Re this bookand the accompanying article does the author have a point? Do women with lots of options miss out on decent guys because they are too picky?
Yes, they should settle. It’s the only way I ever get a date. 
I don’t think it’s really a question of “settling” so much as having realistic expectations and values.
Or, to put it another way, guys with low social status and/or low income are often really wonderful people.
Or, to put it a third way: yes, they should settle, it’s the only way I’ll ever get a date.
Depends on how they’re settling. If they’re settling for someone they don’t find attractive, that’s a big problem if physical appearance means a lot to them. I think women and men both need to prioritize what they want in a mate. For me, “responsible with money and other obligations” is near the top of the list, right between “big boobs” and “good with kids”. The bottom of my list would be “tidy and organized.” If a woman was looking for a guy who spends time in front of a mirror every morning, she’d find me repulsive, but luckily my wife prioritized that lower than lots of other women do. Many women couldn’t stand a messy guy, and that’s perfectly fine.
Too long, didn’t read version; don’t settle for things you find important. Settle and compromise for things you don’t find as important.
If we define “perfect” as meaning “the best that can be done”, rather than as some sort of Platonic ideal, then women (and men) should go for the perfect partner. But they also need to realize that one of the criteria for goodness of a mate is whether you ever actually meet the person, and have a chance for a relationship. It may be that there’s some woman who’s exactly my type in every respect and who would go absolutely crazy for me if we ever met, but she’s living ten thousand miles away in some village I would never visit, or was born a hundred years ago, or won’t be born for another hundred years, or whatever. Which means that that lady is not, in fact, perfect for me, unfortunately, and someone who’s here and now would be a better match for me than her.
I have known women who are so picky that I wonder if they’ll ever get married. Several of my friends dated men they were attracted to, that they got along with very well, that they even said they loved, but in the end they ended up not marrying them because they didn’t have the right kind of job, or the guy didn’t get along with their parents.
Maybe this book is written for women like them. As for myself, I don’t have a list of objective conditions I look for in a partner. Is my current boyfriend perfect? No, of course not. I wish he’d be more level-headed sometimes, instead of getting so easily excited and/or irritable about things that don’t bother me. I also wish he’d stop coming home an hour or two after he said he would. But I don’t think these things make my staying with him some form of “settling.” We’re happy together depsite our mutual flaws, and that’s all I want out of a relationship.
Having realistic expectations of a relationship isn’t “settling”. Being with someone you love and are happy with, who doesn’t happen to be perfect, isn’t “settling”. Learning to compromise for the greater good isn’t “settling”.
It’s only “settling” if you stay with someone you DON’T love because getting the ring is more important to you than who you get it from. If getting married is an end in itself to you, then by all means settle. I wish you all kinds of luck with that.
There is no perfect. There is no ideal.
There is “good enough” - however, you DO need to be careful that you aren’t settling for “not good enough” - it is not the case that any man is better than no man. But many, many, many men qualify as being “good enough.”
My husband is by no means perfect, but I love him so much. We met through an online dating service and he wasn’t the hottest guy on there, he wasn’t the smartest, but he was genuine, fun, sweet, etc. I love him for who he is. Yeah, maybe I settled a little, but I don’t see it as settling. I see it as finding an imperfect person for the imperfect me.
What he said. The author of the book in question dismissed one guy because he was a redhead. Now, if she had many choices for dating and having a relationship, then yeah, discarding one man as a potential partner makes sense. But apparently she discarded EVERY man who was interested in her.
Frankly, I think that this woman is in a very poor position to advise other women on anything other than “You have a limited amount of time to choose a partner if you want kids” sort of thing. I think that she’s swung from being far too picky to not being nearly picky enough. The men who are her age or older, who are her potential partners, have almost all found a partner, and she’s left with the ones who, for reasons of their own, also have not found a partner. She serves as a Horrible Warning, not a Good Example.
My eldest daughter is in a serious relationship with a guy - I assume they will get engaged soon after she graduates from college this year. He’s a really nice guy. Fine looking, has a decent job, intelligent. And most importantly, they share a lot of interests and really seem to love each other.
Last fall she said something to me about how she would not have gone out with him if she hadn’t “lowered her expectations.” In essence, she had been looking for some guy who was incredibly handsome, rich, brilliant, etc. - AND successful in one or two areas related to her primary interests. She didn’t so much “settle” as realize that her previous expectations were unrealistic, and that by holding to them she was passing up too many possibilities.
The rest of you ladies will just have to settle. You can’t have Mr. Neville.
Some women undoubtedly do have unrealistic expectations for a partner, just like some men do (we have a thread going about this right now). Some women and men don’t expect enough from a partner.
Of course, the hard part is realizing which category you fall into, and doing something about it.
I’ve ordered the book and am looking forward to reading it - I’m just annoyed I didn’t write it first, because this is something I’ve been banging on about for years.
It’s the Disneyfication of love - generations of women are growing up expecting that one day they will meet the One True Love of their Life, and that he’ll be perfect in everyway - tall, good-looking, charming, kind, successful - and interested in them, Miss Mostly-Average, Idaho. As a result they reject some great guys simply because they don’t tick all those boxes, and they end up alone and lonely.
A case in point - a friend of mine recently moved in with her boyfriend. He’s a great guy - clever, funny, kind, devoted to her - they have so much in common, want the same things out of life, and he’s one of the few people I’ve known to really make her laugh. But it took him ages to persuade her to even go out with him - because he’s 4 inches shorter than her. As far as I’m concerned, if you’re going to be that damn shallow, you deserve to end up alone.
To be fair, it’s not just women - I know plenty of guys who’ve rejected some amazing women on equally spurious reasons. As far as I’m concerned, you will never meet the “perfect” person, but that’s ok, because guess what - you’re not perfect either.
I hear people rejecting mates - not just women! - for the most frivolous of reasons. Fine, but then don’t complain that you’re alone! You can’t have it both ways.
I have always believed expectations need to be lowered. Too many people have this fairy-tale image of love. It’s not like that.
I woudn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks they “settled”, so if I was single, I’d just as soon that someone like that just move on to some other sucker.
When I became single again, I dated a lot - but mostly because I was open to dating all kinds of men - not a ‘type.’ Girls at the office would moan about how I (a plus-sized gal) had dates every week and they (in their mind more fabu than I - although they were wrong!) hadn’t had one in months.
When I pointed out that I was:
- putting myself out there on dating websites.
- contacting people I thought were interesting, not just waiting for them to contact me.
- Not looking at every date as the start of that “great romance” but just a chance to meet someone new and see if we clicked.
- Not trying to find out what was ‘wrong’ with the guys, but what might be ‘right’ about them - and therefore not just eliminating guys based on appearances.
They would then look in horror and say, “I could never do that!” Then I would shrug. They caused their own unhappiness, or at least their opportunities to have a fun time and learn more about the world and themselves.
Having an idea of what you want is important - but so is making sure that what you think you want is really all its cracked up to be.
Me, too. It sounds as if there’s some kind of mandate to find someone, quick! if you’re single and of a certain age. I date all the time, and I discard all the time, or am discarded. I don’t think I’m that picky, but I would definitely need to be head-over-heels deliriously in love if I were to get married. My first and only marriage was a settle, and I ended up really regretting that.
Remember to ask the most important question: this perfect partner who is your dream ideal - are you their dream ideal?
Well of course I am. If I don’t got it, you don’t need it.
I think there’s absolutely a certain amount of compromise that needs to come into the equation.
I mean, there’s what people perceive that they should be with, based on their own perceived social status and attractiveness, along with their socioeconomic status, race, and what they think others expect of them.
This is frequently unrealistic. I have friends (male and female) who are likely to be forever single, and it’s not because they’re deeply flawed, butt-ugly or anything like that. Strangely, they’re by far, the best looking people I know Neither of them will budge on their “standards”.
One of them (the woman) is really a big dork (had EVERY MST3k episode ever, watches Invader Zim, plays computer games) , and would probably be happy with a geekier sort of guy, even if he’s not super-masculine, tall, successful, etc… which is what she’s convinced she needs, because she’s a tall, blonde, big natural rack blonde, who is a marketing exec for a rather large company here in town. Yet, when she meets these guys, some combination of desperation and dorkiness seems to make them treat her like crap, and it always ends. I’ve known her for 10 years.
The other one’s a good looking guy (looks like a young Stephen Baldwin, Backdraft era) smart, funny, etc… and a king-hell Bible thumper. I’ve been a close friend to him for 17 years. So what does he do? Rather than find a good churchy girl who’s ok looking, strong in her faith, and a good wife (what would probably actually make him happy), he has it in his mind that a very narrow set of physical characteristics is what he’s attracted to (slender, blonde, athletic, nice ass, blue eyes), and then he always ends up dumping them because they’re not churchy enough.
There should come a point at which you assess your own “standards” and keep the ones that are appropriate, and ditch the ones that aren’t. I mean, everyone will eventually end up old, ugly and wrinkled by contemporary standards, so IMO, it’s kind of silly to put undue weight on physical considerations. When I was 19, I didn’t necessarily feel that way.