s never any conflict and nobody ever has morning breath or period panties or a case of the farts or annoying friends are exactly that–just fairy tales.

A truly good marriage is between two real people, not the idealized notions of what two people should be. Let’s face it, even the most wonderful real people can be annoying as hell at times. They can be royal pains in the ass and piss you off so badly you can’t see straight. Loving someone doesn’t mean you never want to kill him with your bare hands, it just means you find a way to work through it. It means you strike a balance of bending and standing firm, compromising and agreeing to disagree, holding each other close and giving each other space. Sometimes you wobble a bit and have to steady each other. Sometimes you lose your balance entirely and fall, and you help each other get back up so you can try it again.

In one of Robert Fulghum’s books he talks about the Greek concept of making love. Not as in having sex, but as in using conflict to build love like a stone wall that’s never completely finished. Every disagreement about how to hang the toilet paper roll, every “What is that and why is it in my house?”, every discussion about why plaid shirts don’t go with striped pants or why dirty clothes don’t belong in the floor, they’re all blocks in the wall. It’s working through the stupid little shit that gives you a foundation for working through the big shit, and there’s gonna be some big shit in any marriage.

To be honest, if DrJ and I were perfect soulmates, we’d be missing a lot of the blocks in our wall. He’d already actually hang the toilet paper without prompting, and by God he’d hang it right. I wouldn’t fill the house with big hairy dogs, and the pets in our house wouldn’t outnumber the people. He wouldn’t be in his eighth year of refusing to make chicken parmigian for me, because I wouldn’t have made the comment that annoyed him, and even if I had he wouldn’t have misinterpreted it. I wouldn’t get that look on my face when he starts talking about making chili. He wouldn’t get that look on his face when I start talking about some of my decorating ideas.

Neither of us is the other’s ideal mate, but he’s ideal enough to make me happy.

I always relied on my gut to steer me along. Once when I was in a several-year relationship, my girlfriend asked me to move in with her, I felt terrified, sick, over-caffeinated, all at the same time, and basically avoided the question.

Four years later, when I met my wife, I felt nothing but elation when we decided to move in together, and nothing but nervousness she’d say no when I popped the question.

I dated and married my best friend. We were married for 22 years. During those 22 years we lost our friendship along the way. On our 21st year we split. We became best friends again after that. That same year he passed away. The One? I can honestly say no. My best friend… without a doubt!